feeling loved

not too long after finishing yesterday's blog entry, i decided to head out to a nearby office supply store to pick up some items for a little project i'm working on. on my way out of the store, i came upon what i assumed was a father and his two children, a boy and a girl. the father was putting his young daughter in the seat of the shopping cart, but what drew my attention was the little boy. i would guess he was about seven or eight and he was smiling and giggling while doing little jumps; it was as if he was doing his best to contain his excitement, but his overall delight in the situation of being out with his father kept spilling over anyway. it was clear that he felt safe and loved. it was a lovely scene and brought a smile to my own face as i headed out for a quick trip to the store next door.

what was not so lovely a scene was my car ride home as i thought about what i had witnessed and then realized that in not a single fiber of my being did i have that feeling of being safe and loved. last night the world felt like a cold, scary, lonely place for me. i won't go into details but the remainder of the night seemed to reinforce that feeling.

and this morning? well, this morning i came upon an email sent yesterday from a dear friend expressing concern about my well-being and for a brief moment the world got a bit warmer. i fear though that the day is still very new and i have many hours to fill. in addition, it's new year's eve tonight, another time for the gathering of friends and lovers, and i will spend this night, as i have many a day, alone. and yet the deeper concern is not about spending this one new year's eve alone, my pain rests in wondering for how many more will that be the case.

in a strange space

today was another rough day. i'm not sure why but it feels like my mood is getting worse rather than better. i've been off from work for almost a week, and yet i feel more tired and listless as the days go by. i slept for a few hours today and still feel unrested. it's a strange space. with no apparent way out.

an even exchange?

yesterday, i was feeling the need for a walk. so despite the fact that the sun was going down and the temperature with it, i bundled up, grabbed my ipod and headed out the door.

though this kind of activity should be a part of of my daily routine, i tend to find that my walks most often come about due to a need to work out some tension or stress. yesterday was no different as, following a day of feeling down about my current life situation, the urge to peregrinate struck me once again.

as i was walking along my familiar path, my mind went to the last time i went for a walk. at that time i was feeling depressed about the state of my relationship with michael and likely knew that a decision was approaching about whether to continue or to end it.  it was a pretty teary journey. this time i was thinking that i was on the other side of that decision, and now i was sad about the fact that i was alone with no clear prospects for when and if that would change. so again it was a pretty teary journey with the added awareness of the fact that i had simply exchanged one sad situation for another.  the question that came to mind though was one that was consistent with other recent thoughts i've had, that being, "was it an even exchange?"

in other words, was the unhappiness i was experiencing at being alone more painful than the sadness i felt about being in a wrong relationship? part of me says, "yes," if only for the fact that when i was struggling with whether to remain in the relationship there was this little glimmer of hope (false as it may have been) that maybe things would get better. as i knew then and am experiencing now, it is difficult to let go of something you have for an unknown, uncertain future. now that i have, i'm feeling that i greatly underestimated how hard this exchange would be even though i've been to this place before.

and with that it feels like it's time for another walk.

is this thing on?

over the last few days i've been experiencing a pretty perplexing phenomenon. since moving west, i have not had a chance to develop friendships in my current locale. as a result, many of my newest friends have been met via the internet and our relationships have relied on such means as instant messaging for their continuance and development. this seems to have worked pretty well, but this week in particular, i've been encountering a strange development.

i'm having online conversations that  seem labored and convoluted. there are long gaps of time between messages and confused meanings. and some conversations just seem to end. no farewells or wishes for a good night. just a question or declaration from me and no further response from the other party for the remainder of the evening. given that i'm a personality type that likes closure, this last situation has been very frustrating. i feel like i'm communicating, but i'm not connecting.

there's a part of me that wonders if maybe the phenomenon is not necessarily new, but my reactions to it are what have changed. i have been feeling a stronger and stronger need for connection as the days have gone by. and so when something happens that suggests that the connection is not being established, then maybe i find this situation more untenable than i would under other circumstances.

it feels like i'm walking through life right now with this invisible barrier surrounding me that prevents a full connection between me and the world that surrounds me. what is perhaps stranger is that my reaction is to want to withdraw even more from people. attempting to connect and not doing so becomes ever more fatiguing and emotionally painful and the temptation is to just question if it's even worth it. it's just a steady slide down from there to start questioning if anything is really worth it and well that's the reason i'm typing this entry in my bed ready to pull the covers over my head and call it a day.

people keep saying it will get better. every day it feels like the evidence suggests otherwise.

having something

yesterday, i wrote that one of the matters that has been the source of some pain and sadness is the fact that i repeatedly went back to a relationship that ultimately was not a good one for me. at various times i've expressed mystification as to how something like that happened. on christmas day i came face to face with a chilling thought that made me realize pretty much exactly how something like that happens.

i'm not exactly sure what brought the thought on. i know i was moving about the house doing various random tasks, and for some reason, the thought came to me about having spent last christmas in st. louis with michael and spending this christmas alone and then this feeling of a deep longing and desire for connection filled me. and then this unhappy realization came to mind, "i have no idea when or if this desire will ever be fulfilled again." being brought into a such close proximity to that reality opened me up to yet another thought, "no wonder i kept going back to michael. at this particular moment, having something, no matter how dysfunctional, seems better than a potential lifetime of nothing."

now let me take a brief break from my own personal angst to make one brief clarification. there are many people in this world who not only survive but thrive without a companion, significant other, spouse, what have you. my statements about said desire for a loving relationship and the need for it in my life are solely about me and should not be inferred to be making some statement about life in general. i say all of this to state that it drives me crazy when people assume that the only way everyone can be happy is to be with someone else. my perspective about this need is for my life only.

now with that being stated, who knows? more of life may even change my perspective on this need for me. while a change in perspective would certainly ease the pain, i think i would prefer the companionship. and while having something may have driven me back to a relationship, let's hope i can keep firmly in mind that not having the right something is what sent me right back out again. after all, i'm not getting any younger.

i want to be that person again

i am pleased to report that, for the most part, christmas day went pretty well. i was in fairly good spirits most of the day. i think it helped that i had a little meal to prepare, some gifts to open, and a doctor who marathon to watch. all held my focus and kept my mind from wandering. but as the marathon ended (well my portion of it; they started rerunning the programming at about 8:30 pm) and the evening went on my spirits progressively sagged.

there were a couple of interesting moments though that bear reflection here. one is the topic of today's entry. the other will be tomorrow's. with this first moment, it occurred as i was in the midst of the marathon but wasn't related to one of the episodes. it actually occurred during one of the commercials.

those of you in the u.s. may have seen this particular commercial. it was a holiday commercial from ikea that shows a woman doing a variety of seemingly random acts around her home -- cutting some flowers, moving a plate, stretching in a chair. it's only later that we realize that these were her  thoughtful preparations for a holiday gathering -- each act reflecting the care she puts into ensuring that her guests have the ideal holiday experience.

the commercial played several times over the course of my watching the marathon (six and a half hours of pure doctor who bliss -- farewell matt smith; we shall miss you), and upon one showing i was reminded of a time in my life when i used to host various parties and get togethers. i took a similar approach to ensuring that i had prepared for every eventuality all with the intention of providing a great time for my friends. "i used to be that person," i thought. and with that, for a brief moment at least, the feeling of, "i want to be that person again" came to me. and with that, the first of a few revelations came to me.

"if that's true," the revelation began, "then there is no way you could be with michael." you see all of that hosting desire went out the window as my relationship with michael developed. without going into too much detail (primarily because i'd rather not relive it), my experience with michael made every aspect of hosting a gathering, from the preparation to the execution to the aftermath, a stressful experience. after a time, i just took the attitude that it was not worth it. and with that reminder, i received the most significant epiphany of all -- when a relationship prevents you from being who you want to be then it's time to move on from that relationship.

above all of the other major issues that existed, the lack of support i received from michael in being who i felt called to be was the fundamental problem with our relationship. and that lack of support extended to both professional and personal dimensions of my life. while (for the most part) never actively opposing me in certain aspects of living my life, he was rarely if ever supportive of the choices i wanted to make. my career, for instance, has developed in ways that i actually only ever dreamed would be possible with the potential to go even further. none of it has happened with any support or encouragement from michael. that realization makes me sad for two reasons. one that i had a partner whose love could not extend to desiring and championing the best for me and two that i not only stayed with him as long as i did with those conditions, but i repeatedly went back to him instead of moving on. all that time wasted never to be reclaimed.

actually, there is a third sadness that came to me within my reflections on the ikea commercial yesterday. though the thought of "i want to be that person again" came to me, i don't believe i can do it alone. in addition to the fact that said career is far more time and energy consuming than during the period i was the "host with the most," i lack the energy and resolve to pursue that as a single person. i somehow feel a need to have someone encouraging me on in my efforts. someone who says that what i do matters to him and the people around me. someone who understands me and wants me to be the best me that i can and expresses that support not just in words but in deed as well.

those are all nice thoughts, but with the recognition that i spent 12 years (off and on) with someone and didn't get that kind of love and support and that life holds no guarantees that i will ever have that, it's not a wonder that i am again pretty weepy and i suspect i won't be moving very far from my bed today.

