examining my heart

a few weeks ago, based on my doctor's advice,  i underwent a ct scan of my heart. my persistently high cholesterol levels had him concerned that there might be plaque build up, resulting in clogged arteries and potential damage to my heart. when the results came back, they indicated that my heart was completely normal, no sign of blockage or damage at all. these results put me in the upper 10th percentile of men in my age category. when i visited my doctor for a follow-up visit, he admitted he was astounded by the result and even asked if i wanted to revisit the decision of my taking anti-cholesterol medication. i stated that i'd rather play it safe and stick to the course we'd started.

the interesting thing is if he was looking for a damaged heart, the wrong one was examined. sure, my physical heart may be a good shape, but if there were a ct scan that could be done of my "figurative" heart, the one that represents the part of me that feels, that experiences love and generates hope, well then i'm pretty positive that a significant amount of bruising and breakage would be evident.

this week, in particular, i've been acutely aware of my heart damage. it does feel as if i'm crumbling from the inside, and the damage just seems to get progressively worse as the days go by. i'm pretty tired of living like this. i'm just pretty tired of life in general.

so, yes, if a diagnostic was done on my other heart then well plenty of problems would be found. unfortunately, i'm not convinced that there's a treatment plan available to correct them.