back to if/then

just felt like sharing another song from the newest entrant to my "all time favorite musicals" list. hope you like.

what if? - cast of if/then

depression take two?

i've truly been in a strange state of late. my days of being severely despondent seem to be behind me. for the most part i seem to be on a pretty even emotional keel. i do have some sad moments, but for the most part, i'm just moving through life with a fairly positive attitude.

the thing is, as i'm moving forward, i'm still finding it difficult to engage in the most basic activities. my home is still a disaster area from the move and i have done nothing to get it unpacked and organized. i haven't done laundry or gone grocery shopping in over two weeks. i come home and change out of my work clothes and just throw them in a pile. this weekend i even was struggling with whether i really needed to take clothes to the dry cleaners (i somehow managed to convince myself that i did and that it really wouldn't require much effort). and that's just on the personal side of life. even at work i'm just really doing what absolutely needs to be done when it absolutely has to be done.

it makes me wonder if somehow my depression has mutated in some fashion to a new way of expression. so instead of days filled with tears and struggles with the idea of how i could possibly continue with life, now i'm in a place of being ok with life but not necessarily motivated to truly live it. i mean, i feel like i'm giving the best couch potatoes a run for their money.

there are some glimmers of hope in all of this. i know eventually i will get in gear with the chores. at the very least, i have company coming over the course of the summer and i have enough of a concern for their comfort that i will not allow them to exist in the conditions i seem to be so willing to. and i'm always confident when it comes to doing things for the people i care about i will always rise to the occasion.

as for doing something for me, i have been considering engaging some of the popular dating apps and sites to start meeting guys. on that point, i had the self-reflection just this morning that i've really just got to try something. does this mean i'm confident or optimistic about the outcomes? well, no. does it mean that i'm not concerned about being deeply hurt by any relationships that might result? again, no. but i am recognizing that i can't think that meeting people is going to happen by me lying on my living room couch -- as comfortable and safe as that might feel.

a monday after a holiday weekend

it's now the monday after a three day weekend. it amazes me that after a weekend where i literally did virtually nothing, i am still tired (i guess it doesn't help that i went to bed at close to 1 a.m. and awoke at 6 this morning). and now i have a week looming ahead of me, which includes not only the usual slate full of meetings (except, strangely enough for today, in which i just have my leadership coaching session) but also my having to address the results of my decision to let go of one of my direct reports (communications have to go out, reassignment of work needs to take place, and i need to start the process of finding his replacement). on top of all that, i have to report for jury duty in the morning, and as much as i respect the importance of my civic duty, i so hope i am not impaneled.

the way i feel today, a little weary and not exactly excited about the week, makes me think of a reflection i was having last thursday as i was headed into the three day weekend. it occurred to me that i really didn't much care for having a three day weekend that started on a friday. the reason, i surmised, was that when the holiday occurs on a friday, because you've worked so hard all week anyway, thursday just feels like friday after a full week of work and the holiday then really just feels like a saturday and saturday and sunday just feel like an extended sunday and then you get to come back to a full week. however, when the holiday falls on a monday, then it's like having a regular weekend and a bonus day off and then you get to go back to a shortened work week, which gets you to the next weekend that much quicker. that's a much better dynamic all the way around.

i guess what would be an even better dynamic is my being in a better emotional state where getting through weeks and getting to time off is not such a big deal. life is short, and i so much would prefer to be embracing and savoring what i experience every day rather than seeing my life as so incomplete and unsatisfying.

i think i'm beginning to move out of that emotional way station and starting to feel again. unfortunately, it doesn't seem like i'm moving in the direction that i'd hoped.

a lazy weekend

i have to admit that this has been a pretty lazy weekend even for me. so much so that this is the first entry i've done all weekend. aside from a trip to get a haircut yesterday, i have spent almost the entire time laying on the couch, watching tv, reading graphic novels and magazines, and snacking on junk food. normally, it would be a great way to spend a weekend except i have a tremendous amount of work to do to get this house in order and times a wasting. i have the first of two visitors coming at the end of the month and the house is nowhere near ready to receive guests.

