what happens when all you start seeing in an individual is just another opportunity to get hurt all over again? do you keep moving forward in the vain hope that you will be proven wrong or do you stop engaging before the painful dismissal that you believe is inevitable takes place? which is the least painful course of action because at this point it doesn't look like i'm going to emerge without further scarring to my soul? and will the pain result from blind neglect or willful disregard followed by sudden abandonment?
daily greetings that have characterized every day for many months now look like a foolish exercise done by a naive and needy me with the belief being that connections, bonds of friendship were being forged when instead it was likely a mild amusement on his part at best or an annoyance to be endured at worst. and yet the practice has stopped not through intention or neglect but through the sheer loss of will to believe that a hoped for friendship was there on the other side. another loss, another loss.
when do the relationships with men that bring love and healing come to my life? or am i either so unworthy or damaged to even warrant that as a desire let alone an expectation.
what i do know is that my ambien has kicked in big time. now is my time to sleep and take bets on whether i sleep long or short and have dreams sweet or stressful. i think i know where things are going to end.
me alone with memories and the questions of how i got here in the first place behind me.
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marin mazzie - back to before (ragtime) July 4, 1998
ii was reminded of this performance tonight and wanted to share it here as a tribute to a phenomenal talent who left us way too soon.
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