every morning of late, i wake up, clean up, get dressed, and have breakfast before proceeding to the other events of the day. inevitably, somewhere in that succession of activities, some level of emotional pain surfaces in my heart and mind over the current friendship situation with which i'm struggling. each time it does, i'm disheartened by the fact that the hurt continues to be so persistently present, and i ask god and myself when i will ever feel better.
yesterday, when this same pattern emerged (this time while making breakfast) and the same questioning about the duration of this difficult episode in my life occurred, this one thought broke through the sadness, "you know, this is not like a trip with the kids to an amusement park. you have to recognize that it's going to take time to heal and so you can't keep constantly asking yourself, 'are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?' every day."
so, yes, it will take time to heal. later in the same day, i had another moment of reflection that occurred while i was driving to (of all things) my appointment with my psychiatrist. in it i realized that there is a reason i need to expect it will take quite some time to get over this experience -- a reason that makes me question if "healing" is the realistic goal or if i might have to settle for "just feeling better."
you see, along with the heartbreak that is associated with this seeming loss of this friendship, i have had this recurring thought that has become almost like a mantra, "i can't believe this is happening to me again." i shared in an entry a couple of days ago about the incident with my best friend from high school. what i did not share, and really didn't consciously realize until my car ride yesterday, is that this dynamic of having to deal with issues of abandonment stretches throughout my life. beginning with the foundation laid by my father's early and permanent departure, i've dealt with a major similar loss in relationship in every decade of my life.
the unfortunate thing about this recurring pattern of experience is it's a constant reopening of a wound that causes the pain to go even deeper. as a result, i might get better to a certain degree but the fear of it happening again becomes ever more prevalent with every new relationship (again), especially with men). so much so that there inevitably comes this moment when i sense the signs of lack of engagement or interest and i begin to envision the other person following a clear path out of my life forever.
i've been listening repeatedly to janet jackson's sublimely good new album, and the title track (which i'm posting as today's blog song) has been resonating with me quite a bit. i guess with it's message of lasting fidelity, it shouldn't be surprising that it speaks very deeply to a soul laden with abandonment issues.
so asking "are we there yet?" on this particular trip indeed doesn't make sense, particularly when i have no idea if i ever will reach that amusement park.
unbreakable - janet jackson
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