an elegy to a relationship, part one

It's been a good and difficult period of life all at the same time. The next two posts are about the difficult part. Not using many words of my own. For this experience I resort again to my emotional outlet of music, and with that, one of my favorite groups as the messenger. Heard these two songs, which interestingly enough, are back to back on the latest Evanescence album. With each one I felt, "yes, that's what is going on in my heart," and I knew I had to post them here. Click on the title of the song to get to the music, but I've provided the lyrics here as well .

"The Change" - Evanescence



Thought that I was strong

I know the words I need to say

Frozen in my place

I let the moment slip away



I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough



Never meant to lie

But I'm not the girl you think you know

The more that I am with you

The more that I am all alone



I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough



Not that I'm so different

Not that I don't see

The dying light of what we used to be

But how could I forgive you?

You've changed!

And I'm a liar by your side

I'm about to lose my mind



'Cause I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



You've been dreaming

If you're thinking

That I still belong to you

And I've been dying,

Because I'm lying to myself!

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough

an elegy to a relationship, part two

Continuing to let the music speak for me today about a pain that still burns in my heart.

[Click on Title to Hear Song]

"My Heart Is Broken"


I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.


I pulled away to face the pain.

I close my eyes and drift away.

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul.

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from you.



My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

(Over my heart).



I can't go on living this way

But I can't go back the way I came

Chained to this fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Half alive without you



My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us



Change - open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long

Say goodbye, goodbye



My heart is broken

Release me, I can't hold on

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

my heart's desire

over the past few days, i've had a couple of experiences that have reminded me of a need that resides deep in my heart. there are times that i become fully aware of it and there are times when it remains in my subconscious, but never, ever is it not at work in some form or fashion. i know the need is not unique to me, and i suspect that it is a primal need that exists in all of us. i always define this need as the need "to know and to be fully known." it is this great desire to understand people fully and to be understood fully. i have yet to experience either and recognize that this lack is part of the human condition.

to that last point, i'm reminded of one of the greatest pieces of wisdom that i've ever received. it came in a lunch time conversation with a priest friend back in st. louis. it's funny; i don't remember the particular situation i was discussing with him save that it had to do with my having a difficult time figuring out what was happening in some relationship i was involved in at the time. though i can't remember what i was discussing, his response remains with me to this day. The reason, my priest friend shared, that i was having difficulty with understanding the individual under discussion is that we are all made in the image of god and, on this side of heaven at least, god is mystery to us -- a being/force that we can't fully know or understand. thus, it is with other human beings.

with that bit of insight, i recognize that the need that i carry is likely not possible to be achieved in the land of the living. still, it would be nice to have that special person in my daily life for whom to know me as deeply as possible and likewise for me to know him are among our primary goals. it would be very nice.

so this is christmas?

i originally started this as an email to a friend but rather than burden that person directly, i just decided to post the sentiments here. I'm assuming he will likely find this eventually anyway. Plus, i'm due for a blog entry. 

so it's Christmas Eve morning and as i check my email the gem below is waiting for me. I'm really not sure how to react. i guess i should make like fred and accept the sentiments with the spirit in which they were meant, but it's difficult. how do I feel good about well wishes and encouragements for a happy life when it's the aftermath of my relationship with michael that has me questioning whether or not I will find a loving relationship again -- whether i can have the fulfilled life i desire?  the person he describes that i was seems so far removed from who i am today that it's not even like that person is dead; it's like the events took place in a book or movie -- events i remember but as if they happened to someone else. sigh.  

Subject: Merry Christmas to clarus!!!

Dear clarus,

Merry Christmas!  I hope this year you enjoy the spirit of the holidays, the joyous excitement of this time of the year, and a recognition of your blessings.  May this Christmas fill you with excitement over your new career move, the newness of your new townhouse, and the opportunity to make this your own space with your own furniture and new belongings.  I truly wish you well in everything that you do, in every endeavor you embark upon, and in anything that brings you happiness.

The last several Christmases have been trying times for both of us, but speaking only of you I hope that you regain that boyish excitement about Christmas that you once displayed here in Saint Louis.  May you regain that boyish quality as every Christmas comes and goes!  

I must share with you one Christmas memory from maybe 2003 or 2004 that I shall never forget.  I remember coming down the stairs and seeing the living room beautifully decorated, you with a big smile, and little Nicholas in front of his new travel crate.  Oh my, that picture is vivid in my memory.

I further want to say how grateful I am that you have been in my life, in different roles, and the kindness, and at one time love that you bestowed upon me.  Your high ideals, character, and honor are reflected in the way you have treated me through your unprecedented financial support, both through monthly contributions, and more recently your help with repairs to the house.  Very few men would have done what you have done, and in this I know that I made the right choice in 2001 when I decided that you were "the one."  In many ways you remain my soul-mate, although the conditions have changed, please remember that reserved in my heart is a special, special, and dear place for you that, truthfully, no one will be able to occupy.

Please know that, and pardon my language, how sorry, very sorry I am that I fucked things up.  That is all past, but I want you to know my acknowledgment of what I did, how ashamed I am, and full of remorse over how things turned out.  I shall as for the rest of my life feel shameful about what happened.  Yet turn the page we must, and please know that in this new chapter I stand willing to help you, should you need it, in whatever area, financial, friendship, or emotional.  I will always be there for you, even though our relationship has evolved into a very, very special friendship.

So go forth my dear clarus and build a new life for yourself, seek happiness for you truly, truly deserve it.  Enjoy life, and at this Christmas, 2011, I wish you all the best.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Blessings, and of course, Hugs,

Michael

PS:  Tillie sends a lick :)

bah humbug! i need a nap (and i just woke up). someone wake me when it's 2012.

reconciling a life of faith

i sometimes have difficulty reconciling what is supposed to be good for me with the feelings i'm actually having.

i wrote that sentence in an online chat i was having last night, and from the moment it appeared on the screen, i knew it would be the topic of a blog entry. the particular moment in the discussion involved reflecting on the break-up of my relationship with michael -- the break-up being the "what is supposed to be good for me" and the "feelings i'm actually having" being the sense of pain, loss, missing and still loving him. what's funny though is that the same perspective could be applied to what had been the bulk of the majority of the conversation prior to that moment -- my reengagement in some form of church participation.

now i've always had a somewhat tenuous relationship with organized religion.  i have a great love for my faith, but have an almost equally as great difficulty with how it is practiced and ritualized by various faith traditions. this is particularly true of my years as an evangelical christian (for a more in depth exploration of my faith journey please go here Subjectively Disordered: A Faith Journey in Neutral -- note, you'll likely need to go toward the bottom of the page to find the first entry and work your way up from there). i thought i found my home in the christian family when i became a catholic, but there too i encountered the challenges presented by a holy enterprise enacted by human beings. it's been some five years or so since i last attended mass and for most of that time, if i were being honest (which i try my best to be in this space), i haven't really missed it. of late though that perspective has been shifting.

i attribute much of the shift to my current place of work. in the explorations of the mission and heritage of the work, that is a natural part of my day-to-day activities, i have found myself reawakening to much of the beauty that exists in catholicism and why i was drawn to becoming catholic in the first place. as a result, i have certainly been pondering trying to find a parish and become immersed again in the life of the church. i've also considered involvement in similar and (likely) more progressive faith expressions like the episcopal church. then i have conversations like i had with my friend last evening, who while encouraging me to find a church, was also dredging up all kinds of issues that really brought about my decision to separate in the first place. by the end of that particular chat, i was left with again struggling to reconcile what i suspect to be good for me (participation in parish life) and the feelings i was actually having (anger, frustration, and deep disappointment).

