it just keeps getting "better"

So now the Pope decides to make us public enemy number one (again). I think this means that I'm officially done (click on title to link to my Subjectively Disordered: A Faith Life in Neutral entries on the old blog for more insight to this reference).

I was sent a helpful commentary on this issue from the Guardian, a UK newspaper. You can access it directly here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/dec/23/pope-benedict-xvi-gayrights.

Though well expressed my only slight rebuttal is that whether we like it or not the Pope still influences millions of people. Many of those people vote on things like Prop. 8 in California. Even more unfortunately (at least to me), they also react to their gay children with rejection and condemnation. It's commentary like the pontiff's that justify and I would submit even motivates their actions.

Perhaps on this day of celebration of a new light entering the world, it would be best to remember one of my favorite verses from Scripture, John 1:5 "and the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it."

Peace to all this Christmas Day.

an open letter to the president-elect

I've been sitting on this note for awhile. I wrote it shortly after the announcement that Pastor Rick Warren had been invited to give the invocation at the inauguration of Barack Obama. I had hoped to be able to send it to the transition offices but have not been able to find an e-mail address, so just thought I'd post it here. Feel free to share and if you know how to get this to the Obama folks please send it with my regards.

I am writing, as I am sure so many others have probably done so before me, to express my deep disappointment in the selection of Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at President Obama's inauguration. As an African-American gay man, I feel personally wounded that the President-elect would deem it acceptable to give such an honorable position to someone who would be an opponent to the civil rights of any group in our society. I am aware that the President-elect does not support gay marriage. I respectfully disagree with him on his view on the matter and choose to believe that his opposition is not grounded in misguided bigotry about the place of gays and lesbians in our society. The same belief cannot be extended to Pastor Warren. His equating permitting gay unions to legalizing pedophilia indicates a sadly uninformed view of the GLBT community and, for all his purported tolerance, ultimately a denial of our basic shared humanity. What I do hope is that someday the President-elect will recognize that this issue has deep resonance in the GLBT community and that choices like this one seem to indicate a trivialization on his part of not only this matter but really of our entire movement toward equality.

I had originally intended to take the day of Inauguration off to enjoy the day's events on television. I will not be doing so at this point. Though I am still pleased with the election of Mr. Obama, I no longer feel the same sense of celebration that I once did about the inaugural event itself. Perhaps it is contemplating the Warren selection on the same day that I wake to hear on my local NPR station that my own country has refused to sign a UN resolution calling for the decriminalization of homosexuality that has me in such a dour mood.

I recognize that the President-elect's selection is intended to display some sign of inclusion of diverse opinions. I just find it interesting that he chose to recognize to include someone whose discriminatory viewpoints do not impact him directly. Where, for example, is the prominent placement of an avowed segregationist who opposes equal inclusion of people of color in our society? I recognize that denigration of people by race is no longer in vogue as is still the case with those of us in the GLBT community, but I'm sure if the transition had searched a little harder you could have found someone.

In closing, I would not presume to tell the President-elect who he can have perform the invocation at his inauguration, and therefore, am not requesting a rescinding of the invitation to Pastor Warren as I'm sure others have. I merely wish to share that how the decision has affected me personally. My prayers will continue to be for the President's every success in fulfilling the responsibilities of his office. Thank you for your attention to my correspondence.

Sincerely,
Clarus65

exhale

So history has been made and a new, hopeful course will soon be charted for our nation. I've placed a link in the title that goes to a You Tube clip of a song that expresses exactly how I'm feeling now after eight long, dark years. It is a brand new day.

Here are the lyrics:

Everybody look around
'Cause there's a reason to rejoice you see
Everybody come out
And let's commence to singing joyfully
Everybody look up
And feel the hope that we've been waiting for

Everybody's glad
Because our silent fear and dread is gone
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad
Because the sun is shining just for us
Everybody wake up
Into the morning into happiness

Hello world
It's like a different way of living now
And thank you world
We always knew that we'd be free somehow
In harmony
And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change
For us to live so independently
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad
Because the sun is shining just for us
Everybody wake up
Into the morning into happiness
Hello world
It's like a different way of living now
And thank you world
We always knew that we'd be free somehow
In harmony
And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change
For us to live so independently
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

wondering

The thing about the ending of a relationship, at least what I'm coming to discover, is all of the questions that begin coming to mind. For Nigel, the questions seem to be "what went wrong?", "what can be done to salvage this?", and "is there any possibility that I would reconsider?" For me the questions seem to center on "how did I end up in such a dysfunctional relationship?", "why did I not pay attention to any of the warning signs?" and "why did I stay in it for so long?"

Actually, there are two questions that have risen to the surface and continue to roll around the surface of my cerebrum, "am I really well-suited for a live-in, intimate relationship," and even if the answer to that is "yes," "how do I know that I won't make the same mistakes all over again?"

Needless to write that this hasn't exactly been the easiest of weeks. What am I doing? Well, there's another one.

to love again

So last night's conversation with Nigel continued with variations on the same basic themes. Why was I doing this? He thought we were happy. What had he done wrong? I must really hate him to do this. The interesting thing is that each time we've talked I've found myself being clearer and more articulate about what is going on.

Last night we finally hit upon the thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not well-suited for that level of relationship. I know I got through on that one, because Nigel asked in response, "Are you saying that you don't think you want to be in a relationship with anyone?" When I responded that that observation might indeed be true, he was pretty incredulous. He could not believe that anyone would actually choose to be single. The other reason I know we finally hit on an idea central to the break-up is that my reaction to him was pretty strong as well. I found my voice going up a few decibels when I exclaimed (perhaps slightly ranted), "Why is that so hard to believe? Who says that we have to go through life paired off; that somehow being single is somehow abnormal -- that you can't have a fulfilled life if you're on your own. Maybe some people just aren't meant for relationships."

Now, the irony of all of this is that later in the conversation, Nigel shares that, as a result of our relationship ending, he doesn't think that he can possibly enter into another one because of the potential hurt. He also asked me how he will ever be able to trust someone again. I don't think I really had an adequate response for either comment. All I could say is that it was natural to feel that way now, but eventually that would change.

Now, another irony is that this is my first break-up ever and Nigel has had a few relationships that had ended before this one. True, none of them was for as long or as serious, but still, shouldn't he be the positions be reversed on this one? Shouldn't he be telling me that maybe one day I will feel differently about relationships? That may be true, but I think we're in the same boat on this one. I think it would take something extraordinary happening for me to find myself sharing a life to this extent with someone else.

In my case I don't think it's about being afraid of being hurt. I think I'm more concerned of losing my way, losing my sense of self in a relationship again. I let go of so many things that were central to my identity, all for the sake of preserving a relationship that at its core was very unhealthy. Not a good choice. The thing is people don't come with "completely dysfunctional, avoid intimate relationship with at all costs" stamped on their foreheads. Discovering that as with losing oneself (at least in my case) happens slowly over time, and, before you know it, you've gone from sailing away on the Love Boat to "is there a life preserver up in here?"

