so in the course of a couple of weeks, all of the progress i thought had been making has completely fallen apart. i am back to the deep sadness and darkness that has been my life for most of 2014. and i see no way of escaping it.
interestingly enough, i have a therapy appointment this morning. i wish i could say that i'm looking forward to it with the hope that it will provide some hope, but anyone who has been in therapy knows that's not how it works. many sessions are just an exploration of one's pain and it is likely you will leave in no better emotional state than when you walked through the door. sometimes you leave even worse for the wear. i anticipate that this is the kind of experience i am in for this morning.
and from there i go to a full day in which i have to assume the role of inspirational and supportive leader. i have a retreat and other meetings for which to prepare, presentations to draft, and work to plan. it's difficult to do all of that when you have so many doubts about your worth and value as a person and that believing that your life will be anything but this lonely and disappointing mess is a truly foolish dream.
people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel embarrassed or foolish for having made my interests in someone i like known. risking getting hurt is a part of life they say. and all i hear in that is then maybe i'm not really made for this life. it's not as if i've ever felt that i was.
No comments:
Post a Comment