a christmas song

taking a bit of a break from writing (and i'm sure you could use a break from my travails as well). so here's a christmas song from one ms. amy grant. i had a few to choose from as amy and christmas have been close associates for many years, but this one seemed most appropriate as it goes well with where my heart's desire has been of late. maybe someday it will be more than a hope. maybe ....

baby, it's christmas - amy grant

something special about this day

it's christmas eve morning, and i have to admit that it's difficult for even a saddened soul like mine to not get a bit of a lift from the thought. i've always maintained that there's something about this day and tomorrow that is really, well, magical. i'm sure the indoctrination i received as a child with respect to santa's gift-giving ride across the world has something to do with that perspective (and i will be watching the polar express tonight to attempt to recapture even a hint of that feeling), but i believe it's something more.

i saw it on the face of the sales clerk at panera this morning as he handed me my newly purchased loaf of holiday bread and wished me a merry christmas. i heard it in the voice of a work colleague as he departed the elevator not with the usual, "have a good day" but with a similar enthusiastic well wishing for the happiest of holidays. i felt it as i sent a text to s.r. this morning expressing the same sentiments for this day. it's as if the very air molecules are filled with this desire for peace, joy, and love. and i sense it every year at this time.

now lest you think i've gone soft on you and that some miraculous transformation has taken place in my disposition, i will say my mood is still pretty subdued. but rather than the deeper depression i've been experiencing, i would say the mood is more wistful with the slightest hint of melancholy.

i think of so many christmases past -- many happy, several (particularly those now in later life) not so much. all of them adding depth and meaning to my life experience. i hope to see many more christmases, and i hope the ratio of "happy" to "not so much" shifts far more toward the former.

for this christmas eve day though i will do my best to look forward to and engage in the agenda i have planned for the day -- finish up some things here at the office, pick up some qdoba for lunch (nachos or naked burrito? still to be decided), maybe take a quick nap, launch my christmas movie marathon while enjoying some garrett's carmel crisp popcorn, and open up a few gifts that i purchased for myself (i was very good to myself this year).

i'm sure i will have some sad moments -- maybe even a few tears, but hey, it's christmas eve. and on this day it's really hard not to feel the love. have a good one y'all.

fewer and fewer

it's just two more shopping days until christmas. a quick online chat with s.r. this morning reminded me of this fact as he indicated that he still had a bit more shopping to do today. we did a quick comparison of our relative itineraries for the next few days and then it was off on our separate ways to live out said agendas.

that brief bit of dialogue did prompt my realization that my shopping was really easy this year restricted as it was to mom and work colleagues. i also started reflecting on how over the years the number of folks that i had to do shopping for has fluctuated, but it does seem that of late the total has seemed to be on the steady decline.

i can't help but wonder what does that diminishment mean for my life (other than more debt free holidays). i mean, i look up and i have no real close friends in immediate proximity to me (immediate? actually, try within hundreds of miles!!) and i am so out of practice with forming friendships i'm not sure how to even begin to do so (and certainly in my current state i truly lack the motivation to make the effort).

despite recent ruminations on the need to accept the past and move on, i have been continuing to move in and out of this mental space of questioning whether the choices in my life have been the right ones -- the constant back and forth with michael, the peripatetic lifestyle to follow job opportunity after opportunity -- what have they added up to? i'm alone at what is billed "the most wonderful time of year" and see no chances for that isolation ending anytime soon.

and now i have just two working days before i begin a stretch of vacation time that will last until the first full week of the new year. as i shared with s.r. in this morning's instant chat, that's a mixed blessing prone as i am to gloom-filled reflections when given too much time to myself. but it appears too much time and myself is all i have this christmas.   

special

i have a few traditions i engage in at christmas time. one of the most enduring and enjoyable is that there are certain movies i much watch, or, well, it's just not christmas if i don't. christmas in connecticut, meet me in st. louis, a charlie brown christmas, the polar express, and a christmas carol (preferably the george c. scott version but i've also enjoyed patrick stewart's and the classic alistair sims version as well) are all on the list of must sees.

another lesser known film that always gets a playing is a little indie called 24 nights. it's a delightful and sweet gay romantic comedy that manages to put a clever take on the conventions of that genre while also playing by the rules of a happy ending. the basic plot involves a late twentysomething guy named jonathan, a slacker who works in a gay bookstore filled with great personalities, who lost his parents at an early age, which has resulted in some challenges to his emotional maturity. this christmas jonathan writes a letter to santa asking for a boyfriend and the fun begins when a young man named toby enters to apply for a job at the bookstore. toby fits every one of jonathan's described preferred characteristics that were listed in the letter to santa and so hilarity ensues as jonathan pursues the (at first) hapless toby, a situation that is only further complicated by the growing presence of toby's boyfriend keith in jonathan's life.

last night was this season's showing of this holiday favorite of mine. i was uncertain how i would react to watching this movie this year given that it's central plot point is about finding love with that someone special. i actually did ok, laughing at (and sometimes in anticipation of) my favorite funny moments and there are many (did i mention i love this movie?). naturally, i know most of the dialogue and recited along, particularly since there were no other audience members to annoy. there's a particularly wonderful moment in the movie in which keith shares with jonathan how he first met and fell in love with toby. as part of the story, keith shares that toby went away one summer and the entire time he was gone, keith would climb into toby's backyard and bury objects that reminded keith of toby beneath a big tree. so taken by this is jonathan that he declares that he would give anything to have someone love him that much. "wouldn't we all?" is the thought that immediately came to me upon jonathan's statement of desire.

it's in that moment that i received significant clarity on one point. as much as i am going to do my best to live the perspective that i will do my best to be open to, accept and be satisfied with love in whatever form it comes to me each day, i still long to be special to someone and to have someone be special to me. i'm now pretty certain that desire will never go away; however, the challenge that continues to haunt me is trusting that i will know that experience again especially given that i'm still in the space that i feel (to reprise a lyric shared in another entry) "the only thing love ever does is break and burn and end" (thanks taylor). to want something like this so much and to have doubts it will come to pass is the very definition of hell on earth.

this morning when finishing up this week's grocery shopping, i thought again of that special moment in 24 nights and wondered about my own relationship with michael. "had i not at one time felt special in that relationship,"i asked myself, "and didn't i once have that feeling of 'specialness' about michael?" yes and yes would be the answers to both. but it was in this moment that i saw again that those feelings were from a time much earlier in our relationship and certainly were not characteristic of this last segment of our being together. when you look at the last year or so in particular, i felt as if i was anything but special to michael. i would visit after weeks of separation and you would think i had merely just gone around the corner to pick up so milk such was the level interest and engagement that i received during my visits. there were more than a few times i wondered why i had bothered making the trip at all. and with that i imagine my feelings for him eroded as well.

to be special to someone and to have someone special in your life is indeed a blessed gift. it's actually the only one i've ever really wanted this or any other christmas.

teetering

it's been a rough morning thus far. i woke up kind of groggy and feeling a bit wobbly -- not in terms of physical bearing but rather as if my emotions were teetering between falling on the side of a "good" day or a "bad" day (i put those words in quotes because the reader should be aware they have specific meaning as related to my emotional state rather than what would be the more common connotation that would typically come to mind. "good" days mean that i can get through without any significant feelings of despair or hopelessness -- what i continue to call my "maintaining a level of strain" days. from that description you should be able to tell what a "bad" day is).

and that moving back on this razor thin emotional edge has continued for much of the morning as i've attempted to complete my holiday decorating and get the house in order for the upcoming twelve days of christmas (since becoming catholic -- one thing i have embraced is this concept of christmas lasting for twelve days -- from christmas day to the feast of the epiphany). one minute i'm doing fine setting up a piece of greenery or putting one of my santas (yes, i have a collection. though much reduced since most of it is in the basement in the st. louis house) into place. the next i have this sick feeling in my stomach, am on the verge of tears and all i can think about is retreating (yet again) to my bed.

i'm doing my best to plow through because i would like to have the house ready for the remainder of the season ahead by the end of the weekend. if you have a good thought to spare, please send it my way. i most definitely could use the positive energy.

off the ledge (for now)

it's always a surreal experience when you have an emotional breakdown. all the truths and beliefs to which you've clung are called into doubt and seem to melt away quicker than ice cream on a hot august day. with that foundation gone, it's just one freefall into a deeper hole of depression and despair.

it's as equally strange the day after such an experience. for me, without fail, the first question that emerges is just a declaration of complete mystification. "what was that," i invariably am asking myself. i often have no idea of what pulled me into that space (though i suspect the combination of certain pieces of news, lack of sleep, and forgetting to take my morning dose of medication may have been a factor) nor how i have managed to stabilize (though again taking said forgotten medication, some sleep, and certainly words of encouragement (thanks rjg, sr, and gary) were contributory to my stabilization).

indeed, i do feel better after yesterday's episode. better but not great. i'm hoping a mid-day departure from work for an early start to the weekend will help me get through the two days of the work week next week. then maybe the long extended break that follows allow me to get some rest and more importantly perspective of where my life needs to go from here.

it's on this last point about new perspective though that i'm not very optimistic. i'm not sure with so much uncertainty that i will be able to find much clarity or that i will not be finding myself back on that ledge again. i think i have to hope and wait for more living to do that. god grant me the strength to do so.

confirmation

a note from michael.

hey,

 

i just got an email about the condos at Inverness. Just think, i could be out there now, or rather, the process could be moving along....no desires....just the third floor lovely condos. I miss what could have been.