I've been in kind of a fog of sadness this morning, hence the reason I'm writing this blog entry. What also sparked this entry was something I read moments ago. The management team that I'm a part of is reading this book called Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change by William Bridges to help us with the cultural shift we are attempting to make in our own area of work. So, in my gloom, I sit down and open up to today's chapter, which interestingly enough is entitled "How to Get People to Let Go." These are the first words I read:

Before you can begin something new, you have to end what used to be. Before you can learn a new way of doing things, you have to unlearn the old way. Before you can become a different kind of person, you must let go of your old identity. So beginnings depend on endings.

Then, in the margins on the next page is another interesting quote attributed to a French writer named Anatole France, which, by the way, seems like such an odd last name for someone who is French. Anyway, Msr. French states, "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another."

Food for thought, even for someone like me, who, lately, hasn't had much of an appetite.

party of one

So I guess it's done. An evening discussion. A sharing of hearts. Confusion, disbelief, disconnect -- two people in very different places with very different perspectives on what is left of a relationship. A teary pledge to try to remain friends. An honest declaration that if it is not possible we will understand. What was one becomes two; what was two is now one. Heavy in heart I move forward weary but hopeful that life has more joys in store for me and for him. Truly a page has turned.

why now?

Sitting here listening to music. Sarah McLachlan, natch. This time Afterglow. In response to Nigel's questions about "why now?" and "what happened?" I think the lyrics to the song "Time" pretty much say it all (or at least how they speak to me). I can't think of a song that better characterizes my feeling about our relationship. I used to listen to it many a time back in St. Louis and silently weep inside (I've also linked the title to a You Tube playing of the song if you'd like to listen to it, just click on the title to this entry):

Time here,
all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.
And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time
But you send your thieves to me
silently stalking me
Dragging me into your wall
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist, trying to reopen a sore

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

You see love-- a tight, thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold
You have me to hold me
a token for all to see
captured to be yours alone
And I need just a little more silence,
and I just need a little more time
The courage to pull away
there will be hell to pay
the deeper you cut to the bone

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

Time here,
all but means nothing,
just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company,
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

a step indeed

I'm not sure how I do it. I find myself in the middle of a difficult conversation that not only do I have no idea how it started but was one that I had no intention of having in the first place. Cue last night's phone conversation with Nigel at approximately 10:30 EST. [Please note that this is the ultra-abridged version because I literally don't know how it really unfolded and still only have a vague recollection of most of what was said]:

Me: So how was your day?
Nigel: Kind of crazy. The house is a mess because Percy and I moved stuff out of the guest room to get ready for my mother to move in this weekend. I'm also worried about the department meeting next week when we vote on Joseph's tenure because it's not going to pass. He's been such a good friend to us and I know he is going to be so disappointed and his wife will hate me forever. Plus, I'm really lonely here. I miss you and still don't think I'll ever get used to our being separated. We're not ever going to live together are we?
Me: Umm, er, umm . . .well . . . ummmmmm . . . . no, I don't think we will.
Nigel: What did you say?
Me: Umm, er, ummmm, well, you know, ummm, I think you've noticed that I've been kind of distracted over the last couple of weeks when we've talked, and it's because I've been thinking alot about how we are in different places about the separation. You're having a really difficult time with it . . .
Nigel: and it doesn't seem to be affecting you at all.
Me: Well, umm, no it isn't. Actually, I kind of think I prefer it.
Nigel: So, what are you saying?
Me: I'm not sure what I'm saying. My mind won't seem to let me get further than saying that I don't think we will ever live together again.
Nigel: So what are you saying? Because I'm really lonely and I'm trying to be good, but I can't promise I won't break down and seek out companionship somewhere.
Me: Umm, yes, I understand.
Nigel: So what are you saying?! Do you want me to start seeing other people?!

[Narrator's Note: Now see, if this were a movie, it's at this point the ominous music would be swelling because my character would be about to say something really stupid because he thinks he's hearing one thing, when even the fleas on the seeing eye dog of the blind movie goer knows that something completely different is being asked by Nigel's character. So rewind a bit and continue]

Nigel: So what are you saying?! Do you want me to start seeing other people?!
Me: Umm, well, yeah, if that's what will make you happy.
Nigel: WHHHHAAAAATTTTT????!!!!!!!!!

[2nd Narrator's Note: Another way of explaining the monumental error just made by me who had not intended to bring up this subject at all and is your basic Southern-influenced conflict avoider . . . at this point, if Helen Keller were in the audience, she'd be thinking about me, "you dumbshit." Back to the drama]

Nigel: I can't believe you're saying this. I thought I would be the first person if anyone to ever say anything like that, but not you. I knew this would happen! I knew you would see that you didn't need me anymore. I can't believe you're doing this now! With everything that's happening this is the absolute worst time. . . Bernie [the friend that introduced us -- actually I'm pretty sure I've used a different pseudonym for him before but in this moment of distress I have no idea what it is], Bernie said you would never break up with me [this was back when he first set us up. What poor Nigel doesn't know is that for the last five months Bernie has been basically telling me to "run don't walk" out of this relationship, but that's just between me and you three other people who read this blog]. How could you do this to me?!!! Don't you love me anymore?!!! I love you!! I was doing ok with the separation. I can't believe you would do this. [Cue about a minute of hysterical crying. Not just crying, mind you, but gut wrenching, from deep in the diaphragm, ready to end in convulsive vomiting, sobbing.]

[3rd Narrator's Note: Please note that the above stream of dialogue did not all happen in one fell swoop. Lucky for me it was stretched out for the next 45 minutes or so, all the better to savor the fact that I was plunging a dull, rusty butter knife in and through the heart of the man that I professed to love for the last seven years. The reason I have not mentioned anything that I said during this period is that it was pretty much a bunch of nonsensical "I'm sorries" and "I didn't want to hurt you. I just thought I should be honest"s.]

And after about another 15 minutes of the same, I said that I needed to get off the phone, since I wasn't making much sense anyway, and that I would call him the next day to which Nigel responded "yeah, whatever."

I've since gotten a phone message and (now that I just checked) an e-mail message. I'll copy the e-mail here since it says the same thing as the voice mail.

Dear Clarus,

I must say that blocking my phone calls is a rather brutal way of handling the situation. What a lame answer to the question at hand this truly is!!!!

[My Note: I have not blocked Nigel's calls. I have no idea how to do that even if I wanted to. I think in his distress, he may have just dialed the wrong number. I've told him as much in my voice mail back and will do so as well in my e-mail back, which will be brief. Back to Nigel's comments]

I have never been so shocked as this evening. You were the one person in the world that I trusted, and to hear you express certain perspectives was more than unsettling.

I am rocked to the core. I cannot believe that you would want to put an end to
our relationship. You may hold in me in contempt, but believe me you were the one
and only that I truly loved. As I have tried to communicate to you, the you should
never turn your back on love. It happens so infrequently that it is certainly a
rare commodity, and cannot be reproduced wily-nilly.

I am bewildered, shocked, sad, and angry.

My mother moves here on Sunday; how can I maintain a composure that makes her seem
at home. I can never tell her.