and on the emotional front i would say that though this has been a better weekend than most, i have had flashes of sadness. and today i'm not feeling the most enthusiastic about life. i'm here but beyond that i'm not particularly interested in doing anything more than what i've been doing all weekend long, i.e., virtually nothing.

so it's back to work tomorrow with all the myriad of activities and accountabilities associated with it, and while i do not dread the return, i'm not exactly excited about it either. it just seems like more of the monotonous same and i'm wondering if this feeling of monotony combined with apathy is in any way fatal, if not to the physical body than to the soul. and while my emotional pain may not be as acute or severe as it has been in the recent past, this current state of being certainly does feel as if it is slowly, almost inexorably draining the life out of me. i need a change and soon.

opening up again

so today is my first therapy session in about three weeks, and i have to admit i'm a bit, well more that a bit, apprehensive about it. it will be the first time that i've unpacked what i've been thinking, feeling, experiencing over that time. while it's true that i've had at least a few times of reflection these past several days, there's something about speaking the experiences aloud that makes them so much more real and affecting. i liken it to pulling everything out of junk closet in which you've been tossing various items. it's only when you see the items on full display that you have a real sense of all that's accumulated and that recognition often yields some kind of emotional reaction (usually, in my case, something akin to "how in the world did i get all this crap?"). and so it is with the unpacking of emotional baggage.

i know i will be focusing on this current emotional neutral zone that i find myself in, and though part of me hopes that the discussion will yield at least some degree of perspective on the situation, i just don't know if i'm ready for the emotional fall-out that may result from any revelations that occur. i guess that though this "emotional way station" is not where i want to remain for too long, i don't want to replace it with going back to the place of the severe depression and emotional vulnerability that preceded it.

interestingly enough, this issue of opening up again for therapy is a microcosm of the larger challenge of my being willing to open myself up again to new relationships. each has the risk and potential of my being hurt anew. but, even so, each is necessary if i am going to move on to a better, happier place with the companionship and connection i desire.

so here we go. reflection on the aftermath in the days to come (or is that really a redundant statement?).

the absence of sadness

i'm not really sure why this current emotional state i'm in is bothering me so much. after all, in comparison to the significant pain i was experiencing on a daily basis in the not at all distant past, my present condition could be viewed as a great improvement. still, as i am certainly learning, the absence of sadness doesn't really equate to being happy. and happy is the place i would definitely someday like to be.

i guess the fact that i've somehow gotten to the place that i have without a clear understanding of the how it happened coupled with the fact that i have no clue of when, how, or if i will get to the place i desire to be is what makes all of this so perplexing and disconcerting. and it feels like there is so much i have to accomplish and having to face it all alone is just not what i hoped for at this stage of my life.

i really need to find something else to write about. wouldn't it be great if life provided that something else (in a positive way) to do so?

neither hopeful or hopeless

the title of today's blog entry was a thought that came to me about mid-day yesterday. i was reflecting on my current emotional state that i had written about in yesterday's entry and comparing it to how i've felt for much of this year. through that contemplative moment i recognized that while i could not exactly say that i felt any renewed or greater sense of optimism for how my life would develop nor did i feel the great pessimism about any chance that my life could get better and become more of what i would want it to be.

this state of being in a "hope neutral zone" is frankly more than a bit strange. i can't really identify a time in my life in which i've ever felt like this, and that's saying quite a bit for a man just this side of 50. while i am appreciative of not having the dark thoughts and deep despair that have plagued me for much of this year, i have to admit it doesn't necessarily feel great that i also don't have a sense of any joy or even satisfaction with my life as it stands now nor any abiding belief in if or how it might change for the better.

i guess what's most disconcerting, as i sit in this kind of emotional way station, is the lack of certainty of where my mood will go from here. am i moving toward a constant improvement in my outlook on life and thereby gaining greater confidence in my ability to affect positive change in my life condition or am i just going to tumble back down into the same pit of doubt and despair from whence i've emerged? and what events may transpire in the days and weeks ahead that will determine in which direction i go? will god and the universe be with me and send opportunities for companionship and support my way or will i experience deeper rejection and reminders of how isolated and apart i have felt from all the rich relationships that i so need in my life?

if there is one thing that i am convinced of, it's that i am quite capable of generating a lot of questions about life. if only answering these seeming riddles were more of my forte.