at the heart of it all, i know it does come down to my trying to figure out how to deal with what has become one of the great debates across the christian faith (and indeed even more broadly among other faith traditions) and that is the place of gays and lesbians in the community of faith. it is difficult to watch the debate going on and even more troublesome to see the misconceptions, misperceptions and outright lies that are propagated about who we are and how we desire to live our lives. add to that the attempts of some church authorities to use us as scapegoats for the problems generated by their own dysfunction and abuse of power and you really have a problematic (at the very least) situation to wade through. how do you engage in a community where so many don't want you, view you as dangerous, and use you as a means to distract from the real issues at hand (then again is this not the dilemma that the lgbt population has encountered for centuries in society as a whole)?  

deeper still, i think it comes down to having to find the ability first to enact what are the two seminal, foundational concepts in christian life -- mercy (not giving people what they do deserve as a result of their behaviors and actions) and grace (giving people what they don't deserve given their behaviors and actions). then it's about reenvisioning the positive place that participation in organized religion can have in one's life. clearly, i have a bit more thinking to do, and truly, what would it hurt to walk through the doors of a parish one sunday, take a look around, and see if a new vantage point on the landscape is emerging?

an un-merry christmas season

so christmas time is here. as we all know, christmas can be a time of great joy, excitement, and fun. it can also be a time of sadness and depression, particularly for those of us whose family lives don't resemble a hallmark television commercial. while i would say that i'm not in a depressed state of mind, i do approach this particular holiday season with a sense of melancholy.

as i've walked through the various public spaces festooned with holiday decorations, i've pondered that, unlike many a season before this, i am not really in the christmas spirit. i've had moments, but certainly not the driving energy that christmas has supplied before. maybe it's because of the recent relocation and living in a house still filled with a lot of boxes and not much furniture (a house i might add that, due to a recent spate of business travel, i've spent almost as much time out of as i have within). maybe it's that the boxes and boxes of christmas decorations that i've amassed over the years are still buried in the basement of the st. louis house and won't see the light of day until at least another christmas comes along. maybe it's that unlike last year, when i visited both my mother and my-ex for a week each, i will be spending this holiday alone -- couple that with the fact that i'm not feeling particularly motivated to visit the former (after all it was last christmas that my mother reminded me she would rather me be alone for the rest of my life than to have a same-gendered partner) and have broken up with the latter. none of this seems like the right ingredients for a particularly festive mood (try making a commercial of all that hallmark).

i was having an online chat with a friend yesterday who seemed unusually curious about my relationship with my extended family. i find such conversations to be somewhat difficult. i am not particularly close to my blood relations, and in a culture that so highly prizes "the family," admitting such seems akin to flag burning. but admit it i did and was admonished for my dereliction -- perhaps deservedly so, but it did little to improve my mood.  i've felt really odd all my life -- never quite in step with the world around me. such conversations tend to reinforce that feeling.

a strange irony is that i am writing this entry a mere two hours before i go to our office christmas luncheon. i'm even wearing my boyd's bear "have a holly jolly christmas" pin to at least appear to be in synch with the office merriment. i'm sure it will be a lovely affair, even if my heart isn't quite in it.

still, i'm recognizing that there are 19 shopping days left until the fateful day and that provides some time to get a bit of the holiday magic. after all, it wouldn't be christmas without a bit of optimism.

i miss

it's been a little while since i've had the opportunity to put fingers to keyboard and type in this, my little corner of the internet. i would say that i've been too busy with getting adjusted to the new job and my new place to write, and while partially true, i think the real reason i haven't written is that i haven't been in much of a reflective mode. there's been so much "doing" that sitting back and thinking about what i'm experiencing has been pretty much of an "on the fly" experience. this has its good points and bad points.

i suppose the good is that it stops me from over thinking things and working myself into either a frenzy or a pit of despair. on the other hand, i also am not allowing myself to capture what i'm experiencing for future reference as a reminder that i trod this path before. but in the last few days, i've had some of those moments of deeper reflection and so now i'm ready to capture where i am now (even though it feels like it's not much further along than i've expressed in so many previous entries). so how are things going?

at first blush, i would say good. i enjoy my new job and i enjoy my new community. after even just six weeks, i feel confident in stating that the move was a good choice. still, while life may be good, i'm still experiencing somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. the highs and lows may not be as disparate as prior to the move (actually, come to think of it, there were no highs in the previous six months or so, just deeper lows), but there are still moments when i feel a profound drag on my heart.

primarily (and perversely) those moments are actually tied to the highs. every time i think about how i'm enjoying any aspect of this new phase of life, i think about how it would be nice to have someone with whom to share all that i'm experiencing. i wish this could be a "we" instead of an "i." that's the curse of having been in an almost 10 year relationship. you're haunted by the small, shared intimacies that brought such a richness to life -- going to your favorite restaurant, watching an old movie, shopping for antiques, spooning early in the morning, or just having someone to say "guess what happened to me" to at the end of the day.

i wish i could place the loss of these moments in the larger context of the relationship that i've just left, but right now i just can't seem to summon that sense of perspective. i miss having someone to love and be loved by in my life and that's all there is to that.

awakenings

this was a full week. much of my time at work involved participating in a leadership orientation process that was truly a profound experience. at the conclusion of the three days, i found myself commenting that the experience felt as if long dormant parts of myself were coming back to life. it was as if doors to various places in my heart that had been closed off were opening and new light and a fresh breeze was blowing through clearing out the dust and cobwebs that had accumulated. it was a good feeling. one that left me even more excited about my new job opportunity and even more committed to giving my best to the work.

today i had an awakening of a different sort. i had to speak with michael about some financial matters related to our home. it was a nice enough conversation if somewhat awkward on my part. at the conclusion, i felt a distinct sadness. it was as if the call was a reminder that for all the positive that has been taking place in my life of late there are still loose ends and some significant missing pieces. 

now i'm dealing with a mixture of sadness and well "ok-ness" -- a kind of light melancholy lingers. not sure when and how that will change. i do have to say though that it is nice for it to be a sunday and i'm actually looking forward to going into work in the morning. that's definitely a positive movement in my life.

homeless no more

since leaving massachusetts the joke between a particular friend and me is that i've been homeless, and though i am in temporary housing, that inside joke is actually not far from the truth. there is a difference between having a place to live and having a home. this observation came to have greater resonance over this weekend as i undertook the house search process and finally settled on a place to live. as i signed the lease and was handed the keys, i was filled with the sense of having a place here. i was no longer just a newcomer but a resident, and for the first time in a long time, i was ready to nest.

i now have all of this energy and enthusiasm for transforming this new residence from simply a house to a home. i've been poring through catalogs from ikea, crate and barrel, pottery barn, and restoration hardware to get ideas for how to furnish and decorate each room. i'm making a list of all the tasks that need to be completed prior to the formal move-in in a couple of weeks. i'm determined to make this the kind of place i've always wanted to live in. Even though it's a rental, I still think it's time to make myself a home of which i can be proud.

it feels good to be excited about something again. it's been quite a few years since i last felt this way about the place i lived (even in st. louis, my sense of engagement in my home surroundings died out in about 2005). with that being said, i need to remember to do an occasional posting on my progress. i can't wait to see how it all turns out.

i think i've been here before

it's the end of week two on the new job. i'm closing down the day and getting ready to head first to see a potential new domicile for me. after that, my boss has invited me over to visit with her and some of her family and friends, which will be a nice social activity. i'm also reflecting on the events of the past week, and while i am still over the moon to be here, it does seem like i'm trodding on some familiar territory. in this instance, i'm referring to some elements of the work environment. i'm not sure if it's the profession or the industry or a combination of the two, but everywhere i've worked, there seems to be some struggle with providing good service in an effective and efficient manner.

