bottoming out

i'm having one of those days. it may be a result of my waking up at around 2:30 a.m. and not really ever getting back to sleep. it may be due to the fact that i'm still getting adjusted to the new anti-depressant medication i'm taking. it may be due to the pacing of work of late. it may be because i have to do a mid-year performance review for a direct report in which i have to share (again) that his performance is not meeting expectations. it may be because i'm still struggling with the news of michael's new relationship and the dynamics of a particular relationship the combination of which seem to have brought many of my latent fears and sense of brokenness to the surface. whatever the reason, i am not feeling at all good at this moment.

my heart is so full and heavy with pain, it feeels as if it's about to rip out of my chest onto my desk surface. my eyes feel like they can barely contain the flood that is building up behind them, and in fact, small streams of tears are managing to find their way out. my head feels as if its ready to explode from the constant barrage of information, decisions, problems, and challenges it is attempting to process. and on top of that i have a runny nose.

so i have about 30 minutes to pull myself together before i have to participate in yet another meeting. i thought maybe taking this bit of time out to do a blog entry and get all of this emotion out would help. i'm not sure that it really has. i'm not sure if anything really can help me at this point.