the drive by

so how are you supposed to feel when someone you've so longed to develop a friendship with tells you through an early morning instant message that he has read all that you've written in the past few days about the pain you've been experiencing  and his sole comment is that he liked your songs? no "so how are you doing today?" no "i hope you feel better soon." and then makes a statement that he will return momentarily but never does.

so obviously this is me and i can tell you how i feel. devastated. so much so that as i thought about it as i was entering the elevator here at work, i could literally feel my heart ripping apart and i broke down into a crying fit the moment the doors closed (fortunately i was alone and had enough time to sort of pull myself together before they reopened).

but my heart is still rent. i have an unanswered text about the fact that there was no inquiry about my well-being. and i wonder, "what have i been doing all of these months?" and somehow i have to suck all of that in and figure out how to be a leader today when what i really want to do is just leave. everywhere. forever.