over the past weeks, i've encountered various glitches and out and out problems with the quality of service rendered by our area to the organization. now, part of my role will be to assist my boss with figuring out how we can improve in how we function (and as i've stated in a previous entry, it just demonstrates the need for my role that such issues exist). the issues actually are occurring in an area that does not report directly to me, but certainly, by virtue of my role, i will have some degree of influence on how that area operates.

the biggest challenge for me is being patient with people. i seem to quickly go to, "if the people were able to perform at the level they need to be then these problems wouldn't be happening." now, i realize that many things can impact performance, and the competency level of the individuals involved is only one of those factors. that fact still doesn't prevent me from going pretty quickly to questioning if changes in personnel might be in order if the situation is going to get better.

i'm reading this great book titled, "change your questions, change your life" by marilee adams, phd, that stresses the importance of moving from "judger" mode to "learner" mode. the key to doing this is to change the questions we ask. the goal is to move to the perspective of inquiry rather than judgement. by doing so, we are more like to come up with the right solutions that will have a positive impact on the situation in question. we all experience judger, but we don't have to stay there. i've a feeling that i'm going to get plenty of opportunities to practice how to make that transition from one mode to the other in the weeks and months ahead.

well, as the saying goes, "if we don't grow, we die," and i have a whole lot more living i want to do. let's hope i do it in the right frame of mind.

the "joy" of relocating

so it's the end of day eight at the new job and two weeks in the area and with that i find myself recognizing why many people choose to stay put rather than galivant from place to place as seems to have been my habit. as i type this, i have the specs for about 10-12 condo/townhomes/apartments to go through -- some sent by a local realtor and the rest unearthed by your's truly doing a quick internet search.  i have a new role, colleagues, and work environment with which to become acclimated.  i have various financial matters to close out from whence i came and new ones to initiate at this current destination. and, as trivial as it may seem, i am also in sore need of a haircut and so need to find someplace to have that done (along with so many other basic services for which i need to establish a place to have them carried out).

my life is filled with choices and decisions that need to be made and all of them seem to be imperative. one thing i am learning is that three years (the duration of my last relocation) is about the right amount of time  for forgetting what a hassle all of this is because the way i feel at this particular moment, i can't imagine having to go through all of this again for at least a decade. and faced with the prospect of leaving any sooner, i would have to think long and hard about it. then again, this is how i see it now. come back and see me again in three years and it may be a whole different story (but i truly hope that it won't be, moreso in terms of the need to relocate as opposed to the desire to do so).

lest i sound as if i'm ungrateful, i should make this one note. i walked into work today still wondering when i was going to wake up from this dream. i had a similar experience sitting in a meeting with my boss later in the day. to be happy again with where i work, with whom i work and (even with all of the decisions to be made) where i live is a moment in time i do not take lightly. my one hope and prayer is that such a feeling will not only last for a good long while but that my life here will be the most fulfilling time that i have known (fulfilling and settled). 

initial observations

so a whole week has passed since i began the new job and i thought it would be interesting to jot down a few of my initial observations on what i've seen and experienced in that time.

first off, i'm on a whole new playing field. being a part of such a large organization (over 50,000 employees, operations in almost 20 states, revenues in excess of $9 billion) means that my whole frame of reference needs to change. when decisions need to made or actions need to be taken there are more people, in more places, with a variety of ways of operating that need to be taken into account. the funny thing is just in the building i work in, the population is more than 20 fold of the previous office building in which my department was housed. just like the rockies you can see from my boss's window, the sheer magnitude of the place can be somewhat breathtaking.

the next observation is i'm working from a surer foundation. this organization is not perfect (no enterprise that involves people ever will be) but there is at least an orientation and intention to try to do things as well and right as possible. my previous place of employment was the result of a merger just as my current employer was. one was a case study in how to go about the process in the right way. one was a prime example of how not to do it. and each organization is reaping the benefits or suffering the consequences, as the case may be, of that initial foundational work. coupling this with the fact that i'm working for a boss who i know and trust implicitly, let me just say that i feel far more secure now than i did from whence i came.

another observation is people are people wherever you go, but in some cases, location can make a difference. even in just one week here i see some of the relational dynamics are the same. people can be territorial. there is concern about how change will impact them personally. there exist opportunities for misunderstandings do to miscommunication (or even intentional messaging). still, with that there is something about the spirit of this place that is different. i know there are a variety of factors that have contributed to the development of this work culture -- the foundational roots of the predecessor organizations in a service/ministerial orientation being chief among them. i can't help but wonder if the physical location isn't a part of it. there is just something about this physical location that just emanates serenity. it's like no other place i've ever lived. i just literally step or look outside and i just get this sense of calm. maybe that will change. i sure hope not.

still another observation is i am not alone. the last time i worked in this particular sector, there were not many visible members of the lgbt community evident. in taking this job, i wondered what the situation would be like some 15 or so years later. how would the organization respond to me as an openly and proudly gay man? well, over the course of the last week, i've learned that times have changed, and there are at least a few others at my peer level who are family (and at least a few more throughout the ranks). now a few may sound like a pittance, but believe me, it's more than i would have ever expected and i'm delighted to discover that this is the case.   

finally, my last observation, for now, is that i'm really one fortunate son of a gun. there are so many times in my past that i wondered where i was going and what was happening in my life, particularly as it pertains to my career. i'm not sure that i imagined the road would lead here but, at least professionally, i am grateful that it did.

more to come in the days, weeks, months, and years (hopefully many) ahead.

day three

so i'm at the beginning of day three of the new job and it's one week since my arrival in the denver area. i felt that i should write something even though i don't think i have very much to say. i was chatting with a friend last night and stated i was in a very zen like place. it's strange that i am because there's a bunch of loose ends that really need to be tied up but somehow in the last 48 hours or so, i'm not really bothered by it all. i'm usually not too fond of loose ends.

my initial experience with my onboarding process is both concerning and comforting. concerning from the standpoint that if this process is any indicator of the level of service provided by our department then we definitely have some work to do. it's comforting because helping our department figure out how to operate in the most effective and efficient manner is a central part of my job, i.e., i can see that my role is definitely needed and i will have plenty on my plate to keep me busy (i am fond of being busy). the critical success factor that remains an unknown to me is how receptive and capable people will be to enact the changes that are necessary. we pretty much had neither (receptive or capable people) at our last place of employment so i'm hoping for a better situation here.

i'm confident though that slowly but surely the pieces will fall into place. right now, i'm going to do my best to focus on moving more proactively on the things that i can control, starting with reviewing my game plan for getting acclimated to the organization and figuring out my vision for how i'm going to approach my work in this space. much to do, much to do.

new place, old feelings

just thought i'd do a quick entry in the midst of my first day on the new job. so the day proceedeth well, except for the nagging frustration of being the new kid in school. you don't really know anyone and you don't know where anything is. you're not even really sure what exactly you're going to be doing. this is the part of starting a new job that is always the hardest for me. i like to be productive and feel useful. and that's just not possible at this stage of the game. i guess i'm just going to have to be patient.

and that's not going to be easy. over the past few days, i've experienced some pretty dramatic mood swings. i have been alternately at peace with how life is going and in complete despair at where i am in life. seems strange that two such disparate perspectives can be going back and forth in my brain, but they are. it might be a micro vs. macro issue. when i look at where i am today i'm pretty much ok, but somehow when it comes to thinking about the larger aspects of my life, I'm so not ok.

what am i not ok with? well, previous entries certainly make clear my desire for a significant love relationship. though my relationship with my mother is doing ok, the underlying fact that she does not accept who i am as a gay man will always mean that the relationship will be less than i'd like it to be. recent conversations make it clear that i am still struggling with the place of organized religion in my life as well as the fact that i don't feel like i have a home. i have been asked so many times in the last few weeks, as i've discussed this latest relocation, "where are you from?" truthfully, now that i've lived so many places, i really have no idea how best to answer that inquiry.