I wish I was preparing to move rather than what I am doing now.

A little girl is next to me now.

Hugs,

Michael

this day is not going at all well. 

in a spiral

not much to share. a difficult night followed by an even more painful morning. i awoke to a simple statement that reminded me of something that seems to be the culminating truth of all that i've reflected on - i'm a failure at realtionship. i'm a terrible son, terrible partner, terrible lover, terrible friend. please don't try to tell that it's not true. not today. i wouldn't hear you even if you did, even if you wanted to. oh and when a little voice tells you that maybe you shouldn't check your skype this morning, next time listen.

acute affection deprivation disorder

it was another rough night in the clarus65 household (party of one) last evening. at a certain point, i was just curled up on my bed, thinking, "if i could just have someone to hold me right now, even for  just a bit, maybe i would be alright." that palpable need for some physical affection is most definitely not new, but last night it was at its most acute level (at least i hope that was the most acute because i'm not sure i could survive a stronger dose).

the feeling reminded me of my days when i worked in hospitals and i would be walking through the neonatal intensive care units and see the volunteers providing much needed nurturing to prematurely born infants. they often would be sitting in rocking chairs, gently holding those delicate lives in their arms, whispering to them, willing them to hold on to life, assuring them they were loved. i would always be moved by witnessing such a simple but powerful act of intimacy. even as i type this i am affected deeply -- in part because of the nature of the act itself, in part, likely, because i'm still feeling that need for affection myself.

"how could i be in this state so soon," i questioned myself. "i've only been broken up with michael for about a month." it's then that i remembered that part of the reason for the break up is that with very few exceptions over the past five years (and pretty much none in the past year or so)  there was not much physical or emotional intimacy. now granted in that five years, michael and i were only actually together for about half that time and we were not living in the same city during any of that period (for the inquiring mind, during the other half of that time i was not with anyone else. the same cannot be said for michael. catty aside completed, i will continue with this entry).

so with that recollection it became clear that what i am currently experiencing is not a sudden onslaught of this condition. it has likely resulted from five years (or maybe even more) of no significant experience of affection in my life. i am sure what has made it even more acute is the awareness that i have no idea when or even if i will experience this particular form of affection (one wrapped in the form of a male of the species) again in any meaningful way.

a quick google search on the term that came to me for my condition (which serves as the title of this particular entry) revealed that there was no such animal that bore this specific descriptor. however, i did find a "related" condition termed "emotional deprivation disorder." reading through the definition certainly was an eye opening experience as i have struggled with many of the issues that are described in the definition (well, definitely not with kleptomania but that was in the "further symptoms experienced by some" category). while, i'm certainly not ready to self-diagnose myself as having a full blown case of "edd," i can't deny that some of the points made hit uncomfortably close to home.

i thought all the years of therapy i experienced had brought about much of the healing i needed in this area, but i guess there is still work that remains to be done. if that's the case, i still wouldn't mind starting with being held by a sweet, kind guy. anyone have any suggestions?

it feels like i've lost my family

this was the thought that came to me as i was preparing my breakfast this morning. i had just moments earlier seen a message in my email inbox from my mother, indicating she had arrived home safely from her trip to rome (she took a european cruise for thanksgiving). this news got me thinking about the fact that i would not be traveling for the holidays and that i would be here in denver alone.

actually, the more i think about it, this moment of reflection really was not new but rather a continuation of thoughts that i had last evening (a truly dark night of the soul if there ever was one). in them i recalled the things i had grown up believing "family" was all about -- love, acceptance, support, encouragement. and at this time of year, as naive and rather silly as it may sound, i really believed in the idea of the holidays being a special time for families to gather and celebrate.

i then started thinking about how little of that i've experienced in my life and that this year in particular the thought of spending this time with my biological family seemed especially unappealing. it is difficult to live with the understanding that your family doesn't accept who you are and in fact are really opposed to the things you want out of life.

i believe i've shared before that my mother would rather see me alone than with another man. it was a statement made after michael and i had reconciled. i would have to say that over time it has become the singular most painful comment she's ever made to me, and i know the wound is actually still deepening from it rather than healing. now, with the break up with michael (and the loss of a family i thought i was building for the rest of my lifetime), the idea of going to sit and chat and make nice nice with people who would be delighted if they knew of this turn of events is rather unpalatable  (no, i have not shared the break up yet. maybe when i'm in a better emotional state, which at this rate feels like about, well, never).

so for this year, i've sent off my christmas card with a nice fat check and i imagine my mother and the extended family will gather and celebrate together. it will be a nice scene of eating a nice meal, catching up on events, playing bible trivia, etc. they likely will lament that i am not there with maybe a reference or two on what a disappointing son i must be and how it's such a shame about my "lifestyle." a good time should be had by all.

maybe one day i will be able to join them again. i know to do so will require that i be able to tap in to the reservoir of forgiveness and grace that exists for each of us and that we christians believe was the source of the great miracle that we celebrate at this time of year. it is certainly something to hope for and aspire to. maybe one day, i will. sadly, that day is most definitely not today.

a case of the weepies

you never know when they're going to strike. for me it was standing in line at qdoba. filled with families, friends, and couples likely taking a quick food break from their holiday shopping, seeing as this particular franchise location is right across from one of our area's most popular malls. people excitedly chatting, laughing, smiling all while enjoying some fast food tex mex. it was a nice scene.

and then all of sudden, i was overcome with a case of the weepies. it started with a full wave of sadness, followed by a deep feeling of acute aloneness, and culminated with that familiar feeling of slight water pressure in my eyes, threatening to overflow but contained by a combination of self-will and a weariness of such depth that even crying seems to be too much effort.

it's scary when you're in that place emotionally that you have no idea how, when or where the weepies might come about. it makes it difficult to avoid them and can be the cause for some disconcerting interactions. i got them in the cab once, and i keep imagining that the cab driver was wondering why a simple declaration that i was going to the airport would elicit such an emotional reaction (then again it was a cabbie, so i imagine he's pretty much seen it all).

yesterday was a particularly strange case. i had finished yesterday's blog entry (which i thought was one of my better recent ones) and had just begun christmas decorating when i realized that i needed batteries for the pre-lit greenery that i place on the outside of the house. i stopped into the qdoba on my way back from stocking up on said batteries at the nearby home depot to grab some quick take out. prior to the stop i was feeling pretty ok. following, not so much.

when i got home i did manage to finish decorating the outside of the house (fortunately, i've gone pretty simple these days -- a wreath on the door, some swags on the outside lanterns and a garland draped on the outside railing and i'm done), but that effort took all the spare reserves of energy and enthusiasm that i had. i heated up my take out naked burrito, finished it, took a shower and climbed into bed all by the late night hour of 6 p.m. -- all the while the weepies lingered and shadowed my every action.

and today? pretty much more of the same. still a little tired, subdued, and definitely, most assuredly, weepy.

if only . . . .

it's the beginning of a series of thoughts many of us have when we're experiencing a life-altering experience, particularly one that we wish had not or did not have to have occurred. "if only i had done  this or that differently..." "if only i had been more aware..." "if only i knew then what i know now...." it's this last one that i've been pondering quite a bit lately along with it's fantasy corollary, "if only i could go back in time and make a different choice." i suppose it's natural to have these thoughts at the end of a problematic relationship. i know even in the midst of my relationship with michael, whenever severe challenges came, there was one pivotal night that i always went back to and wondered what would life be like if i had made a different choice.

the night took place a couple of months into our relationship and began innocently enough. michael and i met up for dinner and afterward made plans to go out with friends to a local piano bar that was a favorite of michael's. a nice dinner followed by visiting with friends on the outdoor patio of a fun hangout -- what could be better? well, as the evening progressed, michael had decided that what would make his evening a fun one would be to have whatever his favorite alcoholic beverage at the time happened to be (i'm guessing it was a cosmopolitan) and as much of it as possible.

as the evening progressed, michael became increasingly "physically" demonstrative. now you might think that my issue was some kind of discomfort with pda, but actually it was the fact that the gestures weren't loving and affectionate, but rather clumsy and inappropriately aggressive and very unlike how michael was under less alcohol influenced circumstances. i did my best to nicely and politely maneuver away from the scenario, but there eventually came the moment i had to tell him enough was enough. he wasn't happy about that and he pouted for much of the remainder of our time at the bar. i thought my drawing boundaries put an end to the matter and that we would have a more pleasant rest of the evening. seeing as i view this as a pivotal moment in our relationship, i'm thinking you already know that i was (as i would be in similar moments throughout the relationship) wrong.

