cruel dreams

i have to admit that when it comes to dreaming about my life, i haven't been doing much of either the sleeping or awaken variety, so when i do, it gets my attention. last night i dreamt of visiting michael. he was in a new home, and i was visiting for the first time. as i walked in through the door, he greeted me warmly with a big hug and a bright smile (the kind that comes from a joy that's within) and shared how happy he was to see me again after such a long time apart. he was eager to show me around his new place, and so, we embarked of a tour of the first floor.

as we would stop at each nicely decorated room, he would reach out from behind me and wrap his arms around me in the kind of intimate embrace that felt both familiarly comfortable and heart breakingly painful. it was clear that in my dream, as in my life, it had been quite some time since anyone had held me in that way and it seemed strange to have this man who not only was i no longer with but was with someone else now hold me in such a way. i remember thinking, "please don't do that. it's not fair to anyone."

completing our review of the first floor, we proceeded up a long winding stairway to the second floor. as we approached the top, i could see ahead that someone was coming down to meet us. recognizing his face from the pictures i'd seen online, i realized that this was going to be my first in-person meeting with charles, michael's new boyfriend. he extended his hand in greeting and graciously indicated that he was glad to finally meet me and seemed to genuinely mean it. he seemed quite kind and i was glad that michael had found a good person to be with. as we all went out onto a second floor that was as nicely appointed as the first, i found myself thinking how much i would like to live in a home like this.

as i looked around i noticed close by an open area loft kind of space that was being used as a family room entertainment area. there were some other people assembled there, friends of michael's and charles's, watching television, actively chatting and laughing. a good time was clearly being had by all and i thought to myself that this home had a lightness and energy that the one i shared with michael greatly lacked, particularly in our last years together.

within moments more people began arriving and coming upstairs to join the other assembled guests. after awhile the palpable warmth and joy of the setting was too overwhelming as it just provided such a painful contrast to the sadness in my own heart. i decided to slip out as quickly and quietly as i could, tears starting to trickle down my cheeks, all with the hope that michael would not see me or follow me. the last moments of the dream were of me walking down the stairs and out of the door crying all the way.

and then i woke up in a darkened room and a lonely bed. i managed to drift back off to sleep, but when i awoke this morning, there was a heavy sad ache in my heart that frankly is still with me as i type this entry.

and that's that i suppose. a dream about a happy life -- a life that was not mine. it amazes me that a heart that has felt pretty much dead and unfeeling can manage to find still more ways to break, bleed, and die.

here's a song that i suspect led to the night's imaginings. interestingly enough, as i complete this entry, it's just started playing on my ipod. i'm listening. and while again there are tears, i just ask, no more dreams, please.

breathe again -- sara bareilles