it's a both and proposition

over the past week or so, i've become acutely aware of how problematic the dynamic of moving out of my depressed state really is. because the depression is both situational and clinical in nature it requires the dual intervention of therapy and medication to resolve. the unfortunate thing, as became explicitly obvious in my therapy session yesterday, if one element isn't working as it should then it mitigates the effectiveness of the other in achieving an overall improvement.

medication stabilizes the emotional state. therapy provides the perspective and direction to be able to move forward. another way of thinking of it is that medication provides the foundation upon which the work of therapy can be built and accomplished effectively.

with this perspective in mind, i recognize that because my medication isn't working in the way it should, i don't yet have the stable foundation with which to work from. as a result, the helpful insights and perspectives provided by my therapist are right now falling into this hole of doubt and sadness. in addition, i lack the enthusiasm or confidence to engage the work he is correct in insisting is necessary to change my life conditions. instead i look at it all as just more potential for hurt and disappointment.

so the next order of business is to get the medication and thereby the clinical side of my depression fixed. while that's the direction, reaching resolution may not be quick or easy. what many people don't realize is that there is not a lot of precision in the science of antidepressants. what i mean by that is there is a general sense of how this class of medications work on the brain, but figuring out which are the right ones to use and in what dosages for a specific individual is really an activity of trial and error. and as i've addressed before during my transition to the current medication i am using, it is not a fun process to live through by any means.

i guess the hardest part is that being in a state of severe depression does not provide a great sense of optimism about life. i delayed going into therapy because i was not convinced that it would help. now i'm in a state where, because of this initial failure in getting me on the right medication, i am starting to doubt that this side of the proposition will be resolved. it's just a pretty bleak picture all the way around right now, and i'm gonna need a win in some aspect of life soon to help me to see things any differently.