i've been experiencing this strange dynamic over the past few days. it seems like the harder i work, the more there seems needing to be done. for every work accomplishment there seem like three work issues that need to be addressed. and all of it seems to be happening in this lather, rinse, repeat j=kind of cycle.
i come home at the end of another busy day to an empty home and an empty life, feeling my mood decline to a point that i'm literally thinking i can't continue to do this, go to bed weepy on the verge of emotional collapse, wake up in the wee hours of the morning (around 3 a.m.), struggle to get back to sleep, fail, go into work weary and depressed, hurl myself through a day full of various and varied activities. finish up and head back home to just go through it all again.
tonight was the toughest iteration yet of the cycle. i was pretty much crying as i was heading out to the garage at work. what am i accomplishing with all of this and to what end? what is all of this for? is this going to be my life -- just working harder and harder every day and at the end of it all heading home to a microwave dinner and collapsing into bed?
and my sense of hope that any of this can get better let alone will get better is pretty much gone. i was sharing with s.r. last night that it feels as if i've literally lost the ability to hope. and the truth is i go back and forth between finding that incredibly painful and being apathetic. it's almost like the feeling of being standard on a desert island and after a period of constantly looking out at the horizon to see if any sign of rescue is in sight, getting to a point where you just give up and think no one is coming and you will die there alone and forgotten.
sigh. i'm sure you can guess where i am on the lather, rinse, repeat cycle.
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