[Another Note From Me: I hate to tell him that "good timing" has never been my strong suit. I "came out" to my Mom at Thanksgiving which happened about a week following her sister's (my aunt's) funeral following my aunt's two year battle with lung cancer. Considering it took me thirty-four years to finally admit that I was gay to her and to myself, I think, comparably speaking, Nigel got a pretty quick and not too poorly timed response myself. Now see, gallows humor is what I excel at. On to Nigel's finally point.]

Why would you do this to me--to us??????????

Nigel

Not much else to write except that as painful as it all was and will be moving forward, I would not change what happened (well, maybe the hysterical crying could have gone for like 30 seconds less). Actually, what I mean is that I'm glad it's all now out in the open. I'm sorry it is causing Nigel such pain because even though I don't think our relationship has been particularly healthy for either of us, I do love him, and want him to be happy.

Still, even with all this perspective, I think I may be leaving work a little earlier today than I normally would and sit with Winston for a bit in the silence.

revelation hangover

I know. It's pretty amazing. Two entries in less than 24 hours. Someone alert Ripley's that there's a new phenomenon to report on. Actually, the earlier entry had been one I had been sitting on for quite awhile and just had not had the opportunity to commit it to blog space. This morning provided that opportunity.

Now, I sit here after probably (no, definitely) the best weekend I've had since I've been here. A very dear friend, one that I've known since eighth grade, came for a weekend visit. We did some sightseeing in Cambridge when she got here and then had fun in the city yesterday afternoon by walking around and doing a little window shopping. Early evening we met my new friend Dan and his friend Tim at Symphony Hall and watched a hilarious reading by David Sedaris. The evening was then capped off by a great meal and wonderful conversation at a little French bistro around the corner from the hall.

I'm now just back from dropping off my friend Rachel (of course a pseudonym which I hope she is okay with) at the train station, and I find myself a little weary. Though there were many moments of laughter, I did spend quite a bit of time talking about the situation with Nigel. As I told Rachel last night, perhaps the most difficult aspect of sharing the inner workings of my relationship with Nigel is watching the various looks of disbelief and near horror that crosses everyone's face. These kinds of reactions can be particularly disconcerting when I haven't even gotten to the parts that I deem to be the really difficult issues. It's kind of like telling this funny story and the people are laughing well before the part that you think is funny. And though all the talk has been helpful, it has also been very fatiguing and it definitely feels like that's caught up with me.

Moving forward in this whole situation is going to be really challenging, but move forward I must. I think Rachel really helped me frame the situation in a way that shows the stark reality. She shared with me that her last relationship was one that while acceptable at some levels was by no means one that she wanted to continue. I met the guy she dated once and thought he was nice and she shared that he definitely was. It's just that she knew that she did not want to be with him for the long haul.

And that's really it, isn't it? It's not who is right or wrong, good or bad, help or hindrance. It's whether you still see that it makes sense to be together or not -- whether being whole and well in mind, body and spirit is supported by the relationship or not. I'm leaning toward not, but time will tell if that lean turns into a fall, or, better yet, a step.

maybe it's a metaphor

Life has been a bit of a jumble for me lately. I find myself confronting thoughts and emotions that are at once both unexpected and familiar. So there's more than a bit of "where did that come from" and "oh yeah that's right" going on between my ears. This angst filled struggle naturally, given my entries of late, rests on my relationship with Nigel.

Though others tell me otherwise, I am unsure how our relationship should move forward. He continues to be unhappy about the separation and I continue to be fine with it. Actually, no, the truth I've allowed myself to acknowledge is that I actually prefer the separation, and don't really see how we could ever live together again. If I go by the basic premise that people pretty much are who they essesntially are, then it doesn't make sense for these two peoples to continue in this relationship in the same way.

And that's as far as I get. An understanding of what the "different way" for our relationship should be continues to elude me. It's tough, and to add to the complexity, for weeks I'd been having trouble getting my commitment ring on my left ring finger. With some major twisting, turning, maybe a little lotion I'd manage to get it on and with some effort I was able to get it off each evening. Then the other day, no matter what I did, I couldn't get the ring on. It just didn't fit anymore.

what does it mean when . . . .

In my last entry, I shared that Nigel had come to town for a visit. I also stated that we had a nice time, which is a true but not entirely complete characterization of that visit. The full story is that following a six day visit, though I enjoyed his company, I was also pretty happy to see him go.

No one would be more surprised than me that this is how I felt particularly given how I felt upon leaving him two weeks before after a visit back in St. Louis. After that visit, I was pretty sad and wished I could spend more time with him. So what does it mean when two days is too short of a visit with someone who is supposed to be your life partner, yet six days is getting pretty close to being too long for being together under the same roof?

To be honest, I don't think it was about time except to say that two days was probably short enough for Nigel to sustain a higher degree of attentiveness than he has in recent history, particularly when he had not seen me in little over a month. However, six days, after having just seen me two weeks before, probably led to him resorting back to old habits. In fact, it was so much of a return to previous behavior patterns, I was wondering if he had forgotten that he doesn't normally get to see me every day. Thus, my feeling that sleeping in until 3 pm may not exactly be the best choice for how to spend a Saturday. Six days was also enough time for me to remember the aspects of our relationship that I'm not happy with and see them on full display before me. Therefore, when it was time for him to go, I was all too happy to see him off at the airport.

Nigel expresses almost every evening how difficult the separation is for him. I am not nearly in that place. He wants me to come back to visit sooner than later. I'm having quite a bit of difficulty being motivated to travel back before Thanksgiving. So what does it mean when there is this kind of imbalance in a relationship?

I was having brunch with a new friend yesterday and spent a good amount of our time reflecting on my relationship with Nigel, who the new friend has met and spent some time with as well. It was a time filled with the "so what does it mean" questions -- many asked half rhetorically and half seriously seeking an answer. He was a good sounding board, but when I got home I was quite exhausted from the time of interior exploration.

Now I find myself back in that place of trying to figure out what it all does mean. On top of all of that has been mentioned, there is a larger overarching question. At this point, it's clear that I have no desire to return to the same living situation that I had with Nigel, but is it that I don't want to live any longer with Nigel or is it that maybe I'm not made to live with anyone? Maybe I'm just not relationship material or at least in the conventional sense of relationship. And how long do I sustain the current situation? Yes, it is working for me but clearly it's not working for someone that I truly do love. I'm just not sure I can live with him anymore.

So, what does it mean? I hope the right answers come soon.

what we fear the most

Nigel recently came for a visit. It was a greatly appreciated time together for both of us particularly since it almost didn't happen. Up to a few hours before his flight left, neither of us were sure if he was actually going to get on the plane to come out here. You see, Nigel is deathly afraid (just shy of phobic) about flying. So much so that in his 43 years of life, he's only been on a plane a handful of times. On top of that, the upcoming (now past) trip was going to be the first time he had ever flown alone. So there was significant terror going on, but fortunately and admirably, he rose above it and made his way here and back home safely.