maybe it's this last point that is the summation of all the other areas of dissatisfaction. using the image of home as a guide, it's pretty clear that i have this strong desire to belong someplace (both personally and professionally) and to someone and neither is strongly evident in my life right now.

it's certainly a challenging time though it's not like it's the first time i've experienced these feelings. i just really want it to be close to the last.

dragging

so after last night's slight emotional breakdown, i have been spending today attempting to get settled in. the challenge though is that I've been really, really tired. i'm not sure if it's a combination of the busy schedule and the long car rides and now being at a higher altitude, but all i know is that i have been dragging big time.

i have managed to get partially unpacked and am determined to finish if not today then tomorrow morning. i went by the new job to pick up some mail (i had a check there that i wanted to use to set up my new bank account). my office is so nice and i've got a new laptop with docking station and not one but two huge monitors. i can tell that i am going to be ruined for going anywhere else. it sounds like there's already a bunch on my plate, so i'm really going to do my best to rest, rest, and rest over the final days of my vacation.

so as for last night's moment. well, what can i say? i'd like to say that it's the first time that something like that has happened, but the reality is that it's almost par for the course based on my previous relocation experience. and it won't be the last. why? strangely, i am a person who longs for the familiar, particularly when considering how many times i've allowed myself to move to areas that i have never lived in and in which i know few people to literally no one. the only exception to this acute feeling of isolation striking me upon first getting settled into a new location is my last move to massachusetts. not sure why it didn't happen there or why exactly it's revisited me this time, but i have my suspicions.

first, fatigue likely has played a role. when i get tired, i get more emotional and my mood can shift dramatically based at the slightest provocation. second, going through st. louis, seeing michael and my old house and realizing that my home there is now a thing of the past certainly has left me feeling a little lost. third, while my current accommodations are nice and comfortable, they are temporary and so my getting truly settled in is going to be delayed. lastly, last night i was hit with the feeling of having done this move thing so many  times and feeling like i'm no closer to the type of life that i want for myself than i was when i first left home. maybe i'm wrong but right now i'm struggling to see it any other way.

all that being written, i am feeling better today than i did when i wrote my last entry. i'm definitely in one step and day at a time territory. wish me luck.

i feel very alone

those were the last words i wrote in an online chat tonight. another move and i'm alone. again. wondering what i'm doing and where exactly is my life going. i'm really tired.

euphoric

so it's only the beginning of day two of the integrity toys convention, and i'm already in a state of pure bliss. fun talks, great food, and all the goodies have made for a great beginning. to top it off, one of my new online chat friends who lives relatively close by came in to hang out with me for a bit, which was quite enjoyable and greatly appreciated. yep, i would definitely say i am completely euphoric, and after the year or so i've had, i just say keep bringing it on. 

a voice from the past

so i'm stopped for the evening somewhere in ohio en route first to some fun at the integrity toys convention in chicago but ultimately to my new home in colorado. anyone who reads this blog has to come away with a few clear facts about me. probably one of the clearest is the important place music has in my life for expressing and understanding thoughts and feelings. on today's drive i pulled out a cd that i had not listened to in a while, but it has had and continues to have (as evidenced by today's listen) a great impact on my life.

the album is a distant call by the truly talented susan ashton (produced by the amazingly gifted wayne kirkpatrick). anyone familiar with this pair knows that they created some wonderful music together in the 90's. the combination of susan's beautiful vocals and interpretation with wayne's direction of the music (much of which he wrote) was truly magical. this particular album is my favorite. during different times in my life the songs from it have spoken to me deeply, often clarifying experiences that i was going through.

as i was ambling along the highways of pennsylvania, the song i'm sharing now jumped out at me as a most appropriate expression for how i'm feeling about life right now. i've always loved this song, and today that affection has grown deeper. i hope it speaks to you as well.

lonely river -- susan ashton

moving day

it's moving day. well, sort of. for my belongings it's moving day. even as i type this the movers are loading up box upon box onto their truck, which will carry my stuff off to storage. there it all will remain until i find a place to live in my new location nestled beneath the rockies. i don't actually leave out until tomorrow.

still, it's been a full weekend of sorting through more things, determining what will travel with me to my temporary home and what will ultimately join the other already packed items in storage. i'm a little worn out and looking forward to a couple weeks of comparatively more restful pursuits.

i state comparatively because while there won't be much physical exertion there will be quite a bit of emotional energy expended -- both in a good way (integrity toys convention, visiting with friends) and not so good (going to the st. louis house, seeing michael again). all in all, the beginning of the next two week break between jobs will be anything but uneventful. fortunately, the last part finds me settling in and having some time to rest up for the new job and my next phase of life.

but first, dinner with friends from work this evening. then, it's time to pack up the car and hit the road in the morning bound for chicago. i'm not sure how much i will be able to post while traveling, primarily given the busy activities ahead, but i'll try to squeeze in at least a couple of updates on how i'm doing. don't want to keep all the fun to myself.

farewell friday

as is likely obvious from the fact that the last entry was farewell monday, it has been quite a busy week. even as i type this entry, there are four men back at my apartment, packing my meager belongings in preparation for pick-up by the movers on monday. the days have moved rapidly as i've furiously attempted to get my things in order to make the packing task move as efficiently and effortlessly as possible. still, even with that i feel for the movers having to pack all of that stuff. even though i purged quite a few items, i found myself wondering last night, if i had to pack all of it, would i have discarded even more items?

one thing that this move process has impressed upon me is the exponential growth in my fashion doll collection. it would not be an exaggeration to state that my collection has likely grown ten fold (maybe even more) in the last three years. that is both exhilarating and a little scary. i love pretty much each and every item, but the reality is, if it continues to grow at this rate, i'm going to need quite a bit of space to display it all. as it is, with my peripatetic lifestyle of late, i've not been able to unpack the entirety of the collection, and with the sheer magnitude of effort required to pack it all, i'm not sure i want to unpack it all until i know i'm in a location that i will remain at for a long period of time. i guess i'll have to take a sort of curator's perspective on my collection for now. some items will be on permanent display. some will be brought out for "temporary exhibits."

speaking of collection growth, i soon will be at the integrity toys convention in chicago (only a week away) where i will be taking home a minimum of twelve more dolls (the convention collection (9 dolls), which i've already purchased, plus the workshop doll, the centerpiece doll, and the convention doll. that's not even counting if they do a build a giftset again this year, the souvenir shop items, and room sales. please just tell me i'm not bound for an episode of hoarders.

anyway, that little side reflection was not intended to be the main focus of this blog entry. it's my last day at umass memorial. so how do i feel? well, i feel like i have on pretty much every day i've been employed at umass memorial (save the earliest days where everything was fresh and new). i have been through enough last days at jobs though to know that not feeling the auspicious nature of the day is more the norm than not. given that, after years of repetition, we tend to arrive at work almost by auto pilot, it shouldn't be surprising that our bodies don't register the impending change of which our minds are all too aware.

there was a nice farewell farewell reception with cake and beverages yesterday. i'd say at least a third of the department showed up. lots of well wishes and telling the same details over and over and yet doing my best to make it seem as if it's the first time i've answered the questions. even with that though, it's still not really registering that today is my last day.
 

i imagine that it might seem a little more real when i leave on tuesday, but since i will be headed to the aforementioned convention, i suspect that it will feel more like i am just going on a vacation rather than embarking on the first legs of my relocation journey. i might have to wait until i'm moving in to my temporary housing or even starting my first day of work at the new job for it to register fully.

