"never again"

so it's been about 24 hours since i discovered that my former partner of the better part of 12 years entered into a new relationship with someone else in the space of about two months after our break-up. and during that time a particular moment that happened at the close of the conversation that brought our relationship to a conclusive end keeps playing over and over in my mind. in that moment i sincerely wished michael well and that he would be able to find happiness with someone else. it was at that moment that he shared that because of what i had done to him he would never be able to trust anyone again.

so the good news is that apparently the current statute of limitations of never again is down to about two months. that being stated as mentioned last night, i've carried the burden of severely hurting someone that i once loved deeply for these many weeks since that conversation. and now i feel foolish and stupid. unfortunately, i don't feel these things in the way i probably should.

i feel foolish and stupid in believing that michael truly loved me. i feel foolish and stupid in having lied to myself for all of those years. i feel foolish and stupid in many ways for believing that someone could love me in the way i hope for and desire.

and tonight i find myself wondering about how many other things have i lied to myself. how many things did i hope to be true and really i have just been fooling myself? i've become painfully aware over the past few days of how fragile a thing trust is. at least when it comes to my ability to trust in people. i realize that so much of it has to do with the fact that the people that i want to trust the most  seem to abandon me in some way or other.

and as fragile a thing as my ability to trust seems to be, my capacity for hope seems to be even more so. it continues to crumble with every passing moment. i'm not even sure how i continue to exist because it feels like my heart died quite some time ago.