Fear is an interesting emotion. It is certainly a natural and, at times, necessary feeling. It warns us of when we're confronting a potentially dangerous or harmful situation and can put our senses on alert so that we can engage the situation in as careful a manner as possible. Often, specifically when we allow it to control us rather than alert us, fear, itself, is more harmful than the situation that may evoke it. Cue FDR.

I find it interesting that many people think that hate (another small word with big impact) is the most dangerous emotion on the planet when it is really fear that is at the root of so many of the ills that have plagued human kind. Think of an -ism and fear is smack in the middle of it -- racism, terrorism, sexism, anti-semitism and so forth all stemming from an irrational fear of the differences between people -- a fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt can cause us to destroy the most beneficial of relationships and fear of being alone can keep us in the most destructive. And most dangerously, at least to me, the fear of what might happen can keep us from experiencing all that is possible. It can even keep us separated from the ones we love, if we let it.

So when it comes to fear, it's best to remember that it is an emotion that is meant to serve us and not the other way around.

some news (that's not really)

It appears that some long speculated information will soon be confirmed by a popular magazine. A surprise for some but not so much for others. All I have to say is "told you so."

crying wolfe?

Today is my first full day back home after spending this last weekend at my other home with Nigel and a couple of days at a conference for work. The time back in St. Louis was nice. Nigel was very sweet and so attentive. As difficult as our discourse was a few weeks ago, I am really glad that time of brutal honesty happened. I think it really woke the both of us up to where we had allowed the relationship to drift and that some definite corrective action was required. So the first thing we've committed to doing is really sharing how we're feeling and not holding back. It's a start.

As nice a time as I had with Nigel, I can't exactly say that it was great being back in the area or even really in the house. There was such a sadness that seemed to pervade particularly our home that I kept speculating on what was the cause. I mean it was palpable and I wondered if it was a reflection of the many difficult days and nights that I had spent in those rooms, questioning if I would ever be happy in all the facets of my life. Does a house absorb emotion into the walls like a dry sponge takes in water? And so, as much as I wished I could remain with Nigel, I can't say that I was sorry to leave St. Louis.

So maybe Thomas Wolfe was right but the stranger thing is with this latest relocation I'm beginning to wonder where exactly home is. Still, drawing from another old saying, if home is where the heart is then maybe for me home is actually now a person rather than a particular place and if that is indeed the case then for the first time since I've moved I can say that I do miss home.

the day I've had

New jobs are always an interesting experiencing, particularly when you've had several "new job experiences" under your belt. I am now moving out of the introductory phase of my newness to the I'm now ready to get some work out there. It's in this phase that I'm realizing one encounters the "real organization" that one is working for. During the introductory phase, you experience the "marketed organization" which I define as essentially the organization that is presented in the glossy brochures, the slick commercials, the information passed on to you by the recruitier and shared by all of the folks you interviewed with. Every now and then, some one may slip a little reality in there, but for the most part, they are still selling you the organization as they would like people to see it.

Then comes the opportunity to put your first bit of work out there and you begin to see not only the real organization but how well aligned you actually are with the actual culture. Now to be fair, sometimes the "marketed" and "real" may be very close to one another. Other times, they may be so far apart that you have an encounter that makes you want to run outside the building to double check the building signage, confirming that you did indeed enter the organization that you thought you did.

My experience today wasn't quite that drastic, but it was a little jarring. It basically involved my trying to get a discussion going on how our department should approach a given project and there seemed to be varied degrees of understanding related to what I was saying. From the "oh, of course," to the "whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?" I think what was surprising is that the former reaction came from the most "junior" member of the group and the latter from one of the most "senior" who has responsibility for a key element of our operations. So it was a "if you're not getting this conceptually then we may have some more serious issues to deal with before we even begin talking about how we're actually going to do the work."

I've been here before in other jobs and I would say the one thing I've got going for me is that my boss emphatically gets it and will be doing her part to ensure that the others get it or get out of the way. Still, it always makes for a fun day when you have these kind of occurrences. I'm sure there will be more to come and definitely more to share.

so not a class act

So with one decision Senator John McCain demonstrates that his main concern is becoming President at all costs. If that means he has to pimp out some D-list Governor (and former beauty pageant contestant) to do so then so be it. Anyone who was a Clinton supporter that would view the presence of Sarah Palin as an acceptable (even tolerable) substitute either hasn't been paying attention to what Hillary Clinton has been doing for her entire career or has had a complete lobotomy between primary season and now (or both).

There was a time that I thought McCain would be a tolerable alternative, and I was pleasantly surprised he emerged as the winner in the GOP primaries. Well, that time officially ended with his VP pick (though his steady abandonment of any and all scruples as he persistently has tried to kiss up to the radical right certainly has eroded any good will he might have generated over the past eight years). Now, I couldn't imagine a man that I would want less in the office of President than Mr. McCain. However, there is certainly one woman that I could . . . .

such a class act

I just finished watching Hillary Clinton's speech from the Democratic National Convention. Yes, I'm aware that it is the day after the speech, but now that I'm on Eastern Standard Time, I find it impossible to stay up past 10 p.m. and be fresh for work the next day. Therefore, I've employed my good friend Tivo to allow me to experience the convention, albeit with a time delay. Now back to the speech.

Thank you Sen. Clinton for showing the world why 18 million of us supported you through the Presidential primary process and why we know our nation would be privileged to have you serve as our President. I had no fears or concerns that she would not do everything she could to rally the party to support our eventual nominee, Barack Obama. However, I think she did even more than that.

She reminded people that this election is not about the candidates, it is about us, as in we the American people. It is about believing again that our government is here to serve us and to work on our behalf -- our as in broadly defined and inclusive of all our citizenry, not narrowly as in the privileged few, appealing only to special interests.

It is my sincere prayer that people really listened this time to not only the masterful speech given by Hillary, but the outstanding one delivered by Michelle Obama as well (now wouldn't that be a great ticket for the future). Stop listening to the party of McCain that appeals to your fears and prejudices and embrace the hope and vision for a better America that comes in the person of Barack Obama. Last I heard, "leadership" involves someone who inspires and motivates. America needs serious leadership for a serious time and seriously there's only one choice and it ain't the senator from Arizona.

even the dmv knows me

I was walking out to the parking lot after a successful shopping day (a sports jacket and tie from Macy's, a pair of pants from Banana Republic, four pairs of shoes from DSW, a new vacuum cleaner and assorted toiletries from Target, some magazines from Borders, and a DVD from Best Buy -- it was a fun day) and I noticed that my new license plate has the letter "Y" repeated twice in succession. So it's "digit, digit, Y, Y, digit, digit."

Immediately, I'm struck by the realization of how appropriate that is, for like a three year old that has just discovered the interrogative, I am constantly questioning the meaning of this thing we call life. From the smallest matter (why are there so many different types of laundry detergents?) to the largest (why do people hate other people because of their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.?), I am pondering the elements of our existence. -- sometimes to the point of exhaustion.

Now, I have a car that shares that fact with the world.

when the leader isn't

I got a call the other day from a former work colleague and current friend who, justifiably, was in a state of extreme exasperation with her "superiors" in the organization she works for. Listening to her concerns and recognizing the intense state of frustration she was in took me back to my own days of working for less than competent bosses.