when we got back to my place, no sooner than i had closed the door, michael lit into me with a tirade of verbal abuse that i literally had never experienced from another human being in my life up to that time. he went on for what seemed to be forever but was likely no more than 10 or 15 minutes. when he was done, he slumped down on the couch and passed out. i went over to the stairs, climbed up a few and sat there looking at him for quite some time in kind of a stunned silence. when my thoughts started coming to me, they were of the variety of, "what have i gotten myself into? this is not what i signed up for. maybe i need to end it now before i'm in this too deep."after awhile, i calmed down a bit and reasoned that if i wanted the relationship to go the distance i needed to learn that you can't run at the first sign of trouble or difficulty. and so i stuck with it.

over the course of the next several years, i learned that michael's challenges with alcohol would not be isolated to that evening and would result in significant further challenges in our relationship that would result in the first two break-ups (given the particular context of this story, let's say we suspend the drinking game for this one entry, shall we?). it may have even played a small part in this latest one as i realized not too long ago that despite his insistence that he had no need for alcohol, i learned (by finding the trunk of his car filled with wine bottles) that michael and alcohol were still entwined in their unfortunate relationship.

in any event, i have been thinking again about that fateful night. what if i had chose differently? what if i could indeed travel back in time and visit my past self, shake him and say, "run, don't walk out of this relationship as soon and as fast as you can!"? what if indeed.

now the conventional wisdom that we've all been given is that you should never want to change an event in your past because you have no idea how that may have contributed to the person you've become today. i've certainly lived my life with that belief but today i've been wondering, "is that really true in all cases?"

what about the person with a lifelong smoking habit that's just been diagnosed with lung cancer? would it really be so terrible for him to be able to go back and tell his teenage self to not pick up the habit? what about the girl who finds herself with an unwanted pregnancy? Would it be that horrible if she went back, and even if she couldn't dissuade her "just a few weeks ago" self that sex with this guy could wait that she could at least make sure her earlier self made the boy use a condom? or what about even michael? what if he could go back and tell himself not to bother with alcohol because it would only bring about needless difficulties? what would that have done for his life? what would it have done for our life together?

there is this wonderful episode of the television series, star trek: the next generation (still, to date, my favorite incarnation of the star trek anthology) entitled tapestry (so wonderful in fact that i see in the wikipedia entry i've linked you to, the episode was ranked by entertainment weekly as the fourth best episode of that entire seven year long series). i won't go into details because you have a link to the synopsis (but i would recommend seeing if it's on netflix or hulu first and actually watching the episode. you won't be sorry that you did). within it captain jean-luc picard is given the opportunity to make a different choice related to a pivotal moment in his own life. the choice has profound ramifications on his present day life, and i've always looked at that episode as an affirmation of what i stated earlier in this entry as the conventional wisdom view that it is better to leave the past alone. in thinking about this episode earlier today, i did pose the question in my own mind, "but what about the scenarios i raised where it might indeed be a good thing to go back and change the past?"

then i thought of what is the pivotal message from the tapestry episode -- that our lives are indeed like physical tapestries, which likely have many loose and frayed ends. you may try to remove one, but you have no idea if that one will cause the whole thing to come unraveled. it's not about the fact that maybe going back in time may make our lives better or worse than they are today. it's about the fact that you can't know what past event is connected to which of the infinite other varieties of ways in which your life would have proceeded from that moment. and when dealing with infinite choices, maybe it's better to deal with the one choice we have in our lives today -- "to do our best, to give our love, and to be good to our troop"  (to borrow from a favorite quote from an unlikely source).

hmm, i managed to write something positive in outlook during this time of life. maybe, there is something to this idea of christmas being the season of miracles.

crawling towards christmas

i've made no secret over the past couple of weeks that i'm really struggling this holiday season. i know the reason for said struggle is that i'm despondent and depressed and that runs so counter to how everyone at least attempts to act in this season of hope and joy. i also believe the reason is that i have always loved christmas and have gotten way into it over the years. so to feel the way i do at what has been traditionally been my favorite time of years makes this whole experience even more painful.

i woke up this morning feeling less than perky. actually, i felt like i'd been run over by a truck, dragged for six blocks over broken glass and then thrown in a briar patch filled with rattlesnakes. or as i put it to a friend, "it feels like i have a hangover without all the fun stuff beforehand." the worst part was that i needed to get up and get some provisions from the grocery store cause the cupboards were getting bare. now i hate going grocery shopping when i'm feeling hale and hearty. this i knew was going to be challenging. but off i went.

when i got there, i noticed the florist section was filled with all kinds of christmas greenery. i've been debating whether i wanted to go through the bother of decorating this season with usually the con side winning, but this time i thought i'd just go take a quick look see in case maybe i'd see something i liked and be inspired. well, as it turns out, there were a few things i liked, and before i knew it, half my cart was filled with centerpieces, flowers, and even a little cypress christmas tree that came with tiny lights and some ornaments. i thought, "that's a beginning."

when i got back home and all the groceries were put away. i went down to the storage area in my garage and found my collection of christmas music (over 80 cd's -- i told you i got way into christmas) and movies (only about a dozen or so of my all time favorites). i brought them upstairs and set them on the counter next to the floral decorations. and then i thought, "well that's another step."

and then fatigue and a wave of sadness swept over me. as much as i have loved christmas, it was always a problematic time for me and the former spousal unit. as much as i leaned into the spirit of the season, he seemed to distance himself from it. as you can imagine, this was the cause of much tension in our household. it was strange. he never was all that interested in the lead up to christmas but once the day arrived then he didn't want that one day to end. memories of all those christmases past really suck the life out of me. and this time was no different.

so here i am in bed again. i am hoping that some additional rest for this weary mind and soul will result in my getting a little more motivation. maybe before the weekend is out, i'll hang a wreath on the door. i'm not setting my sites on anything much more. as the saying goes, "you have to crawl before you can walk."

sick day

as tends to happen, my emotional angst has now taken physical form, and i am out on a sick day today. in the first two years i've been with this organization, i didn't take a single day off for illness (though, in all honesty, there have been days that i could have but still managed to will myself in to the office because of some meeting or project that needed my attention). unfortunately, as can be gathered from this past week's entry, neither the spirit or the flesh are willing to do much more than lie in my bed and see if that leads to some semblance of recovery.

last night in particular was a very challenging evening. i struggled through a chat with s.r. as he attempted to be rational and reassuring about what i was experiencing, and i was anything but (i have to admit i am impressed given his own condition post-holiday party enjoyment). he tried valiantly. and while i appreciate the effort, i'm afraid there has been no discernible improvement in my disposition (and on top of it i had severe stomach issues for much of the night).

"things will get better" is the reassurance that s.r. and others have given me. the problem is from where i sit today, in at least one fundamental area of my life, things haven't gotten better. for years i hoped for a positive, affirming, healthy, intimate, loving relationship. i got a relationship, but at it's core it was none of those things for me. and twelve years later, the desire remains the same, but my belief and optimism about its prospects for being fulfilled in my life have all but diminished.

so on that note, it's time to pop another pepto tablet, crawl back under the covers, pull them over my head and see if more sleep can do what encouragement and advice have failed to accomplish. someone wake me up when my life is better.

the multiplier effect

today is really, really not a good day. i forget the kind of multiplier effect a deep depression has on my emotions. any disappointment that under normal emotional circumstances would be remedied and moved past with a night's sleep not only remains but echoes deeply in the heart. any perceived slight becomes a significant indictment on my value as a friend, my potential as being special to someone else, my worth as a human being.

[a quick aside: interestingly enough, depression doesn't have the same magnification dynamic with good or positive moments. in fact it tends to mute or mitigate them -- like a black hole bending and absorbing any light that enters into it. not that i've had many positive moments in the last few weeks. then again, given the diminishment that my current emotional state produces to such moments, maybe i wouldn't recognize it if i did have one.]

my experiences over the last several days have served as profound reminders of this effect. and the voices of self-doubt have been hammering away at my soul. today in particular they come, to use a familiar quote, "not as single spies but in battalions." here's a sampling of what i'm dealing with (please note that the all of the "he" references do not apply to one individual):

he's not really interested in being your friend. he's just being polite.

you gave him what he wanted and now he's done with you.

you foolishly fell for lines and now you've been used and discarded.

he never intended to meet up with you.

he's just distancing himself from you, hoping you will finally catch the hint and stop bothering him.

you're broken, what guy would want to be your friend?

just give up already

the voices aren't new. i've dealt with them many times before and likely will continue to do so in other times to come. but again, just because something is not new doesn't mean it's still not really difficult. i still want to scream and cry and find a dark room and curl up and wish the world would go away -- wish i could go away. i don't want to talk with or deal with anyone. and as i'm sure i've recounted on this blog, my natural instinct in this kind of situation is to disconnect from what my heart perceives as the sources of pain. but i keep trying to lean in, desperately hoping to prove that the voices are wrong.

but, today, i know that i'm losing that mental debate. today, i feel the "voices" are spot on and that i am a stupid little boy who foolishly believes that life is good, that love is there for me, that i can ever be happy despite all of the "evidence" to the contrary.

