i think i'm getting worse. but in a time where i've felt so bad for so long i've lost my frame of reference. what does good even feel like? certainly, all the promises of things getting better with time feel empty and weightless. i suspect it may have been a mistake to change my medication or at least to have gone on this particular one. i am having way too many moments of mental anguish for this to have been the right solution.
and i feel like i'm looking at life through an increasingly cracked mental and emotional window. everything i see seems distorted and as a result i have no confidence in anything that i am feeling or experiencing. my trust in so many things has eroded. and i am exhausted from fighting to maintain a belief that my life can be anything other than this utter hell that i am in.
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marin mazzie - back to before (ragtime) July 4, 1998
ii was reminded of this performance tonight and wanted to share it here as a tribute to a phenomenal talent who left us way too soon.
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