one thing i can say for sure. with each day the excitement grows and the fear lessens. i'm getting to the point that i'm ready to move on and start a new chapter in life. let's hope for the best. i'll try to do my best to keep you all posted on how it goes.

farewell monday

so it's my last monday as an employee of my current organization. the weekend was also filled with some lasts. i had my last get together with my local friends (well last as a massachusetts resident that is -- i certainly plan on coming back to visit), my last haircut at the salon i go to here, and my last visit to a favorite bookstore. taking a last walk around the city of boston (again as a local resident), i did get a little sad. as i indicated in the last entry, goodbyes are not the easiest for me.

tonight, some co-workers are taking me out for a farewell dinner. then it's back home to continue the process of getting things prepared for the movers. not sure yet when the move for my belongings is actually going to take place, but i want to get things in order before i leave a week from tomorrow. at least there is activity in this area that gives me some assurance that an answer will be forthcoming soon.

i imagine there are some more melancholy moments ahead. my hope is that the excitement about what lies ahead will start to kick in and more than compensate for the sadness of the things i leave behind.

now it's time to say goodbye

so my time as a resident of massachusetts is rapidly dwindling. this morning i met with a representative from the moving company to do a survey of the items that need to be packed and moved. over the last few hours, i've packed and carried six boxes from my office to the car. later tonight is the first of four goodbye dinners/receptions that i will have with friends and coworkers over the next week, having also had a dinner with another friend/colleague and her husband last sunday. i think it's beginning to sink in that this all is happening and that i actually am relocating.

i am really grateful for the well wishes and goodbyes and will do my best to savor the experiences, still, there is a part of me that wishes i was already on the other side of this process -- like way on the other side, settled in the new job, settled in my new home (completely furnished and functional), settled in new friendships and relationships. now considering that to get to the state i just described will likely take, at the very least, six months to a year, i'm thinking i better sit back and just do my best to enjoy the ride. plus, as i get older, i'm recognizing that wanting time to pass by quickly is not necessarily such a good thing, what with the human mortality thing and all.

goodbyes, even highly anticipated ones, are not easy -- at least not for me. closing the door on the familiar and moving out into the unknown seems to require a level of enthusiasm and eagerness that at times i wonder if i'm still able to muster sufficiently. i think it's for that reason that i've been going through the last few weeks with one thought in mind, "i really hope this is my last big move for awhile." we'll just have to wait and see on that one.

you're already there

i heard this song while i was driving around running errands on saturday. it was one of those moments when the music is just playing in the background while you're thinking of a million things you need to get done, and then, all of a sudden, you hear the lyrics and it's like your heart and mind know that it is song that you needed to hear at that moment. that moment actually happened not long after i had read the email from my ex michael, sharing that he was now in a relationship.

i have to admit that this song actually resides more in the hope than belief category right now -- a wishing it to be true rather than a certainty that it is. still, it's a beautiful song that deserves to be heard. sorry this particular video has some sound issues (people talking in the background mostly), but i chose this version because it was a replay of this broadcasted performance that i heard on saturday. i'm also going to post the lyrics just in case you can't make out everything.

who knows, maybe just maybe, that someone will read this and hear it.

you're already there

You're Already There - Hugh Panaro, Broadway's Fabulous Phantoms

(Music and lyrics by David Friedman)

Trying to sleep, alone in my bed,
Thoughts of the future go 'round in my head.
How will I find a love of my own,
A love of the kind that I've never known?

Don't know where I'm going,
Don't know what to do,
But I take comfort knowing that,
Right here and now,
You're out in the world, searching for me, too.

You're already there, waiting for me,
Wondering where in the world I could be.
You go through your day,
Dreaming your dream,
Afraid that it might not come true,
While I'm lying here,
Dreaming of you.


You're far, far away
Or just down the street.
But, surely, someday,
We are destined to meet.
I know in my heart you're coming to me.
I don't need to know when or where.
I'll just turn and, one day,
You'll be there.

And, maybe, we will know
At the first word, at the first glance.
Or, maybe, we'll go slow,
Start out as friends, but in the end,
A love to last a lifetime will grow.
And that will be our story.
I can't wait to live our story.

So, now, go to sleep and I'll do the same,
Knowing your heart though I don't know your name.
I trust in a plan much higher than me
To bring us together in time.


So, until you appear, I'll picture you clear,
Remove all the doubt and let go of the fear
And know that the future is fine.

You're already there,
Waiting for me.
So, in a funny way,
You're already mine.

letting go

i think i might have control issues. as the dates of the calendar seem to be flipping by with ever increasing speed, i sit here with no sense yet of where i will be living and when my belongings will be arriving to join me (wherever that may be). these are two issues that are in the hands of the relocation firm that i was just put in contact with last week. on friday i was assured that the corporate housing people would be in touch with me to let me know my options for temporary housing (all i will have to do upon making a selection is pick up the keys i was informed by my account manager) and get contacted by the movers to make arrangements for them to do an inventory of what i will be moving (then they will come pack everything up, load it, store it until i find a permanent place of residence, and then deliver it to that location).

it all sounds very easy and efficient, except for the fact that if i were doing this myself, all of those arrangements would likely have been made a couple of weeks ago. putting my life in the hands of others, particularly those with whom i'm not familiar, has always been difficult for me. now the irony of that fact is that usually when i have done so, particularly with professionals who do this type of thing for a living, i've been more than fine. it's only when i've put matters in the hands of those that i do know well and trust that disappointments inevitably seem to happen. still, i've managed to stir up a fair amount of anxiety in this particular situation.

now what also seems to happen in these kinds of situations is that i get to this place where i recognize that there's really not much i can do but let go and trust that all will be well. some of this comes from a spiritual/faith orientation to life. some of it comes from just a practicality orientation. i have things that i need to do that i have direct control over (preparing things for the movers, arranging the transfer of utilities, cleaning out my office at work, etc.). i can choose to put my full energies into those things and let the people who are responsible for the other stuff do their jobs, or i can divide my energies by worrying about matters out of my control, which will make it that much more difficult to accomplish the things that are my responsibility and leave me stressed and miserable as well.

this morning it feels like i've reached that place of letting go. my breathing seems to be more even, and i don't have that jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach. i do feel better and that i am going to be able to get everything done and all will fall nicely into place. it's a good feeling. still, i wouldn't mind if the corporate housing and movers got in touch with me today.

complements

it's been a few days since i last jotted something in this blog. in all honesty, i've really struggled with how to craft this particular entry. i had a particular subject in mind for awhile that was related to a revelatory moment i had getting ready for work a few days ago. but then i found out some information that kind of unnerved me and seemed to shove any learning that i received from my epiphany to the back of my mind. so i guess the way to proceed is to take a kind of that was then, this is now approach.

first the then. as i indicated at the beginning of this writing, i was getting ready for work a few days ago and stepping over the various pieces of debris strewn across the floor -- the results of my preparing for my impending move. Dodging piles of papers, clothes, and books got me to thinking about the enormity of the move, and how, when i first knew about the possibility of my needing to move, the scenario was much different. then i was with michael, and i thought that he would be very much a part of the picture when i relocated. now, i'm not and he isn't. i started to then drift into daydream mode and began imagining how the current circumstance would be playing out if michael and i were still together.

interestingly enough though, my subconscious wasn't in the mood to play let's pretend in the mode of waxing rhapsodic, displaying hazy, sepia toned pictures of a couple in love. instead, i got a starkly clear picture of the likely reality, that being michael complaining about my not relocating to our home in st. louis but heading out west instead. as the scene continued, he kept asking when i would be leaving the new not yet started job and how often i would be visiting him, insisting that flying home every weekend would be his preference. i could plainly see his pouting face as if it were literally right in front of me. all of this was happening while i was frantically preparing for the arrival of the movers with him lifting nary a finger to assist me.