each day i feel like my soul is fracturing and the sad thing is i don't know if i want to pull back together or just completely fall apart. but i continue to dissemble for those around me (even in this recent moment as my assistant came in to ask me some questions and catch up a bit. i smiled and laughed even if the smile had no more to it then the movement of facial muscles and the laughter just reverberated through the emptiness that i feel inside). i'm truly not sure how long i can continue to do it though.

i would say that i need a change but that phrase just reminds me of a particular moment that was nice. a moment that i thought i connected with another human soul. a moment that i now question if it was real or illusory, true or delusional, promise or passing. i don't know anymore. i just don't know.

can't we just get this over with already

this is one of those really slow moving kind of weeks. one of those weeks where you wake up (as i did this morning) and think, "omg! i can't believe it's only wednesday!" but they call wednesday "hump" day for a reason. at least i think the reason is that it's the pivotal day of the work week where once you get past it, it's a more rapid downhill coast to (and unfortunately through) the weekend.

i've actually been feeling that kind of feeling that time is plodding along at much too slow a pace this entire holiday season. some days it feels like the very air is made of molasses and that even my simple movements from place to place are happening in slow motion.

what's interesting about experiencing this particular phenomenon is it pretty much puts me in tune with the spirit of the season. well, the spirit that is shared by the youngest members of our population. i'm sure you remember the feeling as a child of it seeming to take forever for it to be december 25th or for chanukah or kwanza or diwali or whatever your main seasonal celebration is to arrive. many children right now are experiencing this same type of tortuously slow march (for them to their favorite moment of the year) as i am. the difference is that, in my case, i'm just wanting this season to pass quickly because there is nothing more challenging than being sad and alone at a time when everyone expects you to be happy and celebratory.

with that thought in mind, there is a specific challenge i've been experiencing this year. since i tend to be a somewhat private person, i haven't really told many folks that michael and i are no longer together (i also don't particularly feel like reminding people that we have broken up yet again ... and yes, go ahead and have some libation, but that's going to be it for this particular entry). however, i'm also not one to avoid the truth, so i've had to deal with people asking me what i'm doing for the holidays, usually in the form of, "are you going to st. louis?" the worst part is they inquire with this joyful countenance filled with the anticipation of the reuniting of two lovers at this "most wonderful time of year." and then i get to make like the grinch and tell them not only will i not be going to st. louis for the holidays, i won't be going back to st. louis to see michael ever ("like ever" to quote a lyric from a recently posted song). and invariably the look that comes across their faces is as if i told them, "oh, there isn't going to be a christmas this year!"

another difference that i have from the dear little rugrats is that i have to get past not one but two humps this season -- christmas is one thing, but for adults who are alone, new year's eve is a whole 'nother issue. now, i've not been a big new year's person, even when coupled, yet somehow, when de-coupled, it looms like this occasion that seems to exist solely to mock my singlehood. "you thought you felt alone before," says the spirit of the evening, "wait until you get an eyeful of all of those folks that are celebrating with someone on tv, and you just know i'm going to make sure that they focus the cameras on the couples that are kissing at midnight (cue maniacal laughter)." i think this year may call for actual alcohol rather than the sparkling grape juice that i usually get. maybe i can get so intoxicated that i either am completely anesthetized from feeling anything or i fall asleep prior to midnight and awaken in the morning. sure there may be some side effects to deal with, but some sacrifices have to be made in the name of avoiding painful emotional experiences.

who knows? maybe things will get better (though i literally just got some unfortunate news that have quashed my tentative travel plans for january, which means "happy" f***ing birthday to me, so maybe not). well, it looks like this winter rather than this holiday season may be my gauntlet to get through. anyone, want to take a wager on the spring?

i did this to myself

one of the most challenging realities to deal with post-relationship break-up is that, if you were the instigator of said break-up (as i have been multiple times -- ok that's a shot for you -- please refer to yesterday's blog entry if you are clueless about that reference), you come to realize that you are the cause of the sadness and depression with which you are currently struggling. now i'm sure that there are people who feel more relief or happiness or ecstasy after breaking up with someone, but that has not been my experience at all.

in my particular case, the "i did this to myself" feeling is not strictly or even primarily related to the break-up itself. for me, the larger issue is that the emotion i am struggling with now has its foundation in the fact that i went back repeatedly to michael (and there's another drink), thinking somehow things would turn out differently. there are moments in fact when i question why i stayed in the relationship prior to the first break-up (yeah, go ahead and swig) as long as i did. hope springs eternal i suppose. yes, but clearly so does stupidity.

it may sound as if i'm being hard on myself (and i likely am. it's one of the things i do best). still, i've been to the this place before (ok, maybe i should have instituted the drinking game after this entry), and with each time (drink), i am even more both perplexed and annoyed that i am here. yet again (chug), i find myself dealing with feeling alone and fearful for my future prospects.

i know i've shared before that it is perhaps my obsessive focus on being in a relationship that was probably the driver to my going back again and again to michael (you know what to do), but if the days that have transpired since closing the final chapter on that relationship have revealed anything to me, it is the fact that having love in my life is important. sharing my life with someone is important. caring for and supporting someone else is important. having someone who cares, supports and believes in me is important.

hmm, i just re-read that last paragraph and while all of that may be true, reading it again made me realize one more thing. i feel so broken and vulnerable that the idea of trying again with someone scares the hell out of me. and who in the world wants something that's broken? i am unsure of my own judgement in choosing the right person, and i doubt my capability to even be a good partner. again, this does not exactly describe the kind of person who is destined for love in his life.

so here i am at christmas time. alone. again (that's one for the road). there's snow on the ground. it may look like a winter wonderland and it is indeed a beautiful sight, but i doubt i will be happy tonight (or for many to come).

dead inside (again)

there are times when i sit down to write in this blog that i'm not exactly sure what i'm going to write about. it's at those times that i just ask myself one basic question, "well, how are you feeling right now?" as is probably obvious from this entry's title, the answer to this question is i'm not really feeling anything.

this is a phenomenon that i am not unaccustomed to. after particularly intense emotional periods, i go through a phase in which my feeling receptors are down for the count. i liken this particular experience to the scenario of keeping your hand on an open burner of a stove. if one were even able to keep his/her hand in place, the individual would find that either he/she would eventually pass out from the pain or the nerve endings in the hand would be destroyed and he/she would no longer feel anything. both reactions are a sign of a simple fact. the body will endure so much pain before it shuts down.  the same is as true for mental anguish as it is for physical pain.

this past weekend was a time of pretty significant mental assault as i struggled with many difficult and, at times, even conflicting emotions. by the time, i went to bed last night, i felt like i had run a marathon -- on my knees. i had hoped i would awaken in a better frame of mind. i did not.

as i've stated before, my relationship with michael has provided me with a few opportunities to know what the break-up experience is like (quick aside: i'm wondering if i should start making this a drinking game? every time i mention or allude to the fact that michael and i have broken up multiple times, you get to take a shot of your favorite drink). as a result, what i am experiencing is by no means novel. as i've also shared before, that fact doesn't make it any easier.

in fact, this time seems to be the hardest of all. i'm older, in an area where i don't have any friends, in a job that requires more of my attention, engagement and energy than at any time in my career (and by the way, i'm getting even more accountability and responsibility heading my way after the first of the year), and i have no clue as to what i even want from life. this is not a recipe for encouragement or optimism.

hmm, i've been staring at the wall for the last few minutes between typing the last sentence and this one, thinking facetiously that maybe i should have entitled this entry, "my life is so f***ed!" and just when i thought maybe i was done feeling anything for awhile, i am and it's not good. i guess there are a few nerve endings still working. for now.

when is it your turn...?

the interesting thing about creating a blog entry title is that, as the author, i'm pretty clear as to what i am making reference. it's only after typing in the title and seeing it written on the virtual page that i realize the title alone can create expectations for the reader of a completely different entry than i had in mind. i think you see where this is going.

to set the stage for today's entry, the "your" in today's title does not refer to me. it actually is a reference to another interior dialogue conversation i was having. this time it was between myself and the abstraction of two particular individuals.

following the discourse described in yesterday's entry, i ambled my way to the kitchen to make a quick meal (even though i wasn't particularly hungry given my emotional state following said discourse). well, the reflective mindset was still with me, and i began to think about s.r., who i had a texting dialogue with earlier in the evening, and an even newer friend that i was anticipating chatting with later that same night (let's call him "austin," at least for now). over the past days and weeks, i have been grateful for and enjoying both of these primarily online-based friendships. both guys are smart, witty, charming, and kind. they've both been supportive and been willing to put up with my emotional angst (i would imagine that knowing that if things got too deep one could always just turn off the computer is at least some comfort with respect to the latter).

anyway, i started thinking about and literally picturing these two guys in my mind (well, at the time, in austin's case, i was picturing what i imagined he looked like as i had not yet had the opportunity to get a visual. this was corrected later that same evening. i should probably mention now that both s.r. and austin are also pretty easy on the eyes. that's always a plus in my book even if most of your conversation takes place via instant messaging and texting). as i reflected on the nice moments i had shared with each, the contemplation took an unexpected turn. in the midst of this slight reverie, this thought came to mind, "i wonder when is it your turn to hurt me?"

