paper thin

last night i received a message from a friend in which he encouraged me that my life circumstances would get better. he is by no means the first and only person that has passed on such encouragement. this weekend alone i received at least two other similar encouragements, one from another friend and the other from my doctor.

this morning i woke up with the recognition that as each day goes by how much "thinner" this reassurance is getting and how much heavier my doubt grows. this phenomenon is close to the point that i feel the former will not be able to bear the weight of the latter and is about to tear right through it, leaving more emotional devastation in its wake.

it doesn't help that i seem to be in a pattern of reminding myself of how many "it will get better" scenarios i've experienced over the last close to half a century. like a salmon swimming upstream, i am strenuously moving through a tide of "remember when that situation or life development was supposed to be the 'get better' or that one or that one." in fact, when i look over the landscape of all the "get betters" that upon further reflections really morphed to "as bad if not worse" situations (and yes, i do include my recently departed relationship in this category), i am ever more discouraged.

if i sound a bit fatalistic then you are indeed perceptive. i would make attempts to allay any concerns this might raise for you, but it appears that part of this little emotional dance i've been doing includes a great deal of apathy as well. i will share that hope is welcome to "cut in" at any time. unfortunately, he seems to be preoccupied with other partners at the present time.