this daydream (more like a daymare really) had the affect of an ice cold glass of water being thrown in my face. suddenly i realized, all the other (valid) complications about our relationship aside, the reason michael and i weren't and couldn't be together came down to one simple fact (btw, those last three words were going to be the original title of this blog). we are in very different places in our lives, and because of that, our lives simply don't fit together anymore. trying to fulfill michael's expectations of me as his partner would not allow me to do and be the person i want to be in life and (to some extent) vice versa. it's neither good or bad. it's just what is. i've had similar realizations to this one, but this time recognizing this truth drove to a place deep in my heart and brought about a sense of closure and peace. 

at least i thought it did until i got an email from michael this weekend in response to my letting him know that i'd planned on dropping by the st. louis house to pick up a few personal items. buried in that email was this little nugget:

if you have followed [facebook], you know that i am presently dating someone, and it is going well.  that should give you some confidence that seeing you would be just a nice conversation between friends.

and with that bit of news came the second encounter between my face and that glass of ice cold water. i was caught with many mixed emotions. one is the irony of the fact that the entire time i was going through feelings of missing michael, he was involved with someone else. there's also the fact that, while i actually am happy for him, it seems somehow (and i recognize this is not a mature feeling) unfair that he gets to find love before i do. however at the heart of both of these feelings is the fact that neither have anything to do with michael, but rather they are about, on one hand, what i hope to have and on the other, fear i won't -- a loving relationship of my own.

so i guess these experiences are more complementary than i thought. both have brought some clarity as to what has been happening in my life. but to be honest, when it comes to complements,  ultimately (to quote that great lyric from "la vie boheme" in the musical rent) i'm looking for someone whose "baggage goes with mine."

a fulfilled, meaningful life

so yesterday i wrote about my fears about not having the life i desired. it got me thinking of how i would define that "fulfilled, meaningful life" and while many rich, emotion-laden images came to mind the accurate descriptive words did not. well, when my own words fail me, i turn to music. i have two songs. one i've known for quite some time and one is fairly new to me. one is about love and the other is about legacy. one is simple and intimate. the other is big and kind of audacious. these songs don't necessarily say everything that i might want to express of what i hope for, but they certainly capture the essence of what the type of life i desire looks and feels like. 

you'd be so nice to come home to -- pascale lavoie

i was here -- kristin chenoweth

a master plan

you know the type of person that seems to have his/her life all mapped out? it's the person who from an early age knew what they wanted to do in life.  by the time this person was in college, he/she pretty much had the key milestones in life determined and a master plan for how and when he/she was going to reach each one. i'm sure you've run across this person at least once in life. well, i'm not that kind of person. the irony is that i'm a planner by profession, but maybe not really because, like pretty much everything else in my life, i kind of just fell into this work by chance. i wouldn't say i'm the exact opposite of the person i described at the beginning of this entry, but i am pretty far down on the opposite end of the spectrum.

during life i've alternately questioned whether it was good and bad that i was not that kind of person. right now, i'm in the phase where i'm questioning whether it has been good that i have not been that kind of person. an alternative way of stating that would be i'm wondering if i may have royally f*cked up my chances for happiness by not being more focused and deliberate in how i've gone about living.

last night, i was reminded that i am not a young man anymore and that my prospects for love and companionship are dwindling (i should clarify that this was not the intention of the people making the comments; it's just that the conversation reinforced some perspectives i'd been wrestling with when i entered into the discussion). a mood of melancholy persisted through the remainder of the night and has lingered into today. funny that because this morning i came across a message reminding me that i'm supposed to be happy because of the new job. while i would say that i am happy and grateful for the new job, i'm not sure that it has the power to completely transform my view on life.

and it is uncertainty that probably explains why, when it comes to life, i'm not much of a life planner. i really can't say that i have much of a clue of how to go about orchestrating my life, so i just take it as it comes and make it up as i go along. unfortunately, that doesn't seem to stop me from worrying at times that the kind of fulfilled, meaningful life that i want to have may be beyond my grasp. i think it's going to be a tough day.

just cause

i love this song and thought it's a good reminder to have. remember who you really are.

what you want

precious illusions

not sure if i've ever shared this song, but a quick scan through previous posts doesn't indicate that i have. this morning i heard a song that has always resonated deeply within me since the first time i heard it. i'm not exactly sure why, but i have a feeling i'm in particular need of its message for this time in my life. here it is (hope you like it):

precious illusions

days of angst

this is likely to be a short and quite rambling post. i have no specific event, issue, or activity to articulate and dissect save the fact that i find myself in a general state of angst and well discombobulation. i know the things i should be doing, and i am slowly but surely managing my way through the list, but i still feel that somehow i'm not doing enough or the right stuff. i'm also feeling like life is very murky now, so i don't think i'm entirely sure what all comprises "the right stuff." 

for example, i've never been in a situation at work where i have been so much of a lame duck. the new boss is scheduling meetings with my peers in which i am not included. in part that makes sense as they are focused on the future, and i am part of the past. still, after having spending 8 months feeling insignificant in my role, i suppose i'd hoped i would go out with a sense of greater relevance to the work at hand not less. likely it was a foolish hope, but it was there none the less. actually, something similar happened when i left my previous job. instead of being engaged for any parting insights and wisdom about the future direction of the organization, i was asked to help rewrite a paper done by our summer interns and to facilitate some meeting. so i guess that's the general theme when people know you're leaving. still, i see the beginning of changes in how we operate even now start to take form, and i feel an uneasiness about what will take place and the affects on those that i leave behind.

then there are the issues of relocating. i've been waiting for information about how that process will take place and have only today received assurances that the information will be forthcoming in the next day or so. likely plenty of time to get things in order, but i'm a planner by nature. i like to see what's coming well in advance of it's arrival and know my place in what's going to transpire. it's not that ambiguity makes me uncomfortable, it's just that i'd also like to have some sense that there will be eventual clarity and a general time frame for when that clarity will be coming (so i guess i'm ok with ambiguity within limits).

and maybe that last parenthetical comment is the crux of it all. there are no limits yet apparent as to when the ambiguity of my life will become fully clear. major change is just like that. all i can do is just try my best to remain a fully engaged, active participant in the shaping of my own life, knowing (hoping?) that in time the form and substance of what is being shaped will become clearer -- just in time for the next change. 

the cruelty of the subconscious

i had another dream about michael. it's not really surprising as he came up in the midst of conversation in a late night on-line chat. in the dream i was making "my stop in st. louis on the way out west" visit that i'm currently contemplating. it was pleasant and the interaction reminded me of the best days of our relationship. it was clear to me in the dream that i still had strong feelings for him and that i was maybe even a little hopeful that we could try one more time.

as i was looking around the house, i stumbled across pictures of michael with another (much younger and very attractive) man. i don't remember asking about who the guy was, but i do remember michael matter of factly sharing that it was someone with whom he had been involved over the previous months. the pictures were clear in providing the perspective that this was not some casual friendship, yet michael's demeanor was also clear that, even with this romantic involvement, he too was hopeful for another chance at our relationship.

i woke up to the alarm clock blaring headlines from npr with all of these thoughts in the air, and the reality of what is quickly erased the dream-like reverie that i had just been experiencing. it seems almost cruel the way our subconscious pulls out from the recesses of our minds these deep feelings, trots them in front of us in the form of dreams, and then leaves us with the scenes and their apparent meanings to ponder once we awake.

i don't know. it's hard to ponder what's in the head when you're weighed down by the heaviness of the heart. i'm sure there will be this and more to think about on another day. for now i will just trust that what it all means will become clearer as i move forward (not backward) in life.