while that thought coming at that particular moment was "unexpected," it was not at all surprising. the moment served as a reminder of what i tend to think of as both an unfortunate aspect of my psyche and a cosmic situational irony. it's a simple fact that while i have spent years coming to an acceptance of my identity as a gay man and have embraced that i desire emotional and physical intimacy with men, the fact still remains that in my heart, i really (really) struggle with trusting other men.

years of previous therapy have helped me learn that the source of this lack of trust is the fact that my father was never a part of my life. because of that lack of relationship, every other relationship i have with a male of the species, it could be a friendship, dating relationship, or, as in michael's case, a life partnership, is shadowed by the expectation that one day sooner or later this guy will hurt me deeply because that's what men who are supposed to care about you and love you do. they hurt you and then they leave, often never to return.

you know what's funny is i've shared this area of brokenness in me with the various guys who have been in my life (i even shared it with austin that same night and i imagine i will likely steer s.r. to this particular entry to share it with him as well). to a person each of them has encouraged me to be open and to trust them (in fact, just the words "you can trust me" often makes me weepy) and it's after i have that almost to a person the moment i dread happens and my heart breaks just a little bit more (sometimes A LOT bit more).

i think i should take this point to clarify at least one point. never, ever do i believe that any guy that i know or have known has intentionally set out to hurt me. in the same way that i know i have hurt people and it was not at all my intention to do so. in fact, it is the very last thing that i (and i imagine they) would ever want to do.

i guess at the heart of it, even with therapy, i still do harbor some remnants of the hurtful conclusion that i reached as a child. if my father left, never to see me again (save that one memory i recounted in the entry am i my father's son?) then, well, there must be something deeply wrong with me. i must be flawed or broken in some way that caused him to leave and not want to see me again.

now, you can tell me that the problem was not mine, it was his and i will agree with you. as with so many other perspectives i've shared over the course of this past week, my logical, rational mind will agree. i'm not sure that i will ever reach the point though that i will believe it completely. we all have our issues to work with and through and this is one of mine.

i guess the fact is that if i carry even the tiniest sense that there is something so wrong with me that it resulted in the man that had a pivotal role in creating me and bringing me into this world to reject me,  then it really shouldn't be a surprise to me that i carry the fear that no man will really ever want me. s.r. has often shared with me that fear is never a good thing and should not be listened to. again, i agree -- with my head.

u-turns

after writing yesterday's blog entry, i kept having one of those nagging feelings that i was somehow missing something. i think what triggered that feeling was the song that i had posted at the end of the entry. it is at its heart a hopeful song about the fact that, though the break-up of a relationship is painful, love can "begin again" with someone new.

this message is consistent with other encouragements that i've gotten from friends and work colleagues. and in all of the cases in which this type of support has been proffered, i've nodded and agreed. at least i've agreed with the intellectual/rational side of me. "after all, no circumstance continues on in the same way indefinitely," i've reasoned. i think it was last night, after hearing that particular song once again, that it occurred to me that while i've "agreed" with the encouragements that this situation would get better, i haven't actually yet "believed" it in my heart.

this recognition naturally triggered a conversation in my mind with one of my internal observer/critics. i've commented before on the internal voice that is often the source of much derision and ridicule. the one i had my interior dialogue with last night is the one that tends to come and pull the missing pieces together, bringing clarity to my befuddled mind. being a spiritual person, i believe that this particular voice is the spirit that god has shared with each of us to provide wisdom, inspiration, and close companionship along life's journey. even with this perspective, i wish i could say that clarity always equals news that sets my mind at ease because it's pretty much an equal probability that  the revelation will bring even more sadness with it.

"why in the world am i having such a difficult time being optimistic that life will get better in this particular situation," i asked myself. "my goodness, it's the third time (still another groan) that i've broken up with michael," i continued exasperated. "it's not as if i haven't been in this exact same space before." this is when the internal observer/critic made a simple point.

"yes, it's true you've been here before. however, each time, you've resolved the issue of the pain of being alone that has resulted from your breaking it off with michael by going back to him. rather than moving forward to see what other opportunities life may have for you, you've repeatedly made u-turns back to the same place you came from to solve the problem." (cue the definition of insanity now).

"no wonder you don't believe that the situation will improve," my observer continued. "you've never experienced that improvement before. and now, with your clear recognition that the bridge back to michael is gone, you know the one solution that you've used to at least bring temporary relief to your heartache is no longer available to you and now you find yourself in completely unfamiliar territory." and that was that. i had my answer.

so remember how i shared that such clarity of perspective has as much chance of bringing sadness as it does to bring relief. yeah, well, i hope you put your money on sadness for the win. i was in a pretty melancholy mood for much of the rest of the evening, resulting in some additional "interesting" thoughts on life as i know it now. i'll save that for tomorrow in an entry that right now i'm thinking will be entitled, "when is it going to be your turn?" until then, stay safe and warm.

you are home

yesterday, i shared a moment, part of which involved my reflecting on the differences in my life this year versus last year. a similar moment happened a few days earlier specifically related to thoughts about this holiday season and christmas a year ago. this moment of reflection occurred as i was leaving work and noticing the holiday decorations that had been put up over the thanksgiving weekend that were now everywhere in our office building. seeing the wreaths, garlands, and light covered trees reminded me that this christmas was certainly going to be a different experience than last christmas, which i spent with michael.

"last year," i thought, "i went home for christmas." no sooner than that thought finished, the following realization came to me, "clarus, you are home." and with that, it became clear that as a result of the ending of my relationship with michael, i was no longer a person with two abodes, one of which i thought of as my family home and the other as my residence related to work. the latter was now one and the same.

certainly, there was a bit of sadness that came with this revelation. any loss tends to evoke that feeling. yet, at least this time, i also had a sense of the potential this new situation provided. maybe now i could finally start "settling in" here in denver, rather than have one foot here and one in st. louis. maybe now, with both feet anchored in what is frankly my preferred locality of the two (for more insight on that perspective, please take a look at the entry, stopover), i could actually have a solid foundation upon which to build a life for myself.

it was a nice moment, but brief, as i then started to realize and become intimidated by all that was entailed in actually building that life. i was also more than a little saddened by a memory of having similar thoughts when michael, and i had first committed to one another. twelve years later i was starting (what at least felt like) completely over. what assurances did i have that the attempts to forge a life here would just be more of the same fruitless effort as the twelve years before? none really and my heart sank just a bit further down.

in the song begin again that ends taylor swift's album red, there is this particularly poignant lyric that continues to echo in my heart and speaks very much to how i feel now, "i've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn and end ...." and as actually hopeful that song is, the one difference for me is that i can't begin to imagine that eight months will be the statute of limitations with respect to my own doubts about love.

untethered

last night i had a moment where this feeling of being disconnected came over me again. this time though it was not as much about being disconnected from people as it was from ideals and beliefs that i have previously held.

i was in the kitchen, microwaving a healthy choice meal, and my mind started wandering to thoughts about how i was feeling in the midst of this holiday season, how different my life is now than this time last year, and what would life look like one year or more hence. with that last point, thoughts and images of what i hoped life would look like, specifically in terms of being in a relationship, started to enter my mind. as they did, i started questioning, "is that what i can really expect for my life? is that even what i really want for my life?" the mere appearance of that line of questioning made me realize that i've lost some of my bearing and connection to a long-held belief about what i believed was important and essential to being happy in life -- having a life partner.

now i've explored that i've been questioning this ideal previously in this blog. i think the revelation last night was more about the fact that i had nothing to replace that long-held desire with. this truly evoked the sense of being cast adrift into unknown territiory, completely uncertain of where i might land and that brought about a deep sadness.

This situation reminds of a scene from the story alice in wonderland that i've used a few times in planning meetings over my professional career. it's a dialogue between alice and the cheshire cat and goes as follows:

"would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?"

