it's always a surreal experience when you have an emotional breakdown. all the truths and beliefs to which you've clung are called into doubt and seem to melt away quicker than ice cream on a hot august day. with that foundation gone, it's just one freefall into a deeper hole of depression and despair.
it's as equally strange the day after such an experience. for me, without fail, the first question that emerges is just a declaration of complete mystification. "what was that," i invariably am asking myself. i often have no idea of what pulled me into that space (though i suspect the combination of certain pieces of news, lack of sleep, and forgetting to take my morning dose of medication may have been a factor) nor how i have managed to stabilize (though again taking said forgotten medication, some sleep, and certainly words of encouragement (thanks rjg, sr, and gary) were contributory to my stabilization).
indeed, i do feel better after yesterday's episode. better but not great. i'm hoping a mid-day departure from work for an early start to the weekend will help me get through the two days of the work week next week. then maybe the long extended break that follows allow me to get some rest and more importantly perspective of where my life needs to go from here.
it's on this last point about new perspective though that i'm not very optimistic. i'm not sure with so much uncertainty that i will be able to find much clarity or that i will not be finding myself back on that ledge again. i think i have to hope and wait for more living to do that. god grant me the strength to do so.
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