two weeks

i wondered how long it would take for me to return to my previous melancholic mood post job offer. it appears my time limit is about two weeks for any emotional lift created by the receipt of good news. mind you, i'm still very grateful and very much looking forward to the new job; however, since this good news is also accompanied by a good bit of significant life changes, it is both exciting and a little scary at the same time. plus, it marks really a beginning rather than a fulfillment, so i'm approaching it all with a wait and see attitude.

i think what's also affected my mood is news from various quarters of new relationships in the offing. i had already been experiencing a certain amount of wistfulness regarding my relationship with michael that was only heightened by hearing a voice mail message that he left a few weeks ago, but i just heard for the first time yesterday. add to that hearing about people who have become smitten with another and i guess you have the recipe for a blue mood.

in a previous entry,  i believe i alluded to the  transformative power of love. i miss having that kind of love fully present and tangible in my life. i'm not entirely certain why, but there is nothing like having someone to love and knowing you are loved in return.

sometimes i feel silly admitting how important this particular aspect of living is to me, particularly when life holds no guarantees that i will have this experience again. still, i guess if i don't acknowledge it's importance, it likely would make it that much more difficult for this kind of love relationship to become a reality. or is wanting something so much what made me stay in a dysfunctional relationship for so long? or is wanting something so much what will make me stay in a future relationship even when circumstances aren't so rosy?

so many questions and uncertainties. it's at moments like these that i wish life came with an instruction manual. then again, i'm not always the best at using those anyway.

love again?

i've mentioned before that i've recently been pondering returning to the house i shared with my ex to pick up some personal items. i've also mentioned that thinking about doing so has caused me to reminisce about that relationship and that reflection has engendered emotions of missing him and the good parts of the relationship we shared for almost a decade.

i would be dishonest if i didn't admit that missing being with him has made me question whether or not the relationship ending is a good thing. and yes i've even wondered if there were some slim chance that we could actually make things work. ponderings yes. thoughts to follow through on, no.

as much as my heart yearns for the familiarity of that relationship, experience has shown me that the melding of our lives is not meant to be. we may be ok individuals apart, but we are not better people together. well, speaking for my own part, i know i am not the better for the relationship and that sadly the pain resulting has been greater than the pleasure. 

but it's hard to recognize that this reality is the case with someone that you sincerely love and care about. still, the question that i know needs to be answered is not what does it mean that i still love him, but rather, is it possible for me to feel the same way about someone else? even more so (and perhaps this is where the doubt creeps in), will someone feel the same way about me again?

love is such a mysterious force. it is perhaps the greatest evidence for me of the presence of the divine as it can appear seemingly out of nowhere and can transform one's life in ways that are astonishing and breathtaking. it seems almost greedy to hope that that kind of experience will happen again in one's lifetime. but hope i do.

beginning to live a hoped for reality

i'm not sure if this is a situation unique to me, but i always have found the time immediately after the realization of some desired outcome to be a little surreal. i think it has something to do with the fact that i work really hard to protect myself from disappointment.

the dynamic generally works something like this. the potential for something that i really want to happen comes into my life. it develops from a possibility, to a likelihood, to a certainty, to actually happening. all along the way in that process, i do my best not to buy completely into the belief that it is going to happen. that way, should it not take place, i will not be disappointed.

before i continue with the main subject of this blog entry, i feel i need to deal first with the major absurdity of that construct. no matter how i try to protect myself from disappointment, it never works. if the hoped for reality does not come to pass, i find myself feeling equally as disappointed if not more so than i originally thought i would be. i consider that to be the very definition of wasted effort.

however, the focus of today's writing is what happens when what i've hoped for does indeed come to pass. in this particular case, obviously, it's the new job. after months of knowing it might happen, it now has. what's bizarre is i have to remind myself that it has happened. the offer has been made, and certainly my plan is to accept it (as soon as i hear back from the recruiter on how to return the requested paperwork).

so now the dynamic goes something like this. i think about looking forward to going to the new job. a thought comes that i shouldn't think about the new job because it might not happen. then another thought comes that says, "wait i got the offer. i guess it is going to happen. so i suppose it's ok to thing about it." add to this the fact that it's also been a secret that i've carried within myself. so now, with my announcing my resignation last week, people are coming up to me to talk about this hoped for reality that up to a week ago i was trying my best not to have them know about. it all gets very confusing.

and this is just the beginning. wait until it comes to actually living the hoped for reality. more on that to come (i hope. i mean, i will).

that other song

so a few days ago, i was thinking about my preparations for moving and thought that maybe, as i headed out west, i would stop by the house and pick up a few personal items. this in turn got me thinking about my ex and feelings of loneliness and actually missing him began to creep in. i've stated it before and i'll state it again here. it really hurts when someone you love so much is not right for you and you really know you can't be together.

the next morning i was listening to music as i was getting ready for work and this song came on. it's a song i've heard a couple of times since the break up, and it was a reminder of the fact that i really need to hold on and believe that there is an other side to this experience. i will eventually get there, but it's just going to take awhile.

one other point to think about when you listen to this song. i see it very much as a duet not a solo. this song can apply equally (and with some lyrics more) to michael's perspective on what's happened as to mine. i hope the same resolution for him as well.

over you by daughtry

theme song

i originally had another song planned for this entry related to another topic, but this morning i was thinking about the fact that today i will be sharing with my colleagues  that i will be leaving at the end of september. this thought then got me reflecting on all of the changes that lie ahead and how much there is that i will need to prepare for the transition. thinking about it all can cause one to become somewhat overwhelmed.

for whatever reason, thinking about changes reminded me of the song from which this blog takes its name. at the outset of creating this blog in the midst of another time of transition three years ago, i posted the lyrics of the song but i did not post a link to the actual song. this seemed like an appropriate time to do so. so we'll save that other song for tomorrow, enjoy the sweetness and beauty of this one, and be reminded anew of the truth in this composition that is truly dear to my heart.

enough to be on your way by james taylor

good news

smiling is not something i've been doing very much of late. but today, to be honest, i'm beaming. the kind of smile that doesn't just exist on your face but extends all the way into your heart and warms your soul. now the pragmatist in me says that this feeling won't last and that maybe it's even a little silly to invest time in feeling this way. but when such feelings have been few and far between, my pragmatic side is just going to have to indulge me and allow me at least a few moments to bask in the news.

so soon i will be pulling up stakes and heading west to a new job opportunity and a new season of life. i've gone through several such transitions as i've commented on a few times previously in this blog. this one will certainly have it's challenges. i have no friends or family where i'm moving nor have i ever lived in that portion of the country. the job is large in scope and significant in responsibilities. and yet i am eager to begin and in many ways start anew. time to shake off the cobwebs, take a deep breath and dive in.

but first i need to start closing down shop here, say my goodbyes, prepare for the move and take a bit of a break. with all that is ahead, i'm pretty certain that the next few months should be very interesting. stay tuned.

proving a negative

i found myself in the midst of a debate late last night about the merits of gossip. for those who know me, believe it or not, i was on the con side. i state that to admit that while i have been known to browse through certain tabloid magazines, drop by a certain blog that peddles in celebrity "news" (the nom de plume of the blogger is partially shared with a certain celebutante), and partake in office chit chat, i still maintain that gossip is not an essential part of our daily lives and likely we would all be better off without it. my worthy debate opponent argued that it is an integral part of communication and vital for our day-to-day interactions.