In her case she is in the even more unenviable position of not only having her direct boss be totally useless (actually "totally useless" would be overstating the value of this individual to the work), but the direct boss's boss is completely out of her depth. It's like the two are in some kind of "nuclear arms race of incompetence" -- each trying to outdo the other in making one ill-conceived decision after another. Still another friend familiar with the situation describes the situation as like the "blind leading the retarded" (forgive me for being very un-PC in sharing that comment but it is just sooo apropos).

So as I was listening, I could feel my stomach churning with the same feeling of a mixture of anxiety and hopelessness that I had when I was in a similar situation. At the heart of it is this simple truism, the culture of an organization is dictated from the top. This is particularly true with an organization like my friend's -- one that is small and basically flat in it's organizational structure. The saddest aspect of the situation is that my friend is immensely bright, talented, and has just the most sincere desire to make a difference in the work she's doing, yet the folks in "leadership" of the organization make all of her best efforts virtually for naught. There is nothing worse than being a work situation where you are giving a 110% effort and the organization is not only not progressing, it's actually regressing.

So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation like this, when the leader isn't leading. Well, first, don't do what I have tended to do. Don't allow your devotion to the work keep you in a situation that is sucking your soul dry far longer than you should. You see sucking your soul dry is the one thing that incapable leaders tend to do well. They have this uncanny ability to take advantage of their best employees. You're capable of doing a job that takes the nimrod who is your peer (or, in my friend's case, "boss") twice as long and you do it with twice the quality to boot. Guess what? The incapable leader will give you the task that the "nimrod" dropped the ball on with half the time you should have gotten to do the job well and then hound you about why it isn't done yet. To top it all off, when you do deliver, neither the nimrod or the leaderless wonder will acknowledge that you came in yet again and saved the day.

If you find yourself in a situation that sounds even remotely similar to the preceding description then this is what I think you should do (and what I told my friend). You take care of you. You reasses what it is that you want to be doing with your life and you devote all of your creative energy to finding that. You call, e-mail, send letters out to everyone you know and some you don't, letting them know that you're looking and would appreciate whatever help they could provide. You search on the internet for opportunities. You look in the classifieds. You pray. You keep your eyes and ears open to the universe shifting and making your next move known to you. You go to whatever lengths you have to to get yourself to a place that values your skills, your experience and your work ethic -- a place where you can fulfill your vocation, giving your God-given talents in service to making a difference in your corner of the world.

It is not your responsibility to save the organization you work for no matter how laudable the mission it has. There are other people that have that role of ensuring the well-being of the organization (in the nonprofit world we call those people part of the governance of the organization, and there's a reason that's the term that's used).

Finding your new opportunity is now your full-time job, but also keep this in mind. Never run from something, run to something. Go to an opportunity that you believe to be the best one possible (certainly be confident that it will be much better than the one you're in). Remember, you take care of you. You're certainly more than worth it.

clearer

I believe I have good news to report. Nigel and I had a very good phone conversation yesterday afternoon into evening and I think we are clearer on where each other stands. I think he really heard me about the mistakes we both had been making, and that in moving forward, we need to be even more conscious of the points raised.

I know, at the very least, that I was clear that I was going to be different (in, what I believe, a good way even if for my own well-being) than I had been in the most recent past. I will back to visit him in a few weeks and then he wants to come out here the next month (a major development as he does not like to fly, but I take this as a gesture that he wants to work at being equal partners in our relationship).

I trust that all will be well because I am determined not to lose myself again. Nothing is worth that.

feeling exposed

It's been a strange experience re-entering the world of blogging. I decided to do it because I felt with such a major life transition, I really needed to be journaling again, so why not use this medium to do so. I also decided that unlike the previous blog, this one was really going to be just for me. If other people read it, well that would be ok. Maybe my take on my life experiences could be useful to someone else thinking through their own issues. Then I thought I'm so terrible at keeping in touch with people this would be a great vehicle for people who were wondering how I was doing to just drop by and take a look at their leisure, so I started letting people know the address of this blog. Then this situation with Nigel emerged, and now I'm wondering if all of those decisions were really compatible with one another?

I am now sharing what had largely been my private stuff save the one friend (well and Nigel of course. However, given his reactions to what I've shared, maybe I was correct in my first characterization). After the last couple of days, I'm sort of feeling like I'm wearing the emperor's clothes. For now I believe I've made the right choices. The people who know me who may or may not be reading are people I believe truly care about me and so are probably the ones who I should have been sharing this stuff with all along. However, if I think something I'm about to share is "too much information" for people who know me, I might put some kind of "TMI Warning" at the beginning of the post (so be forewarned you few readers you).

So, as for my thoughts on the situation with Nigel, I have one simple perspective. I want both Nigel and myself to be in a relationship that is both happy and healthy, that supports and encourages the other towards greater degrees of wholeness. I would like this to be the same relationship for each of us, our relationship. I think this means being honest with each other about what we want from life, which I also know, means that first we each need to be honest with our own selves first, which may be the more difficult feat.

One friend is skeptical that the relationship will be able to continue. He says that in the entire time that he has known Nigel (which is much longer than I have), Nigel has not changed and what would be necessary for Nigel and me to be in the kind of relationship I desire, all agree, will require some growth and yes change on both our parts. He may be right, but I could not live with myself if I did not encourage us to try.

I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond (lingering mostly in the "Beyond" part I guess) earlier today, and I came across a set of those 3-D inspirational word plaque thingies. I found myself drawn to one that said simply "FAITH." If I remember correctly, recovering Evangelical moving on to lapsed Catholic that I am, faith is defined in the Bible as "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." I certainly need an abundance of that, so I bought it and it now sits on top of the entertainment center in my little rental home as a helpful reminder. Plus, since I've already determined that I want to dwell in hope and to draw from love, it seems only fitting that I have faith to complete the set.

this is going to be tough

More communications between Nigel and myself following my note to him. I have no additional commentary (save the title of this entry) to express how I feel. Perhaps towards the end of the weekend, I'll have something to share:


Dear clarus,

I have spent the evening and now early morning hours considering both our conversation and letter. I must say that it is with a heavy heart that I send this email.

I am particularly struck by the statement that "you are no longer interested in preserving the relationship at all cost" (paraphrased). It seems odd to make such a remark so early into this new "relationship."

I thought I would never hear that from you, so it comes as quite a shock to the senses. I know that I do not want to be one of the many gay couples who end their relationship after a few years; how convenient it is to RUN from one's relationship problems.

It is clear to me a least (based a careful read and re-read of your letter) that you hold serious levels of anger toward me. Right now, I feel like a complete failure as I feel that everything I have done in the past 7 years has been wrong. I remembering you saying that I was a "nag" for saying things bout dining, TV programming, etc. I thought I had made a serious change in my behavior in that regard. I guess I didn't.
I thought I was a loving partner. I guess I was mistaken in that too.

As of this writing, I feel shocked, angry, disgusted, sad, hurt, and punched in the stomach. I'm also guardedly optimistic.