"that depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

"i don't much care where," said alice

"then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat

now i've used this as an illustration of the belief that if you have no sense of where you want to go (a goal or desired future state) then it's going to be very difficult to craft a plan to get you there. and i still maintain that belief if only for the reason that it is the foundation of much of my work, and well, promulgating that belief is what keeps me gainfully employed as a planner and strategist. then again, the saying that "life is what happens while we're busy making plans" comes to mind, and i realize that a certain amount of openness to the fact that life is not solely a planned experience is required if we're (i'm) going to be able to maintain any sense of sanity with what comes our (my) way.

so what does this all mean? i'm not really sure i have a clear idea. maybe the sadness is really the sense of mourning that is brought about by any loss in life --  even of an ideal. and the feeling of being untethered is the natural by-product as disconcerting as that is. maybe my concern stems from the fact that in matters of life and love, we are often encouraged to "let your heart be your guide," and that, looking at the somewhat battered and bruised condition of mine these days, i'm not encouraged as to how far i will get if i do.

heart over head

when i was younger i tended to wear my heart on my sleeve. every joy, every slight, every achievement and every disappointment was felt deeply and intensely. now, if you've  been even a casual reader of this blog, you may be thinking that that acorn has definitely not fallen even a micrometer from that tree here in my mid-life. you might be right to a degree. what is different is, because of the power of the emotions i've felt, in large part due to changes in my emotional makeup, i've at least tucked my heart to the underside of my sleeve and put a sweater over my shirt.

how so? well, in the past i'd say if i had a feeling, i pretty much trusted it as gospel and went with it. as tends to be the case with most of us when we are young, i believed my feelings to be an entirely accurate reflection of reality and then i would act accordingly; however, as i shared in the entry brain chemistry , with the onset of bouts of acute depression that began in my early adult years, i started seeing that how i was feeling might not be the best barometer for what was taking place and certainly should not guide how i should react in kind (this is a very good thing because i am certain i would not be around today to type this blog. you all do think that is a good thing, right?). so over the years, i've tried to bring much more of my head, i.e., logic, to thinking through a situation and much less of my heart.

now to the male readers of this blog, there is probably a strong resonance with that approach (to the female readers, please do not read that as my stating that women are over-emotional or incapable of applying logic to a situation. i'm just saying that most men, at least in western culture, are guided to eschew feelings in favor of logic). there are times however that the heart should rule over the head. this entry is about one such occasion.

i'm not sure if i've shared here that last year michael and i entered into a civil union (which does beg the question that in the dissolution of such a relationship, is that called an "uncivil disengagement"?). i am leaving the particulars to undoing that specific matter to michael, primarily (and likely unfairly) because i feel like he's the one that got us into that mess in the first place.

you see, when we discussed getting back together, michael indicated that he wanted a real commitment in the form of a marriage or civil union. we discussed it over the month or so that followed and next thing i knew we were off to a courthouse in a neighboring state to get our license. truth be told, i was fine with the relationship as it was and the closer we got to the actual day, the more uncertain i became about taking that next step. this is when my head kicked in.

"you're just nervous. you've said you wanted to be with michael for the rest of your life. you told him you would do this. plus, what would it say to him if you told him that you didn't want to make this kind of commitment?" what would it say indeed? perhaps that, while i cared for michael, even then i was not completely certain if the relationship would work and that maybe involving courts and judges and legal paperwork was not the action to be taking just yet? so i pushed my feelings to the side, went with the logic and now i'm left with just one more thing to do to be completely out of the relationship (btw, i got further confirmation of maybe this wasn't the right thing to do when our after the event meal was a trip to a burger joint and that night we watched a movie and went to sleep. yes, no wedding night. and i should add here that one of the problems we've had was that there haven't been any "wedding nights" for quite some time. just sayin'.)

it's a tricky balance going with your head vs. your heart. and maybe the secret is to stop seeing them as adversaries and start making them allies. let emotion make the rational decision more meaningful and memorable. let reason inform the emotional choice so that it is sound and consequences have been thought through. that might be the ticket. what i do know for certain is that when determining whether or not to do anything that concerns making vows to another person, please be sure that your heart is in it somewhere.

moving beyond the zone of blame

there comes a time following a break-up where you just reach the point of getting tired of asking the questions -- why did it end? what did we do wrong? why did things change? why didn't things get better? should i have tried harder? what's wrong with me? i think i'm getting pretty close to that point now.

my sense of my proximity comes from a moment that i had yesterday in which the same type of questions came to mind and my reaction was, "i'm not really sure i care any more about finding the definitive answers. the reality is you're alone, it sucks and you're just going to have to do your best to deal with it (btw, i often go back and forth between first and second person when i think to myself. if you think that's scary, imagine how i feel. i live in this space)."

the reason i think i'm not quite out of the zone is that i do find myself still entertaining some of the "searching for an explanation" questions. i likely never will be rid of them completely. something will remind me of michael and that will prompt at least a question or two of the "what exactly happened" variety. what will lessen is the heartache that right now has been so acutely palpable.

the thing about moving beyond the zone of blame, at least in my case, is while i may be losing one set of questions, other more challenging ones still remain -- what happens next? will i meet someone? how do i meet someone?  can i trust my own judgement in who is right for me?  do i really want to be with someone else? will any new relationship just end in the same way? am i any good at relationships? and on, and on, and on, and on.

questions in of themselves are good things. they mean we want to learn, to avoid the same mistakes, to get better at what we do and who we are. questions are indeed good things. still, answers are even better.

have a nice day

it's a simple statement -- a brief extension of kindness to friend and stranger alike that the coming events of the day will be good ones. i work at an office with what i believe is a lovely custom of people making that statement to one another as they get off the elevator on that first ride in the morning. someone made this statement to me today and i had this sense that deep in my heart it will be awhile before the fulfillment of those words of encouragement is possible again.

missing someone (and not)

i know this is going to sound completely silly but i kinda miss you....

those are the words i wrote in an instant message several nights ago. it was one of those moments of open reflection that tend to catch me by surprise. the moment where i find myself saying or, in the case of online chats, writing something at the same time i'm thinking it. it's surprising as i, more often than not, tend to laboriously mull over emotionally weighted thoughts before expressing them, if i even choose to do so. the decision about whether to share or not is usually indirectly proportional to how of open and vulnerable to embarrassment or emotional pain the revelation will make me.

except in the case of the open reflection, where words just fly out before i've really fully processed them. in such a case the general first reaction is to cringe and castigate myself for sharing something so, well, honest (i am nothing if not my own best tormentor or is that worst?). and then the words tend to just hang there as i await a response.

such was the case this particular evening. transcripts show that it was actually exactly 30 minutes before i got a response (a winking smiley face). now that's a long wait for anyone. for me it felt more like the amount of time i would imagine it would take me to walk from here to new york and back. in fact, about seven minutes after, i myself wrote the retort, "and apparently i was correct" (tormentor: 1, open/vulnerable self: 0 ).

now for those of you who have been following this blog over the past few weeks, you are probably thinking that i wrote those words to michael, my ex. and if that was your thought, you would be wrong. those words were actually written to s.r. (formally known as my new friend).

let's take a break for a moment to set some context, i met s.r. through an online venue we both frequent. we would run into each other every so often and chat for a bit. we'd send an occasional email back and forth. then the chatting became more regular. and then the idea of maybe meeting face to face some day occurred. so through a combination of planning and coincidence, we've actually had the opportunity to meet in person a couple of times. and in all honesty, i'm a bit smitten with him. it does need to be noted that "being smitten" is a phenomenon that has likely occurred with every friend i've made (male or female) since i was a teenager. given my specific proclivities, i will admit that the feelings tend to be stronger with the males, but eventually they adjust to the proper perspective. now, back to the main focus of this particular entry (yes, there is actually a point or two to be made).

i was reminded of sharing the particular phrase that opens this entry following a quick bout of texting with s.r. yesterday.  i could tell that i had one of those "goofy grins" on my face when i got done and that i had that missing him feeling again. so, of course, the tormentor immediately stepped in with, "you do know it's ridiculous that you're having these feelings? you don't even know him really." and with that i thought this entry was going to be entitled "missing someone you don't really know."

it does indeed feel silly to miss someone you don't really know. particularly when you suspect that to the other person, you may be someone that he finds to be pleasant company, but otherwise you don't really occupy much of their waking thoughts. yet, silly or not, the fact is i do kinda miss him, and i'll just have to let those emotions run their course.

so that was going to be the sole focus of today's entry until i had a more sobering moment of reflection later in the day. i was driving to a haircut appointment listening to taylor swift's most recent album red. i am learning this is the perfect post-break up album as it has quite a few songs about the challenges of relationships, however, as i was listening to songs like all too well and i almost do, the thought struck me of "why don't i feel any of this emotion for my break-up with michael?" i mean i literally did not feel one bit of pain about missing michael. i then started trying to think of things that i missed about being with him. i came up completely empty. there was not one event, moment, conversation, experience that i could think of. and that's when my heart really sank.

"omg. what have i been doing for this past year plus?!!" is the exact thought that came to mind later in the evening as i contemplated the startling revelation from that late afternoon drive. and then a corollary thought to the morning's reflection came to me, "what does it mean when you don't miss someone that you do really, really know?" is this living proof of the veracity of the saying that familiarity breeds contempt? or is it really just the final confirmation that i needed that my going back to michael, my being with michael was an unfortunate mistake?

confirmation it may be, but i wish i could shake the feeling that all of the back and forth with michael (which strangely enough feels like i've had three different relationships rather than one continuous one with a couple of breaks) has somehow been wasted time and has even further limited my chances for love and intimate relationship. i'm not even sure that's what i should be wanting from life or if it is, in what ways. i have so many questions and doubts and so few answers or assurances. plus, i still really kinda miss s.r.

another evening message

so it's been an interesting day of cleaning and reflecting. the results of the latter i'll share in tomorrow's entry (working title: missing someone (and not)). in the meantime, i'm sharing a song that's been playing constantly today. it's from the same album as last night's selection and i have a feeling that i will be wearing a digital groove into this particular selection over the next several days (if not weeks). i will leave to another day exploring the psychology of the fact that i seem to be finding my greatest emotional outlet from twenty-something female singer songwriters (go here for another example -- what the hell). plus, after today's thoughts (again, more tomorrow) i think this song is as much a reminder to my future self as it is an expression of my current feelings on the topic.