mind you i think that we may have been working from different ideas of what entails "gossip," but i did pull this definition from wikipedia to help frame our discussion because i found it accurately reflected my perspective on gossip:

gossip is idle talk or rumour, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

i think the reason why  i believe gossip is particularly unnecessary is that it rarely relies on facts but more often than not instead involves rumor, speculation, and innuendo. i had to admit though that having been the recent target of office gossip i might be hypersensitive about the matter and i disclosed this fact at the end of our chat. it seemed that part of my friend's argument was that gossip was not only a way to relay information necessary for a group of people to function but that it is a means for our brains to engage in an active processing of information, without which they would be reduced to if i recall the terminology correctly "gelatinous blobs."

so (as is often the case) we pretty much argued to a standstill. when i work up this morning though i was struck with a thought that i've had before following such discussions about human behavior -- that being that it is nearly impossible to prove a negative. in this case obviously it would be how our lives would be fine, if not better, without gossip. the fact is that even the wikipedia definition goes on to state that gossip is one of the oldest forms of human communication. it is a practice that is at the very foundation of our social structure. therefore, there exist numerous examples of how gossip has a place in our society. at the same time, i would submit, there exist no widely known examples of living a gossip-free existence. therefore, there are no manifest examples of the benefits of not engaging in gossip or, at the very least, that it's absence would not be detrimental to our lives.

it's really a challenge to prove a point when you have the whole of human existence providing evidence against you. somehow, that doesn't manage to prevent me from trying.

spending my way out of sadness

woke up this morning, checked my bank account and realized i've done it again. i've been spending way too much money in an effort to compensate for my depression. now, naturally, this is not how this pattern works it's way through my mind in any purposeful fashion. instead the situation unfolds more in the following way: i buy one little thing and i feel good. i buy another bigger thing and i feel even better. and then, like a stack of dominoes, i find myself in a spending spree that ends with me ultimately back in the same mood i started in and deeper in the financial hole with a bunch of stuff piled up around me.

having been partnered with an addict, you would think i would know better than to take a chance in indulging my own addictive tendencies. while it certainly has always given me empathy concerning my ex's condition, i recognize that my own foibles don't excuse his. plus, given that many of these same spending cycles in the past were triggered by my reactions to events stemming from his problems, situations like the current one just reinforce in my mind that we're not a good combination, and i have to take care of me before i can be of any help to anyone else.

so it's back to a plan of austere living as i clean up the results of the latest financial debacle. hopefully, this time (with the help of the more public acknowledgement of my problem via this blog) the realization that spending when i am in a depressive state is always a dynamic in which i need to proceed with caution (if at all  in many cases) will sink even deeper into my psyche and will lead to more appropriate and positive outcomes in the future because unless i'm mistaken, barrels are not making a comeback as the fashion ensemble of choice.

hobby or statement?

so if you're a long-time reader of this blog then you know that one of my pastimes is that i'm a collector of modern and vintage fashion dolls (and if you're recent reader, well, now you know). this past friday i had the pleasure of indulging in my hobby by taking a leisurely drive along the highways and byways of massachusetts and upstate new york to the tonner company store in kingston, ny. for the uninitiated, the tonner doll company is one of the major producers of fashion dolls and character figures. i've only recently started collecting tonner dolls (as in the past couple of years) but have quickly branched out into a variety of their product lines.

it was a true joy to be like the proverbial kid in the candy store (or maybe more appropriately a toy store). after sizing up the room and what was available from my favorite lines, i asked the salesperson if she would assist me. literally, we went from one end of the store to the other and i pointed out the items that i wanted ("and i want this, and this, and this, oh and that. . . ."). as she busily wrote down on her pad item descriptions and skus. when we got done, she left for the adjacent stock room, and i took pictures of the beautifully arrayed shelves (i'll try to post a few pictures when i get home). to have a doll room set up like that is a long-term dream but one that will likely have to wait quite a few years (chances are that i will be renting for well into the foreseeable future and will not have that kind of space to dedicate to such an endeavor). my purchases were totaled and piled into three shopping bags for which i paid a pretty healthy sum (but as i tell myself in many such shopping expeditions, i am well worth the expense). 

when i got home from my day's activity, i found a response to the tweet of that morning in which i announced my day's plans. the response read, "you went on a shopping trip to a fashion doll company?" now having come to know the individual who wrote said note at least a little bit over the past few weeks, i imagined the bemused smirk that likely passed across his face as he wrote his inquiry. that mental picture in turn likely fueled my response of, "well it's their retail store and yes, i did. i've been a collector for about seven years. and yes, i'm really that gay."

somehow, my response got me thinking about how much i've changed over the past 12 or so years since accepting my sexual orientation. prior to this time,  i was struggling with the idea that i might be gay and doing everything not to be so, and it is activities like fashion doll collecting that i would not have dared engage. because of the stereotypes that accompany this activity and others (interests in fashion, theater, decorating, etc.) i would never have wanted to have suffered any "guilt" by association and would have shunned the whole idea (though, believe it or not, there are actually straight men who are fashion doll collectors). the truly sad thing is that i would have let fear result in my missing taking part in a hobby that, as i reflected in a later online chat with my tweet responding friend, has brought me so much enjoyment. in fact, over the past year and a half, with several difficult and painful changes having taken place, this hobby has been somewhat of a lifesaver, allowing me to divert at least some of my hurt into more pleasant pursuits. i don't want to imagine how bleak life would have been without my collecting pursuits, but it would have been very, very bleak indeed.

so it would appear to me that i've, intuitively at least, known that coming out as a fashion doll collector would in many ways be my way of making a statement about other aspects of my self as well. but now, i'm happy to state, i wouldn't have it any other way.

speaking of closets

just saw this article posted on the advocate website. sometimes, i wonder if we will ever progress when this type of thing keeps happening.

could an adovcate interview hurt rising action film star luke evans?

is fame really worth sacrificing one's principles? enjoy your life back in the closet luke.

at arm's length

it seems that this is my week to have conversations about sexual identity. consider this entry a kind of corollary to yesterday's. this time the topic of conversation was sparked by a statement to the effect of, "i'm an atypical gay as i do not let my sexuality define me." now, to that point i had merely been observing the chat, but for me a statement like that is like throwing a big t-bone steak in front of a starving dog. so i dove in. i'll spare the details of the chat and just go to my key concern. i'm not sure how well served we are when lgbt folks make statements that give the appearance that they are holding their sexuality at arm's length.

i should preface any additional remarks by stating that back when i was coming to terms with my own sexuality, i read quite a few books on sexuality (many in the realm of the relationship of christian faith and homosexuality). the central premise of all of these books was that sexuality is not just an aspect of who we are but it is a central, defining aspect of who we are. one only need to look at how virulent the debate is around topics like gay marriage to see the validity of that point. who we are attracted to, who we love and engage in intimacy with goes to the deepest places of our psyches and drives so much of how we see and operate in the world (want more proof of this dynamic -- flip through a mainstream magazine and see what aspects of ourselves that advertisers try to reach most often).

i'm aware that the comment voiced in chat really had little to do with sexuality and more to do with stereotypes (a fact that was clarified by the additional conversation), but i think the point still deserves to be explored as it's not the first time that i've witnessed gay men making this statement. it's fine to declare one's individuality, but i just think it's a little absurd to do it at the expense of recognizing the integral aspect of sexuality to one's identity, particularly when i would submit that such a bifurcation between sexuality and identity is a main contributor to anti-gay bias and homophobia. such trappings as being promiscuous, going to clubs, and loving show tunes are not tied to our sexuality. they may be ways that many gay men choose to express it, but to do so is not de facto "letting one's sexuality define them."

i whole-heartedly support choosing to live our lives in ways that are true to who you see ourselves to be (as long as that is done in a way that does not abuse, harm, or infringe on the inherent rights of life, love, and liberty of another individual), but i just think that living a life of integrity can be done as well, if not better, by embracing our sexuality as a central definer of our respective identities.