unsettled and uncertain

i'm in a weird space this morning. i can only describe it as being on the edge of emotion. i keep feeling as if i'm just going to start crying at a moment's notice, and at alternate moments i feel ready either to jump out of my skin or crawl into a hole and pull the dirt over me.

i'm sure it doesn't help that i've slept a grand total of four hours a night every night since monday. it's probably not calming my nerves that i have an early afternoon appointment for a heart test to see if my persistently high cholesterol (now on lipitor as of this week, oh joy) has caused any damage. it could be i'm still adjusting my new antidepressant medication. whatever it is i really wish it would stop.

it could also be that i did end up having a chat with s.r. last night. well, from my end it was more of an emotional outpouring. it was odd in that i was in this space of almost dreading hearing from him and at the same time worrying even more that i wouldn't. had i revealed too much in what i shared? had i pushed his tolerance of my craziness too far for him to remain engaged in our new friendship? and yet at the same time, questioning what i was doing remaining involved in a relationship that made me feel so unsettled and uncertain.

well, the familiar text chime sounded and as soon as i saw it was him with a friendly "happy hump day" greeting, i just lost it and started bawling. i could tell it was my heart revealing to me that no matter how challenging, for good or bad to my long-term sanity, i really valued his friendship and wanted us to remain in each other's lives.

and then out came all of these words, thoughts and feelings. interestingly enough, it turns out he had not read the message or the blog yet. so i gave him a quick rundown of the topics. i did apologize for letting my fears and insecurities get the best of me. i also acknowledged that they're still very much present and palpable. that i really don't feel like i fit in his life. and that of course engendered more tears on my part.

and so here i sit, at the beginning of another day of "executiving," a little tired and a little crazed, wondering if anything will start to make sense. will i ever feel well and whole? will i ever be happy and loved? i think it's going to be one long ass day.