i didn't realize

i have these moments where i get lost in a kind of "stream of consciousness" kind of mode, where thoughts just seem to flow unaided and unguided through my mind. during one such mode, which occurred this morning as i was packing up my things to head out to work, i stumbled on a particular thought that yielded such a deep emotional reaction that i found myself quite surprised by the effect.

i was thinking about all of the changes that had been happening in my particular work function -- changes that had been in discussion and planned for months. among those plans was for a significant elevation of my role in the function that would have refocused it on work that i truly enjoy and feel passionate about as well as for the elevation of a colleague that i greatly respect and enjoy working with. essentially, we would have become partners in leading our function in complementary roles that played to each of our strengths. well, my boss decided to not push forward with that particular vision and chose instead to take a more conservative approach to the reorganization plans. now i should be clear that as a result of even this modified change, i have had an expansion of my role and responsibilities that have come with a commensurate (and much appreciated) increase in my compensation. however, my colleague's role remains the same and my new role doesn't quite bring the focus of my work completely into the sphere of that work i thrive upon.

i thought i was pretty much fine with the choice made, yet, as i pondered what could have been, i felt this deep pang of sadness in my heart. it was at that moment that i found myself thinking, "wow, i didn't realize how disappointed that i was in that future not coming about." i'm not sure if the sadness is in spite of or as a result of the other emotional struggles i am having at this time and whether it is a vision delayed or deferred, i have to admit i'm not entirely clear. and who knows, what may come instead may be infinitely better than what was planned. i guess i'm just struggling with wondering how many "maybe this is for the best" scenarios i can deal with at one time in my life.