we are never ever getting back together -- taylor swift

when the going gets tough, the tough get ... cleaning?

i'm sure that there are as many varied ways of coping with depression as there are people on the planet. as for me, it seems a tried and true approach is to start cleaning and organizing. i've been doing that since i was a kid really. and generally such an exercise provides a bit of a lift to my mood.

now i'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that, as a result of my depressed state, my environs get a bit messy and disorderly (well, maybe more than a bit). it's pretty much an external manifestation of an internal reality. the disarray in my external environment is a fitting living metaphor for the messiness that my heart is experiencing. at least until a certain point when i can stand the chaos no longer and have to do something about it.

i've always suspected (and i'm assure the astute readers of this blog are already ahead of me on this) that motivation stems from my subconscious mind prodding me along to bring order to my life in some way. if i can't bring resolution to the state of affairs that have brought on the depression (which are usually too complex to be immediately fixed by the use of a dust rag, vacuum cleaner, and some closet organizers), i can at least address the piles of clothes, dirty dishes in the sink, stacks of books/magazines/doll boxes/etc., and inch thick coating of dust that have accumulated throughout my humble abode.

so if you will excuse me, i have some more external manifestation addressing to do. hopefully, it will bring about that boost to my spirits that i desperately need. it would be nicer still if there were a way to get a heartbreak repairer or love life restorer at organized living and i could get a service to do the cleaning.

ah, youth

i sure could use one of those nights right now. who's with me?

22 - taylor swift

this is going to be harder than i thought

this was the thought that came to me last night as i wrestled with thoughts of loneliness and isolation last night. even though yesterday started off with my being in a fairly good mood, by the end of the day, i was back in the familiar territory of melancholia. while i can't say i'm entirely surprised that this was the case, given my current state of affairs, recognizing that what i'm going through is likely normal following a break-up has been little consolation.

one would think that, given this is my third time going through this (groan), it would be at least a bit easier. one would think that and clearly one would be wrong. it's just as difficult this time as it has been in the past.  the feelings of loss and failure, the guilt about hurting michael yet again, the concern that i will be alone for the rest of my life, well, they are all present and accounted for. add to that the additional complication of feeling further estranged from my less than supportive mother (her response "i had hoped" to my query of "you didn't expect to me to be alone for the rest of my life did you?" keeps replaying in my mind) and it is indeed making for a challenging time.

i keep telling myself that i just need to make it through the holidays, and it will get easier. unfortunately, at this point at least, i'm not being very convincing

gobble, gobble y'all

and it's thanksgiving day once again. now the ironic thing about the title of today's entry is that my menu has cornish game hen as the main attraction, but since i don't know what sounds that bird makes (cluck?) i thought it best to go with tradition.

it's pretty much a solo holiday for me, and, much to my surprise, i'm actually more ok with that today than i thought i was going to be (then again the day is still young). i imagine there will be several emotional ups and downs over the course of this holiday season. i hope it will be more of the former than the latter, but i would have to admit i'm not entirely optimistic about that (i know that shocks the long-time readers of this blog).

right now i'm camped in front of the tv, watching the macy's thanksgiving parade as i have pretty much every year of my existence on this planet (once even in person at age four or five when my grandmother took me and my cousin to see it). i'm not sure that there is a time i miss new york city (though i haven't lived there since i was 11) as when i'm watching the parade.

as many of you likely know, in addition to floats, ginormous balloons, and marching bands the telecast features selected performances from various broadway musicals. a great sign of how far we've come as a culture than the fact that the first featured musical was kinky boots. true it won this year's tony for best musical but given the fact that it features the oh so talented billy porter (a tony winner himself for this musical) in the role of the transgendered character lola, well, i don't think we have to go back too far to think of a time that inclusion of such a production would have been unthinkable.

it's wonderful to see progress, however small, being made. it gives one at least some hope that positive changes are still possible. happy thanksgiving everyone!

what had happened was . . .

so i've chosen a slightly humorous title (those familiar with the usage of this phrase will get more of a chuckle obviously than those who are not) for today's blog entry because it's likely to be the only aspect of today's writing that will be even remotely funny. as i shared yesterday, today's entry is going to be an examination of the factors that led to this third and (absolutely) final break-up with michael (i'm still cringing every time i acknowledge that fact. maybe some behavior modification will change that. do they still do electro-shock therapy? ok, maybe the title won't be my only attempt at humor. back to the post-mortem on my relationship).

i would have to say the lead up to the end really started this summer. after several months of michael expressing his dissatisfaction with the long distance relationship (i need to stop and point out here that one of the conditions of our getting back together was that he had an understanding that the situation wasn't going to change for a minimum of five to seven years, so of course, within about two months of our getting back together, he was complaining about it. end of aside), michael shares with me that he is thinking about resigning from his position at the university. now, this news comes as a bit of a surprise to me as, even though he's not been happy in his job for pretty much the entire twelve years i've known him, he has consistently stated that he doesn't see how he is fit to do anything else, believing he would be consigned forever to the work category of mcdonald's team member or wal-mart greeter should he leave (at the time, i believed (note the tense) differently. more on this later).

we discussed the pros and cons with my being supportive of the idea of his leaving and moving to denver to be with me, yet, knowing what we will refer to as michael's "impulsive nature," i cautioned that he should likely go back to work for the fall semester (he had been on sabbatical) and see how he felt at that time. if he still wanted to resign, he could do so with an effective date at the end of the following semester, and we would then make arrangements for his moving out here. that was the plan.

so what happened? well, of course, two days later he called me saying that he had just spoken with the department chair and had made plans for resigning his position effective at the end of the fall semester (when i questioned him about the change in the plan, his reaction was "what? you said you were supportive of the idea. michael had somehow missed the part preceding the yet in the first sentence of the previous paragraph. either that or the hallucinogenics that i've never taken and am in sore need of now kicked in. ok, for those keeping score at home, that's the third humor attempt).

now, the resignation was contingent on certain conditions -- one of which was that he would be granted an "emeritus" status that would essentially give him certain privileges, e.g., the ability to teach a course every so often. i viewed it as a nice way that he could leave but still feel connected and that his hard work to gain tenure was not for naught. little did i know at the time how significant this "nice way" really was.

so michael and tillie came to denver in august for about a month long. it was nice to see them and be reunited as a family for an extended period. a few days into the visit, michael got an email stating that according to the provost's office, he wouldn't be eligible for emeritus status as that designation was only conferred on retiring faculty. since he was resigning rather than retiring (early retirement is age 55), it wasn't going to happen. this rapidly sent michael into a depressed state. it did not help that the entire time from resignation to the summer visit in denver, he had continued to express doubts about his ability to find gainful, meaningful employment.

after several conversations over the course of his visit, it became obvious that michael was not ready to leave his position and that the best course of action would be to see if he could rescind his resignation we would then revisit whether he wanted to stay in the job on a year by year basis. this time things went according to my understanding of the plan. the department chair accepted the rescission and michael was again a full associate professor with all the rights and privileges granted there unto. problem solved.

wrong. i've come to realize that this event was the breaking point for my relationship with michael. you see, the long distance relationship was beginning to wear at me both physically and emotionally. the many nights alone here, the many trips back and forth, which i bore the greater share of (michael has only made two trips to denver whereas i was travelling to st. louis on average about twice a month). ultimately, what was truly sustaining the relationship was my willingness to continue to live according to that pattern, my ability to endure the separation, and my belief that michael might be able to leave the university, move here, and move on to something else. over the months that followed, the spirit of willingness dissipated.

i was exhausted (burnt-out really) from the pressures of the travel (combined with the intensity of my job it became too much). i started to hate being alone (which, in all honesty, started to be a condition i felt whether i was apart from or with michael), and i lost all faith that michael would be able to do anything but the job in which he was currently employed. the cumulative effects of these factors sent me spiraling into a deep depression of my own. it was about that time that i started blogging again. and from there it became increasingly clear that this relationship was not going to work.

there were other issues that i'm not going to into, but i think the pivotal point came when i asked myself the question, "is michael the guy, is this the relationship that is worth living in this way?" and as sweet and kind as michael may be, the answer was clearly "no." truth be told i am in a place now that i'm questioning why i ever went back across that bridge in 2010. while good at times, my relationship with michael has always been pretty dysfunctional. i was done and had closure when we broke up in 2008. yes, i have explanations about how and why each reconciliation happened but they really, really, really shouldn't have. so i'm now hoping that bridge is not only burned but incinerated to a point that there is not even a remotely discernible trace of a way back. i'm sure michael feels the same way.

and now it's time for some music. i promised yesterday two more songs from mr. luther vandross. yesterday's songs were about emotions with respect to love. some i experienced to a certain degree with michael. many i desired but never quite reached. today's songs fit the circumstances of our relationship like the proverbial glove.

the ending of a relationship is hard. there's no way around it. and i keep learning every day new ways that i'm hurting and discovering anew the degree to which my heart is shattered. but as the last song makes clear, such endings are often necessary. may god help us both to find our way from here.

a house is not a home - luther vandross

how many times can we say goodbye - luther vandross and dionne warwick