Love,
Nigel

PS: I also know that this email is not well-written. I do not think I have expressed myself well. In part this is because I do not know what to say.


Dear Nigel,

I am so sorry that you have had a difficult night and that I am the cause of it. It really does break my heart to think how much you are suffering. When I made the statement I did, which I agree with you was gut-wrenching, I made it with a full reflection on all of the years we have been together. In all that time, I did have a "preserving at all costs" mentality. Unfortunately, for me that meant squelching my perspectives and denying my needs. In fact this e-mail is probably a great example of the dynamic at work.

You would do or not do something. I would think about talking with you about it. I would more often than not choose not to address it because I was not sure how you would react. You might become seriously angry and lash out at me. You might become emotionally devastated and not be able to get out of bed for days. I am not sure if you realize this, but you can be a formidable presence -- even in your silence.

You mentioned feeling like a failure. I feel that way too. I feel like I should have been better at standing up to you, at expressing my feelings, at demanding a real response from you, but I wasn't and the question for me now is can I be in this new phase of our relationship?

When I wrote that I was not willing to go back to the relationship the way it was before, this is part of what I meant. I can't be silent anymore and if it means your lashing out or being hurt, then I guess it does, but know this also. I cannot continue to willingly put myself in that kind of situation. I cannot look at you unable to get out of bed because of something I've said and feel whole. That kind of situation is too damaging for my own psyche. There are people who could do that -- who could look at you in that situation and say "well, that's his problem." I am not one of them. I think you of all people know that.

I've come a long way in developing a thicker skin, but my heart is still vulnerable. In the work world, I am now managing much better with allowing people to own their feelings and not take on the responsibility of their stuff. The question now is can I do that at home? Do I even want to? I feel that to become the kind of person who is not affected by another person's pain would move me too far from the person that I believe God has created me to be. To become that person would mean that I am no longer me. This is what I meant by preserving at any cost. Does being with you mean that I have to kill off who I am?

Home is a place that I want to come to to be at peace and at comfort with who I am. When I spoke to you about being under siege, it was about my not understanding why I had to justify some of my most basic decisions.

Nigel, you are a loving person, and I know that I do love you, but there are other aspects at work as well. This is very difficult. I just keep thinking that I want you to be well and I want me to be well. That and I am really tired.

I will talk with you later tonight. Love. cmh

P.S. Your e-mail was very well written because it expressed your heart. That's all that matters.

getting real-er

Here is my response to Nigel. It's a long one so read at your leisure. A wrap-up to provide context and perhaps Nigel's reaction tomorrow.

August 13, 2008


Dearest Nigel,

I write this letter at the beginning of another day with a heavy heart. I think it was obvious by my reaction in the phone call last night that your letter affected me to say the least – not only because of the feelings you expressed but because it has forced me to finally confront the thoughts and emotions that have been swirling on the edges of my own consciousness. It seems that I have not allowed them to fully form and motivate conscious action (though they appear to have been working on the subconscious level). Why you may be asking? I think it is because I am afraid of the emotion they will evoke in both of us. There is even admittedly some fear of what my expressed feelings will motivate you to do – concerns about knee-jerk retaliation or other harmful acts do come to mind as possibilities (and I believe you understand why they would). Yet, as you have heard me say before, fear is not a realm that I will purposely choose to dwell in, and so, I begin to put my thoughts on paper. Unfortunately, words are so limiting and can have so many meanings that I fear that my true feelings will not come across or will be misconstrued. Still, you expressed some serious and heartfelt perspectives that deserve a response. My hope is, however imperfect, this letter will at least be a start.

I feel that I should first revisit how we got to this place from my perspective. When Prudence made her initial overtures back in March, believe it or not, I went through quite a struggle of whether or not to even initiate an exploration of the matter. I knew that I was not happy in my life, particularly with my role at [my previous job] and just the overall work environment there. On the other hand, I knew that you had expressed that you believed changing jobs would be extremely difficult if not impossible. That fact coupled with your understandable concern for your mother and your overall reluctance to leave the Midwest made me, at first, feel that, as promising as a new opportunity with Prudence would be, it did not seem that it was in the cards as they say. It was not until I had a conversation with an old friend (not Joe by the way) that I realized that the reality was that you and I were both unhappy with life and stuck in that state. It was with that new perspective that I approached you about pursuing discussions with Prudence.

I truly believe that my initial hope for this process was that it would be just the push to get us “unstuck.” I was very scared (and still have a little trepidation), but what kept me going was the single thought, “what if this were the exact action that needed to be taken to get us both to a place of happiness and fulfillment with life.” Now, it is my hope that these thoughts are not new to you because I expressed them repeatedly from the outset of the process. If they are new to you then I think that fact may say something in and of itself.

I am seeing now, particularly with your note, that my hopes may have been misguided. Though I believe, through the circumstances that have led to it and followed, the change is exactly what I needed to do, I see we have different perspectives of the desired outcomes for this change. I really want this to change to work. I want the job and my life experience here to be as successful as possible for as long as possible. I don’t think you feel the same. Truly, at the core we probably have different perspectives on our life together and LIFE (as you wrote) in general.

You wrote “we miss LIFE by being apart,” but I hope you will look back and see that, particularly in recent years, I, at least, had no LIFE in Midwest. I didn’t even have a life. I was not living but existing. After so many years of a combination of work and struggle in and outside of our household, my soul was crushed and my spirit was broken. I could elaborate on the work and struggle but if thoughts and specific examples don’t immediately spring to mind for you then rehashing them in a list here will have little use. I had gotten to a point of such brokenness that I truly questioned if I could ever be whole again, and the sad thing is this is not something that was done to me. I let it happen. Slowly but surely, bit by bit, I let go of those things that were essential aspects of who I am to such an extent that I didn’t even know they were gone. I should add that more than one person has told me they saw and painfully agonized over the change in me. “There is no life in you any more,” one person wrote me.

You also wrote in your letter “the problem boils down to the personal and the professional,” creating a dichotomy about my decision that does not exist for me. You have persistently chosen to craft this as my making a choice between the professional life and the personal life, but the reality that is becoming clearer and clearer to me is that I made this choice for the betterment of both my professional and personal life. And so now, in our separation and from your letter, I see what began as a hopeful journey for us may now actually be a hopeful journey for me. Please know this as well, my love for you causes me to cling still to the wish that it will be one for you as well.

There is one immediate result of the change that I should note and here is as good a place as any. In this space where I am now, I no longer feel like a person under siege. I no longer have to constantly justify my every thought and decision -- why am I going to bed at a certain time, why am I watching certain television programs, why don’t I want to go out to eat, and so on. I can just be. It is a good feeling. One that I was accustomed to with any place I called home, but was not present in our home at the time I left.

The truth is I think I looked to you for a love that would support and sustain me through the best and most difficult of times and to give a love that would do the same for you in return. Perhaps this was unfair given the imperfect vessels we both are. We are two people that have struggled mightily with loving ourselves and as much as I have endured a battle in that area, you, my first and dearest love, and are in the midst of full blown warfare on a global scale. Actually, that is not quite accurate. Though a war has been waging over love of self, you have shifted to being a passive rather than active participant in that war. You have, in effect, from my perspective, begun drafting terms of surrender for your soul.

