losing the plot

i had a pretty rough night last night that's spilling over to this morning. I'm not sure what triggered it. i just remember taking a bath and having this thought that i'm losing track of what exactly the point of all of this thing we call life is. i've been to this place before and it feels like that moment when you're watching a film that's got a complex plot and all of a sudden you're not sure what exactly is going on, who people are, and why they are behaving in the way that they are.

later in the evening, i was "watching" a program on hgtv (the tv was on with the sound off and i'd occasionally look up from the magazine i was reading to see what was going on) when a particular host who i've always been a bit smitten with came on the screen. he looked his usual charming self and i wondered, "why hasn't a man like that come into my life?" this thought rapidly led to, "what's wrong with me, why am i so undeserving of having someone like that in my life?" the downward trajectory of my mood pretty much accelerated from there.

i then had an online chat with s.r. that i don't think went well. he was in a jovial, playful mood and i was far removed from that place. he made a comment about confronting my demons and i remember responding that my demons were kicking my ass at that particular moment. for the rest of the time i tried to engage but i couldn't. a wall was starting to be erected and the bricks were made up of my doubts of the sincerity of his concern and skepticism of any real commitment he may have had to our friendship. i signed off pretty abruptly, running from a situation that had become entirely too painful, uncertain of what damage i've left in my wake.

and so all in all the night was indeed pretty rough. the day isn't feeling much different.