feeling loved

not too long after finishing yesterday's blog entry, i decided to head out to a nearby office supply store to pick up some items for a little project i'm working on. on my way out of the store, i came upon what i assumed was a father and his two children, a boy and a girl. the father was putting his young daughter in the seat of the shopping cart, but what drew my attention was the little boy. i would guess he was about seven or eight and he was smiling and giggling while doing little jumps; it was as if he was doing his best to contain his excitement, but his overall delight in the situation of being out with his father kept spilling over anyway. it was clear that he felt safe and loved. it was a lovely scene and brought a smile to my own face as i headed out for a quick trip to the store next door.

what was not so lovely a scene was my car ride home as i thought about what i had witnessed and then realized that in not a single fiber of my being did i have that feeling of being safe and loved. last night the world felt like a cold, scary, lonely place for me. i won't go into details but the remainder of the night seemed to reinforce that feeling.

and this morning? well, this morning i came upon an email sent yesterday from a dear friend expressing concern about my well-being and for a brief moment the world got a bit warmer. i fear though that the day is still very new and i have many hours to fill. in addition, it's new year's eve tonight, another time for the gathering of friends and lovers, and i will spend this night, as i have many a day, alone. and yet the deeper concern is not about spending this one new year's eve alone, my pain rests in wondering for how many more will that be the case.