I just reflected on my desire for receiving and giving love in this relationship. I believe you too looked for receiving the same kind of love, but not necessarily to give that kind of love in return. I am now at a place that I can express that this too was unfair. We have not been co-laborers in this relationship, my love – co-dependent, perhaps, but not two people who have truly shared equally in all of the aspects of sustaining a life together.

Perhaps that kind of loving relationship with another person, one that nurtures and supports and even heals, does exist, but again, sadly, my experience is beginning to cause me to seriously doubt it. If that love should ever emerge in my life then I will consider myself doubly blessed. To be completely candid, I would still love for it to emerge from you. For now, it is time for me (and I submit for you) to continue with recognizing that Love dwells richly and deeply around us and that we should look to that for our sustenance.

I want to specifically address the feelings you expressed about Winston because I think the situation is a microcosm of the dynamic (yes, my favorite word) of our relationship. But first, let me apologize if my reactions have seemed to trivialize your feelings for Winston. I know you love and miss him and your having to be apart from him actually does pain me to. Believe it or not, as much as I love Winston and would have missed him dearly, I agonized over whether it was the right thing to do to take him away from the only home he has known. You acknowledge that I am “the better parent,” but I’m not sure what that means to you? Does it mean that you recognize that taking care of Winston -- walking him, feeding him, spending time with him, seeing to his health and grooming -- are not just things you do when you feel like it or when you feel up to it? I have taken care of Winston when I have had the flu, when my back has been out; seen to his grooming; taken him to the kennel when I’ve gone out of town because you didn’t feel you wanted to take care of him in that time; rushed him to the vet when he was sick and you know there are numerous other examples. I’m not sure if you realize, but not once in the five years that we’ve had him, did you say, “Clarus, you sleep in today or you go ahead and go get some rest tonight, I’ll take Winston out”? To the extent that you did relieve me of some of the responsibility, it was with my begging entreaties or stony insistence or both (by the way that is the explanation of why I threw the collar down that one night and kicked down the dog gate. All of that frustration came bursting out in one tremendous fit of rage).

The sad reality is you’ve had five years to demonstrate that you would provide the kind of selfless care that I believe a pet should receive and certainly the kind that I would want any pet that I love to have. You chose not to, and on my part it is a choice I enabled. I did not bring Winston here with me as much because I felt I needed him with me, but because it was the only way he would continue to receive the kind of care I believe he deserves.

Now expand that image to us and I think you begin to see what, from my perspective, has led us to this point. None of this has developed over night. It has resulted from daily choices over seven years.

What all we have both written means for us I truly have no idea. Today, August 13, 2008, this is all I know for sure. I want to be as happy and fulfilled in life as I can be. How that happens I don’t fully know. Recent experience may have put some dents and doubts in my belief that that kind of life is possible, but I have not abandoned all hope. However, I do know that the life I have just come from in Midwest did not allow for the fulfillment that I seek. I cannot go back to that life as it was. I cannot dwell in fear and under the belief that life is all toil and turmoil and then you die any more. I cannot live in a household where I feel under attack and that the responsibility for the care of that home (and for that matter the relationship itself) does not rest equally on the shoulders of both people who dwell within it. I just can’t.

My one suggestion is this. Let us use this time apart to continue to clarify what each of us wants from life and each other. Let us then come together to see if what we each desire is mutually reinforcing, can be achieved better together than apart and the way that we can move forward in building a new life.

I wish I could say that my motivations are grounded in preserving the relationship at all costs. It is not. I love you and have been bonded to you more tightly than any other human being that I’ve known on Earth save maybe my mother. In her case please remember that entering into a familial relationship is by order of nature. Entering into and remaining in our relationship was and is by choice. I love you, but I cannot continue to love you in spite of caring for myself. Our relationship has to be a place where we both feel cared for and loved beyond measure.

This is where I am.

With hopes that all will (eventually) be well,

clarus

getting real

I received this e-mail letter from Nigel the other day. It was not pleasant. I have resisted exploring the darker sides of our relationship in my blogs because, well, one, who likes walking around in the dark, and two, there are people who actually know us that read this blog (not many but a few) and with that few only one knows the whole story of our relationship (in fact, it's only right that he should as he's the one responsible for us meeting in the first place).

I've always wondered if my reluctance to share these things were my attempt to paint this picture of a perfect relationship, which is so antithetical to my desire to be as authentic as possible. I realize now that I've held back because to share fully might actually put me in a place that would compel me to act, so let this posting of his letter be a sign of my not holding back but my desire to move fully forward. I will post my letter of response tomorrow, after which I am sure there will be many posts of exploration and reflection. Here it is in its entirety (with pseudonyms replacing our real names -- authentic but to a point):

Dear clarus,

I hope you had a nice evening, and a nice sleep. I just got back from the Small Town House which, despite being in a small town, is actually quite good and could compete with many restaurants in [the city we live in].

As you know, the last few days have been extremely difficult in terms of "adjustment" (whatever that term means). I do not think there will ever be "adjustment" in the sense of accepting this situation. I am trying to accept this predicament, and appreciate its "positive" aspects, whatever they may be. I guess from your perspective this "positive" is your love of the new work, and I hope this continues. However, I cannot fully understand this, as, for me, the most important aspect of a relationship is the time spent together, and we will spend precious little of this in the months ahead.

Although I will have my work, and I am sure this will be a temporary solution to the problem of being alone, I do not think it can be long-lasting. Every night will be the feeling that in going home I will entering a situation where there is no "special someone" to be at ease with or to just "be" with. There will be a vacuum, and nothing can satisfy the resulting emptiness.

Nor do I think 3 week intervals will be enough to make up for the lost time. Three weeks is too long. Much can change in three weeks, including the physical appearance of one's "significant" other. My mother's appearance has changed much since the last time i saw her, and it is amazing to see the loss of muscle in her arms. And this has happened in a period of just a few weeks!!!

We miss LIFE by being apart, and I hope you can grasp this before it is too late. [The Northeast] and [the Midwest] are not exactly roommates.

I do not know what to do to "carry on in one's best way". There is no magic bullet, and any pretense that there is woulde be pure folly.

I can see nothing but a gradual drifting apart, as you yourself intimated just a few hours ago. This would be regretable.

The problem boils down to the personal and the professional. I suppose one could select one over the other with a reasonable degree of success. But if this to be the case, I would appreciate knowing which one of the two options you would like to choose. I am at a crossrorads, and many options present themselves to me at the present time. I would like to know my standing in this regard.

I also do not find it acceptable that Winston will never enter my life as a significant presence. Although this is easy to "pooh pooh," it is important to me. Winston has been with me for over five years, and to have him suddenly and permanently ripped from me is painful. I agree that you are the better parent. However, you must grant me that I have feelings for little Winnie and that these will not go away in a rapid manner. That is, if they will go away at all. Some way must be found for me to have some time with Winston. If not, this will be fertile ground for fighting, and even more upsetting, lasting resentment.

