even worse

"god i can't go through another day like yesterday." i wrote words to this effect in a just closed online chat with s.r. the fact is though that the day has started badly and definitely shows the potential to be even worse than yesterday. i feel so worthless and the chat did little to help. actually, the voices in my head have been using these same online exchanges for weeks to highlight that fact.

every visit of late seems like a prime example of how i really don't fit in s.r.'s life and that i'm in some way intruding. he's a busy guy with an important job and full relationships. i'm well not sure what i am. but clearly i'm not someone who matters. at least that's how it feels. conversations i used to look forward to, i now dread because i know at the end i will likely just feel even worse about myself.

and i keep questioning why he just doesn't say how he really feels. that he's got his own life and his now issues and really doesn't need to be dealing with me and my shit as well. even having to pretend to care is an effort. i know. it's how i spend every moment of my life these days.