Ways must also be found forthwith to establish a connection via the internet and webcams. Talking on the phone is fine, but it does not meet the test of personal interaction. It is most important that we be able to view each others personal body movements and facial expressions. These are the keys to the human soul.

As this additional week of separation begins, I find myself still uncomfortable, still confused, and wondering what I did to cause this immense separation.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Nigel Erasmus Nottingham

i miss my pasta bowls

Y'know (or perhaps you don't) one of the difficult parts of being half of a split household is that you're continually running across things that you need and actually own; however, the only problem is they're not where you are. So tonight, for example, I decide to make one of those great Bertoli pasta meals in a bag for dinner (if you aren't aware of these then you need to be. Open bag, dump contents in skillet, a delicious meal in 10 minutes. It takes me longer than that to decide which of these delish dishes I'm going to buy at the grocery store than to cook one).

So after the requisite 10 minutes, I reach in the cupboard for something to put my Chicken Alla Vodka & Farfalle on and there in front of me are the only bowls I have from the new dishware set I bought at Target last week. So of course, I'm immediately struck with the thought, "oh I wish I had my pasta bowls; unfortunately, they're over 1,000 miles away."

The more difficult realization is that Nigel, who has custody, wouldn't know a pasta bowl from a colander (in fact he probably thinks the latter is the former). Still, as the person who is basically responsible for creating the split household, I felt an obligation to leave most of our shared home as intact as possible. So no pasta bowls. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them?

choosing to hope

I picked up my dry cleaning on the way home from work today. What makes this event noteworthy to me (enough for me to term it an "event") but may escape others is that I was so happy to be performing what is normally considered a mundane chore. Let me explain.

Today marks the first time I have picked up clothes from a dry cleaner in a few years. Now the sad part is I've worn these clothes, but I just haven't had them cleaned (well ,that's not entirely true. I have cleaned the shirts, but the blazer and suit have not been to the cleaners probably since the end of the Bartlett Presidency on The West Wing). Let me also add, it's not quite as gross as it sounds. I've only worn these items maybe half a dozen times in that period (so it's still gross, but not quite BBC America How Clean in My House gross).

The reason for my unhygienic behavior? I think it was simply I just didn't care enough about myself to bother. It's the same explanation for why I had not worn these items much even though for the majority of my career, I'd always worn a uniform of suit (or jacket and nice pants) and tie. However, in my last job, such attire was not really necessary except on some rare occasions. Plus, the environment (both physical and cultural) was such that my motivation to look like a professional had eroded to a point that it was thinner than Lindsay Lohan. I reserved the urge to "dress the part" for really special occasions, which, within the hellish experience I call my previous job, became harder and harder to identify. So the reason for my happiness today is that I discovered that I was now in a place (both physical and emotional) that I actually did care enough about myself to attend to me.

Does that mean I am now in some type of career nirvana? Not really, but I do find myself confronting an interesting pattern of behavior. My current situation is starting off in a very promising manner, but I also am dealing with thoughts of, "well, that's how they always start and then they go to sh*t." It appears that past experience has trained me to fear the worst, but experience has also taught me that fear is not where I need to be dwelling. So, I choose to hope -- that life will work out, that I can be fulfilled by my work, that I can know and express love fully, that at the end of my days I will close my eyes at peace with my God and the life I've lived knowing that I have done all I can do to fulfill my purpose on this planet.

Emily Dickinson wrote, as an explanation of her choice of poetry as her means of expression vs. prose,"I dwell in possibility." To which I simply add, make room for me Emily, make room.

movement and space

So as I wrote in the first entry, I have relocated -- new never-before-lived-in region of the country, new job, new living arrangement. For the first time in seven years, I am on my own (except for Winston, my dog, of course). My relationship with Nigel is still intact, but we are both struggling with what this new situation means. Actually, Nigel is struggling with the new situation. In all honesty, I am struggling (or perhaps agonizing would be a better word) with the fact that he is struggling. You see, though it's all admittedly in the early stages, I would rank my decision to take the job (offered by a former boss who herself is new to her job) as one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

I was pulling into the garage of the house I'm renting and immediately had a flashback to another moment when I was driving. That moment happened almost exactly eleven years ago as I was preparing to leave North Carolina to head to the job that would take me to the Midwest. I was on my way to visit my dearest couple friend at the time Mark and Allison (not their real names, of course), driving up one of those wonderfully scenic two lane state highways to the small town where they lived. As I passed by open fields, I started musing about the new life ahead and began imagining all of the possibilities that existed for filling that life. I was going to a place where no one knew me. I could actually live a life free of the expectations that had over time so constrained my life or rather that I had allowed to constrain my life.

Then the thought came to me. Is this the reason why this opportunity had been brought to me (or I to it)? Is it possible, particularly for people like me, who spend more time trying to discern and fulfill other people's expectations rather than our own, that God had to move us from place to place; that when we are in one place for too long we allow ourselves to conform to and be hemmed in by the image in the mirror of who we are that is reflected back to us by other people -- the dutiful son, the conservative churchgoer, the polite co-worker, and so on? We allow this to happen when in reality there is so much more to who we are and so much more to who we are to become, but we can't see it. We can't see beyond the other mirror or maybe we don't attempt to because it's so much easier to say you, other, tell me who I am and I will be that rather than asserting my true self that proceeds from the core of the soul that God has created and formed this flesh around. So much easier, but so very empty.

I do believe that some people can remain in the same place for all of their lives and be as true to the person God created them to be as anyone could hope. They draw strength and encouragement from the familiarity of their home, their family and friends, the very ground beneath them that they have trod for so many years. I also believe that I am not one of those people. For me, with movement comes the space to move out of the shape I've conformed into, the space to bring myself back to myself.

And that is what happened with that move. I moved and within two years, I finally accepted my identity as a gay man after 34 years of wrestling with that angel. I moved to a more authentic state of being, but I see now I also, through other life experiences, lost sight of other aspects of self that God created in me and has called me to honor.

And thus another move. Some new space. A new opportunity to grow and, in doing so, yet again, come home to myself.

new chapter of life, new blog

It seemed appropriate that with so much new in my life, my re-entry into the blogosphere was best done with a new blog. So, what's new? Well, on this side of the screen, I've got a new job, in a new town (in a completely different part of the country), with a new living arrangement (renting a home here while my partner Nigel remains back in the midwest), and a new (emerging) perspective on life. All of that and more will be explored in the days to come.

A quick word about the title. Naming this blog was a hard thing to do. I tried all kinds of words and phrases and nothing seemed right. Then I thought about a lyric from James Taylor (one of my all-time favorite singer songwriters):

Singing oh, it's enough to be on your way, it's enough just to cover ground, it's enough to be moving on. Home, build it behind your eyes, carry it in your heart, safe among your own.

With all the change in my life and the strange combination of a feeling of disorientation yet finding my way back to myself that I'm experiencing, this thought seemed an appropriate title (and an encouraging reminder).

As I said, more to come, but for now, I'm off to watch the Olympics.

P.S. Winston is here with me.

P.P.S. If you want to learn more about me, go here http://thefabulousandthefurious.blogspot.com/